I don't have a sex tape...I just realized this....I'm so behind the times. All the cool kids are doing it...on camera.

Jimmi Hendrix supposedly has one , Marilyn Monroe and Bob Crane too.

The chick from The Hills has one... Paris Hilton has like two, or eight, whatever.

The "cute" one from Sex and the City, the drummer for the White Stripes, Kelsey Grammer, that wrestling chick who looks like a dude....all have one...supposedly...more than likely...I've seen the wrestler chicks...*shudder to think*

But I don't have one. I should make one and have someone "steal " it. Then it can be sold to some adult video company for cash money and a negotiated point's deal on all DVD sales. I'll come out and say this whole charade is an outrage and my private life is not for public consumption. My press statement will lambast the licentious that have shamed my name. I will do an about face and say that the excitable fellow on the tape isn't me...but it will be. I will receive a check each month for my troubles ( (read: negotiated points deal).

Why I am not doing this right now?

Oh yeah, my inbox and voicemail are conspicuously absent of people calling and demanding that I give them the one void that's currently in their life right now ...me going down like the S.S Edmund Fitzgerald, caught on night vision DV.

But that wait and see approach didn't stop Screech.

Or Fred Durst.

Why aren't all of us making sex tapes to sell...stimulation of the economy?

Lest we forget ladies and germs, there are some people out there who should never be seen " parking the car in the garage".

Someone like Foghorn Leghorn? No I'd probably pay to see him and Miss Prissy, you know, get involved in " a bit of the old in and out"....I know... there's a lot of wrong with that statement...sue me.

Anyhoo...

No matter how many times you wake up, look in the mirror and give yourself the ol' " your one handsome mother...shut your mouth", some things are sacred, like cows in India... and your interpretation on " charging the mound". So a word to the wise and the wise who help guide the careers of the less advanced, I think I speak for everyone when I say no matter how desperate things get for you, please, for our sanity and yours, avoid the temptation to film then distributeyour " mommy-daddy dance".

Who might I be talking about?

I hope these people take my advice...

Michael Jackson-Look Mike, I love ya but the last thing I/we need floating around in our heads is you, dry humping whatever it is you like to dry hump, screaming "Shamone" every 15 seconds. Just go to Vegas, book a 6 month gig at Caesars Palace, play P.Y.T every night, that's where it's at.

Tom Cruise-I'm actually surprised this hasn't happened already. Here's a star that's slowly fading with many, many whispering about his predilection. That crazy Tom though would squelch any sort of authenticity by having a DVD commentary, a making of featurette and a soundtrack featuring the work of Danny Elfman. Then there would be that constant smug smile as he stares into the camera. Plus, he's a "busy" man with way too much energy...like a tweaked out walking ad for Red-Bull. We don't always need to be at 11 Tom, 4 is okay too. He dated Cher...God I really hope there isn't a tape of that lying around...nightmares for days.

The San Diego Chicken-Ahh, the San Diego Chicken, I remember watching This Week in Baseball with Mel Allen every Saturday when I was a kid. The chicken was always on there. I want to remember him that way, not with say, with the girl next on my list...

Courteney Love-the girl who wrote " someday you will ache like I ache", oh we'll ache alright, from the constant vomiting induced by seeing you prance around with whatever it was you picked up on Sunset Blvd. Have you seen her lately? The ugly stick worked a little overtime.

Me and You-I once inadvertently saw myself in a mirror laying claim to some lady's..umm how do you say...oh yeah" s hame cave" and well...have you ever seen someone trying to drive a stick shift for the first time? First there's the constant shuttering from stalling the car, then hitting the brake when you should be hitting the clutch...whiplash...yeah. And you? I love you all but I venture to guess your game is no different from mine.

The Presidential Candidates-Insert your own joke here. Anything, anyone, and I mean any sort of inkling and I'm voting for Ralph Nader, I don't care.

Gary Coleman---I'd rather be the passenger in a car driven by David Crosby...wait for the joke...there's one I promise...a David Crosby who's eight times over the legal limit and having an epileptic seizure...ooh zing. Oh yeah we're also listening to that Stevie Wonder album, the one with Part Time Lover on it. I'd rather have that than have to endure Arnold Jackson asking if this is what Willis was talking about. Something tells me he's got a few "issues". The guy is on Divorce Court, how frickin' hilarious is that?

Jenna Jameson-I know, this one seems weird, but let me state my case, the little logical voice in my head that comes out the play every so often tells me her video would be absent of the following: Jenna in high heels, Jenna as a sleepwalking nymphomaniac, cheesy synth music, Ron Jeremy as the doctor who must " observe". She's probably missionary position boring in real life. Consider me not interested.

That Austrian fellow who impregnated his daughter like more than once-You know homeboy had a video camera set up...there's a special place for you in hell my man. For some reason I thought this guy was going to look like Sloth from The Goonies...instead he looked like people I see everyday. Hmm...

Heidi Klum-No I'm totally kidding, bring it on...

Harrison Ford---Well, if he wore the fedora, crack a few one liners and the Indy music played in the background...maybe.

Sting-This guy goes the tantric route for like16 hours straight or something crazy like that. I'm throwing down pats on the back when I roll past the 5 minute mark. I don't need to watch this guy destroy my world.

College kids-For the 10% of America's future that haven't thrown a video on some porn YouTube site...don't...please don't. I'm older than you and I still have a lot to learn. I remember at that age anything involving " hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing" was like trying to cure cancer. I've been there, every painstakingly embarrassing moment. I don't need to relive the good times by watching you trying to act like you got this.

It's getting out of control...time to real it back in people. I'm not saying you can't make a tape, but put the omnipotence to rest and lock the (censored) cabinet...please. Some things are better left unsaid, and unseen, except for you Heidi Klum, Christmas is right around the corner you know.

Till next time.

Your friend,

PH.