1. David CookEric: I really, really didn't want to put him this high. I don't really like him, because of his look, personality, taste in music, sense of humor, hygiene (I'm guessing) ... you understand. But he's been by far the most consistent and he's really good at stealing other, more successful musicians' arrangements and fooling the public into thinking they are his. For example, his rendition tonight of "Billie Jean" sounds incredible and crazy unique, but then you remember that
Chris Cornell did all the hard work of changing the pop song into a brooding ballad last year; Dave just covered him covering MJ. But he will absolutely last until the very end, because he has America and the judges eating out of his I'm assuming clammy hand.
Sarah: Can't stand the guy. But he could totally win. Because lots of lame people vote and like lame bands like Nickelback, which lame contestants like David Cook like and will probably go on to emulate. And that isn't my deal. But it's other people's deal (aww, I'm such a little outcast...hey, I amuse myself when I start sounding like the high school goth kid). And he hasn't really messed up like everyone else (he's just sat around looking smug and vaguely unlikeable) so that probably counts for a lot. That's really the best compliment I can stand to give him (warning: don't get on my bad side). Wait, one more: He really
did look like a freak as a baby...so I guess it's a teeny weeny bit cool (really teeny and really weeny) that he pointed it out in his interview.
2. Jason Castro
Eric: I can hear the haters now, but America will not vote this guy off no matter how little he cares. I mean, he sang the Most Boring Song off the Most Boring Album by the Most Boring Artist making music in his year ("Fragile,"
Nothing Like The Sun,
Sting and 1987, respectively) to sing on national television. In fact, as Sarah is going to illuminate below, his general distaste for the show will ensure that he will have to suffer through it for at least a few more weeks. Everybody will vote for him because they can mentally justify it by saying, "Yeah, I vote for that guy who hates the show because, you know, I totally hate the show, too, I just watch it as a guilty pleasure." Which is a lie (there is no such thing as a guilty pleasure, only pleasure. You don't have to impress anyone with your taste). That, and he continues to be kind of dreamy (It's not a man crush, I can just see Sarah's eyes glaze over when he comes on the screen).
Sarah: He's awesome, maybe even more so than before. The thing is that if you actually like this show, you probably won't like him (unless you're a girl who thinks he's dreamy...which many apparently do). But if you don't like this show or the popular music industry as represented on this show, you should love this kid. Why? Because
of course he's not taking the thing seriously. He's been treating the thing like it's no big deal for at least the last two weeks, and I love him for it. If I were a good singer I would totally infiltrate the show and take it down from the inside (and this plan involves lots of impossible scenarios that the producers of the show would never let happen), and Jason is almost the closest I've seen to anyone ever doing that (not that he's going to take it down, just that he's messing with it and its ideals). I really don't think he wants to be there anymore (because, as I've reiterated time and time again, cool people always want to go home once it hits them what they're actually doing) and he's not even trying, and yet he still has this massive fan base because he just happens to be so cute and cool. And Simon and the producers sure as hell don't like it when someone's doing well that's basically mocking the show and its format and picking weird songs and performing them kind of goofily. And I love how he takes criticism (he just looks a little dazed and makes minimal awkward small talk with
Ryan Seacrest and fesses up to maybe not trying all that hard, and this too is awesome because he's not all sorts of defensive and lame and unlikeable like David Cook and Chikieze are in these situations). And seriously, not only does he look like
Kieran Culkin, he
is Igby from
Igby Goes Down (watch it if you haven't).
YouIdol™//
Sting, and his stupid hair, sing "Fragile" (1988)
3. David ArchuletaEric: The paint is peeling on the David Archuleta Fun Ride Of Smiley Doom, but it's still a pretty fun ride for the time being. It was a weird song (if you own a
John Farnham album, move to the head of the class) and a weird arrangement, and really, he didn't make it work. We're putting him here because he has an unstoppable fan base and he's got some balls to choose such an unknown song. Here, I'm going to quote
Joe R from last week's inimitable (except by us) recap at
TelevisionWithoutPity.com:
"But here's the thing: when Amanda sings, I feel like I'm in a bar; when David Cook sings, I feel like I'm in a club; when Brooke sings, I feel like I'm in an amphitheater; when Jason sings, I feel like I'm in my dealer's living room; but when David Archuleta sings, I feel like I'm watching a high school talent show. Every time. And it's a performing arts high school for gifted kids, absolutely. And he's clearly the best in the talent show, and he'll totally win and deservedly so. But if you're asking me to list the places I'd pay to be, I'd rather see Amanda at the bar, David Cook at the club, Brooke at the concert hall, and Jason at my dealer's house than go to David A.'s talent show."
And that's pretty much the whole story.
Sarah: Yeah, it sounded like Disneyland...not even a performance someone would give at Disneyland,just Disneyland itself (and don't ask me to explain what I mean by that; it's just the feeling I got from the whole thing. And for the record, I like Disneyland so it might kind of be a compliment). So it was kind of weird and he didn't sound that great. But he's still a likeable kid that I don't despise, which is counting for a lot this season. And was that his girlfriend next to his dad? Darn, I had concocted this big funny scenario where he had this huge crush on
Amanda Overmeyer and was devastated by her departure (could still be true, for the record...he would have good taste if it were).
YouIdol™//
John Farnham (who?) sings "You're The Voice" (1986)
4. Syesha MercadoEric: Look who finally decided to join the party! She sounded really good in that "powerfully but gracefully sing an R & B song in pitch" way that I would never listen to on my own but sounds great on this show. Even Prescriptionatrix
Paula managed to identify it as a tide-changing performance. She kind of instantly became a competitor because everyone else is kind of phoning it in anymore.
Sarah: That a girl! And hooray! Her awesome hair is back! That straight hair wasn't working for me at all. I don't know if this performance really interested me all that much, but I bet it interested people that like this show and power vocals. Which: good for her.
YouIdol™//
Gladys Knight & The Pips sing "If I Were Your Woman" on Ed Sullivan
5. Michael JohnsEric: I love Queen. A lot.
Freddie Mercury is the only man in history to sing "
I'll suck your mind" and make it not sound cheesy. But I don't hate two songs more than I hate "We Will Rock You" and "We Are The Champions." But Michael managed to sing them both without looking constipated, and it was much cleaner and more entertaining than he's been in weeks and the crowd was eating out of his hands. He'll stick around.
Sarah: Ugh on the song choice. But everyone loves it when he does The Doors or Queen, it seems. I don't know; I guess if you like the songs you probably liked this performance. It didn't seem like much of a challenge to me. And he still seems to be trying so hard to be liked. It bugs me. Just adopt the Jason Castro attitude, dude. People will like you
and you'll be cool. Sounds perfect, eh?
6. Brooke White
Eric: Brooke proves her budding OCD by starting the song, instantly deciding it was wrong, then calling the whole thing of and starting over. Which, while not the best thing for live television, was at least the classiest way to handle the situation. She sounded exactly like Brooke White sounds and it was perfectly whelming. Not over-, not under-, just whelming.
Sarah: The ultimate crazy song for the ultimate crazy contestant. Perfect! But seriously, she's freaking me out. Not because she looks so crazy anymore (the straightened hair was a remarkably good choice for her, unlike with Syesha), but because she seems like such an uptight perfectionist now. She seems to try so hard and then she really beats herself up over any criticism or little mistake (I have all sorts of images of her beating her head against the wall backstage over having to start the song over). Girl needs to loosen up, take a chill pill, what have you. Oh and her mom is totally hot...maybe that could also account for some of her issues (having a mom that rivals your attractiveness has to mess with your mental state).
YouIdol™//
The Police sing about government wiretapping and everyone mistakes it for a love song
7. Carly SmithsonEric: This is totally Carly's kind of song and she totally could have rocked it. But she got a little too intense about the whole production and it got weird (see Sarah's much better description below). She's got some confidence issues bubbling up and I hope she can get over them, but it's a slippery slope.
Sarah: I called this from way back! I was all "Carly should sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" during 80s week and was all disappointed when she didn't. I thought it would fit her perfectly...which it might have then, but I don't know about now. I think it really got to her that she was in the bottom last week (she just looked so devastated and kind of mad about it when she was the first into the bottom three...and it didn't help that Ryan kept making such a big deal out of her being there. Heh, gotta love the Seacrest) and she had already developed the Michael Johns syndrome of trying too hard and really wanting to stay on the show (and win) anyway. She was super tense tonight and she was moving her body in this really awkward, unflattering way while she was performing and it really bugged me (she looked like she had a major stomachache and she awkwardly said something about having to go to the bathroom before her performance during her post-song interview, which I guess was supposed to explain why she seemed tense...um, yeah). On a positive note, she was a really adorable kid. But she suffers from a bad case of Brooke's "hot mama drama" too.
YouIdol™//
You knew it was coming: The "Total Eclipse of the Heart" scene from
Old School
8. Ramiele MulabyEric: She's still here? Well, not for long, with performances like these. I think she and the next two on this list are all on pretty level ground. Could be any one of them.
Sarah: Really really shouty. Otherwise, same as usual. Big voice, small girl. Nice person probably. Will be leaving soon.
9. Chikieze
Eric: God, this was bad. I think
Luther Vandross himself, the king of smooth cheese like this, would call this "freaking horrible." I've never been this bored by the show and that is
saying something. And grabbing hands in the audience like he was
Elvis? Lamest. Move. Ever. Plus, he still managed to wear a polo under his suit jacket. Lame.
Sarah: Cheesy Chikieze! As usual. It was pretty bland and boring. And then he got super defensive and pissy when the judges criticized him, which further shows how whiny and lame he is. It's great how the judges were totally fooled by his song choices and arrangements the last few weeks (and I contend the arrangements weren't his idea) and are now missing the "cool and sassy" Chikieze they had imagined existed. Well, I'm here to say that he doesn't. The real Chikieze is, unfortunately, that guy the judges were talking to tonight (full of himself and choady, all the way). Guy needs a good lesson in humility. Admit your faults, take it like a man...be a Jason Castro! What a rally cry.
YouIdol™//
Don't fall asleep on me: Patti LaBelle and Luther Vandross sing "If Only For One Night"
10. Kristy Lee Cook Eric: It took a few bars for me to recognize this song, but as soon as I did, I had to stop myself from retching. I don't mind America, I don't mind well-reasoned patriotism, and Kristy herself is much more likeable than usual, but I certainly mind using a sentimentally jingoistic song being used by a painfully-untalented singer to get votes. And I definitely mind the judges not even getting close to calling her out for it. Does
Simon think he'll be deported for speaking out against this song? She probably will stay thanks to the song, but she really needs to go home soon.
Sarah: Oh no, it's the "Amazing Grace" thing all over again. Girl knows how to get votes she doesn't deserve (and, for the record, it's not like I hate her or anything. It's just that she never should have gotten to this stage in the competition, let alone the top 24). It's a tragedy (that's right, a tragedy) she made it into the top 10 instead of Amanda.