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Blog Entry 74 of 79 BroFax Cosmonaut
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American Idol: Dollywood makes us a little sad

Contributed by: Eric Lubbers/Sarah Blomstrom   on 4/2/2008

It's Dolly Parton night. Man, Kristy's going to be around another week? Lame. Dolly, formerly a good, if not great, beauty, looks like she's been through a food dehydrator. She's only 62? Oh, maybe it's her dieting technique. Well, we're in for a long night of countrified everything (except David Cook who will go pop-goth as usual), so let's get started. (I got really distracted during the performance, so I'm letting Sarah take the reins for this one mostly, and she was trying to keep it short. Think of it as a bite-sized review)
1. Michael Johns *Video*

Sounds a zillion times better than usual. Actually sort of lives up to my initial expectations of him, but still makes annoying faces and kind of depresses me by wanting to be there so badly. ( Eric: I liked it, but I like everything backed by a gospel choir. Or so I thought until I saw "Jesus and Gravity" during the results show)
2. David Cook *Video*

Smug (no shock there). Arena-y. Bon Jovi fans must be wetting themselves in lame ecstasy. I'm depressed. ( Eric: America will absolutely eat this crap up)
3. Jason Castro *Video*

Oh, he got my postcard! Awesome!!! And he's wearing a shirt I'm pretty sure I owned in college, only mine was baby blue. Pretty charming and goofy, as usual. Fools at least Randy and Paula into thinking he's taking the show more seriously this week. ( Eric: Again, I actually saw Sarah's pupils dialate when Jason came on screen. That effect will keep him in the competition long after he's decided he doesn't need it anymore. Which happened like three weeks ago)
4. Carly Smithson *Video*

Sounds like what the show wants people to sound like. Non-threatening and nice enough, which works just fine for the producers and their bland designs for pop music. Simon insults her appearance, maybe deservedly, but it's still pretty harsh (and kind of rad). Her ultra tattooed hubby makes an appearance on camera, exciting prison inmates everywhere (according to TMZ, at least; not meant as a judgmental link between body ink and criminal activity).
5. David Archuleta *Video*

Very Archuleta-y. Likable kid, but he's really a snooze fest. Who would listen to that song and feel any real emotion or excitement? I mean, c'mon. ( Eric: During the results show, Sarah said that Archuleta looks like a 75-year-old in a Disney movie that drank some potion and became a 16-year-old. And his sweaters, slouch and gravelly speaking voice aren't helping)
6. Brooke White *Video*

Fitting. Returns to curly hair, but in a pulled back, mostly non-psycho way. Enjoy the relative lack of craziness while you can because Simon and Randy will soon be responsible for pushing her OCD married self straight over the edge. Yet another AI casualty (I unfortunately happened upon a Nikki McKibbin interview a few weeks ago on Extra or some equally as obnoxious show and it was pretty intense, I've gotta say...though probably not as intense as her slightly absurd foray into industrial music).
7. Sayesha Mercado *Video*

Aw man, she's sitting? On the piano? That's pretty lame. Tries to channel Whitney or something, making me miss the old Sayesha and her awesome hair. She seems pretty crushed by Simon's inevitable criticisms and it makes me kind of sad. It's just uncomfortable to watch when someone thinks they're going for the glory and then they don't get the praise they're expecting and their face slowly falls and you can practically see all of their dreams falling right off them. If this show has taught me anything it's that being a human being is a pretty humiliating and painful experience. I think I might become a shut-in now. Thanks a million, Nigel Lythgoe. ( Eric: We all watched a little bit of her soul die on national television. I kind of hate this show)
8. Ramiele Malubay *Video*

Sounds pretty terrible. Awkward, uncomfortable, etc. Sort of channels Dolly by being small but mostly doesn't channel her with her lack of enormous baby presents (which, painful). ( Eric: Again, another public implosion, broadcast to millions. Welcome to the new Roman Empire. She will be ... missed?)
9. Kristy Lee Cook *Video*

Totally hits on Dolly (also exciting prison inmates everywhere). I'm not sure why she's dressed for a hippie prom, but whatever. Simon misses her shameless patriotic plea for votes and I miss my life from an hour ago, before tonight's show began (oh wait, that would mean I'd still have to dread watching it...at least it's almost over. Two performances to go! Oh yeah!).( Eric: Seriously, I don't know what bizzaro universe we fell into at the beginning of this season where Kristy is not just on the show but lasting this long. I'm questioning everything.)


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