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Blog Entry 16 of 18 God and Don
This is an ongoing story that has been going on for a long time. A journey, really...that continues, and I think we all share in one way or another...

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~Calebsflight

I Know My Son
Contributed by: Don Morris   on 12/3/2007

I told Kari that I needed to go.

"Now?" she asked somewhat befuddled.

"Yes, now," in a panicky whisper. "I-I need to see Caleb." The church service was not even half way over. I didn't want to be there anymore. A terrifying thought occurred to me. It struck me like a hard slap causing an awful sensation of nausea. I trembled. "What if he's dying right now! No one might be holding him! He might be alone!

A terminally ill son - unlike sons and daughters comfortably imagined to live always and forever in our midst. The deceptive promise of another day, another time held no benefit. Now is the only time given. "Please God, let him live." It's all I had.

It should not surprise anyone that my driving to the hospital was fast and reckless. That I frantically ran up the steps then sprinted down the corridor to that all too familiar room where Caleb lived. My heart beating wildly, madly - not from exertion, mind you, but from the maddening unknown of whether my heart would soon break in overwhelming sorrow or leap with ecstatic joy. I peeked in the doorway, breath held while biting my lip.

Looking towards Caleb's isollette it was empty. In sorrow my gaze slowly fell in disappointment. Below the glass enclosed box, and a little to the right sits a nurse facing away from me. I take two tentative steps.

"Excuse me," speaking ever so softly, feeling weak.

"Yes?"

I continue to walk towards her. I could tell she was cradling a baby in her arms. As I came closer her right shoulder fell below my horizon, and I could see what lay quietly below in her lap. I knelt down beside her. Stillness filled the room for a long time.

The nurse turned her face towards me. "Caleb has had a very hard night."

I said nothing. Couldn't say anything.

"I know you want to hold him. Caleb's been waiting for you."

She gave her seat to me. And as soon as she placed him in my arms he began to snuggle his little nose in the cleft of my bicep. Tears filled my eyes as I thanked God for another moment with my son.

The world stopped. I was right where I wanted to be. And I would sit there holding him. Enfolding him in my arms while my eyes gazed passionately upon him - his countenance so serene and tranquil in soft sleep, his cheek pressing softly upon my chest, the gentle rising of his little tummy in concert with the rhythm of a beating heart.

"You have never loved as you love now."

I agreed to the words spoken directly to my spirit.

In silence I replied back to God, "I was so scared that he had died today. That he would die alone."

I began to sense or imagine someone looking down upon Caleb and me. A personal presence that was neither intrusive nor all together spectacular. I welcomed the presence, and after a very long time of sitting there with my eyes on Caleb I finally spoke, whispering to God almost indiscernible, almost not wanting to ask, "Is this how you feel about your son?"

There was no sound. I thought there came an answer to my question, but it seemed to be incomprehensible. I had nothing else to say or ask. The world for a time seemed at peace.







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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Don Morris

Denver , CO

Don Morris has posted 18 blog entries and 2 comments since joining on 2/22/2007. Don Morris 's average blog rating is 5.
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