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Blog Entry 17 of 18 God and Don
This is an ongoing story that has been going on for a long time. A journey, really...that continues, and I think we all share in one way or another...

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~Calebsflight

It’s Not What It Seems –
Contributed by: Don Morris   on 12/15/2007

For Some Youth Growing Up Conservative Christian: Thoughts on the Matthew Murray calamity

It is after the words, actions, answers -- the quick almost impulsive 'knee-jerk' responses of how God was involved and not involved...God did not do this...God guided me to take the shooter down...as if appointed play-by-play commentators to God's actions or place in the world...the fast and ready labels placed on the characters in this tragedy...Satan attacked him...the devilish rock band...all the others who really 'really' love God...the quick forgiveness...the upstanding family...the pillars of society...the siblings that turned out so well...the name Bill Gothard and his Institute of Basic Life Principles -- the memories come.

This is painful to write. Memories, a past, a life I have worked hard to change and forget and...without warning suddenly unexpectedly pounces on you like a horrible nightmare. It isn't a dream, though. It's worse. It's real and the harm done may have revealed itself.

I have no desire to add pain or sorrow to anyone. I imagine those involved and close to this tragedy have done and are doing what they think is best. And with most things so horrific and unthinkable the reasons for such violence and tragedy are likely not singular or separated easily into neat little compartments of understanding.

There is a door to crack open to a religious way of thinking - one that I find harmful, especially to young people. It is a Christian conservatism or fundamentalism. It is the idea that you are more bad than good. God wants to save you, but there are conditions. The leaders, members and parents of this way of believing make it clearly stated and implicit that there is a 'look', an appearance, a way to be when God takes you from the bad person you are and saves you. Laws, rules, expectations and even how you say things are zealously followed.

What if you make a mistake and don't followthe rules? There's a hammer. It's big. You see, it wasn't easy for God to save you, so there is nothing more unacceptable to God and the conservative and fundamentalist Christians. You are judged as an unloving, ungrateful, selfish, sinful, fallen, wicked person. In the dour expressions of your family, friends and peers...the men and women you have looked up to as a young person -- all you see is disappointment. And this disappointment and displeasure towards you will not go away unless you change. That is one of the rules. Your life with them and their teachingbecome the mirror where you see God. And all these people who are your family and community keep reminding you by their uneasy looks, chiding remarks and desire to distance themselves from you, like a leper, affirm what you thought all along - who I really am is no good and God thinks so as well. There is no one in your family or church community that is willing to accept you as you are. It would be breaking the rules. You've heard the warnings over and over again, "If you don't get your act together, your mind thinking right, your heart feeling right, start doing right - God will forsake you. You'll be lost, doomed and soon the worst will come to you, because God punishes the wicked. You'll go to hell.

I grew up under this thinking. As a young child I was welcomed into this type of Christianity when a stern man told a bunch of boys and me around a campfire we're going to die and forever torment in a fiery hell! Because of our awful sins! I thought this was summer camp? In dreadful fright I asked God/Jesus to save me! From then on people told me to always read my Bible and pray. If I did anything bad to ask forgiveness right away or my heart would get cold and hard. God wouldn't have anything to do with me then. I was scared.

In my teenage years I went to Bill Gothard seminars, the same mentioned as Matthew's home-school curriculum. Bill Gothard is known for having the answers to living life pure and successful. It is an orderly and fixed way of living. You follow the rules, which are numerous: Number 1 - You're bad; the world is bad so watch out! Then other sundry rules such as live with your parents until you are married or as long as you can; no rock music; no lusting; no drinking; no swearing; no kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend if it gets you excited; women need to cover their bodies so men won't lust; no getting angry, memorize Bible verses always; read your Bible always; read approved Christian books only; don't question God or the Bible or the Church or your parents because they are your authority and you don't question authority; love God more than anything else; pray-pray-pray asking forgiveness for all your sins everyday, even if you followed all the rules, because you still arebad and did wrong without even knowing it. And most importantly pray-pray-pray that God will forgive you before your heart quickly turns cold and hard and God gives up on you...maybe forever!

A popular illustration in Bill Gothard seminars at the time was an umbrella with a stick figure underneath representing you or me. If I did all the right things the umbrella hung over the figure and protected him or her from the rain, representing all the evil trying to shower on the poor figure. If I did not follow the rules God took the umbrella away, and all hell broke loose on the helpless person.

It was a terrifying image and way to live, and as a teenager extremely difficult, if not impossible. My senior year in high school I was 'peer pressured' into drinking a 'cap' full of alcohol. I remember my hands shaking, my heart beating wildly, swooning with trepidation, as I gulped less than a spoonful of Peppermint Schnapps. My stomach burned from the drink, and at that moment I felt and believed God had left me. I sinned again. I was bad again. God was 'fed up' and done, as I imagined my mom and the church community would be if they saw me right now. I was beyond help or hope, and what could I do? I was tired of trying to be good and always failing - a losing battle.

God's umbrella was no longer over me, and now all hell would break loose on me. I was a cursed and banished wanderer like Cain in the Old Testament. What could be worse than God is against you? Angrily waiting for the right moment to strike you dead. Who can disagree or argue with God and win?

The only way to be accepted by God, family and your Christian community is to follow all the rules, but you fail just thinking about it. You don't even have the heart or energy to try anymore. It's not you, but you're not sure who you are anymore? You're a lost cause.

There's nothing to lose because you lost already. The options are few: 1) If you have the strength fall prostrate in front of your church leaders and beg them to put you in restraints; or some Bible College with restraints; or become a non-Catholic monk if there is such a thing - living in a cell till you die. 2) Suffer as a doomed and banished soul flinching at each lightening bolt that pierces the sky, hopelessly wishing you had been one of the few who seem to do right. Or maybe, just before you die God will save you 'again' at the last minute (no guarantee). 3) Live as if you're in hell already, because there is no hope for you anyway. Hate yourself, hate God and everyone else till you die and go to hell.

In my twenties I began to have severe periods when I could hardly get out of bed or care to speak to anyone. These episodes happened twice a year lasting three weeks each time. I believed God was punishing me. I remember crying out to God to take it away. The Christians in my life told me to pray harder and read my Bible more. It was believed that I had some terrible unspoken sin in my life. Or even demons!

For ten years I struggled with these very dark and lonely times. I wanted to die, and asked God to kill me - to get it over with. In my thirties a psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression. I first was resistant on taking medication. The pastor during my formative years had written authoritative books such as, Why Christians Can't Trust Psychology and Deceptive Diagnosis: When Sin Is Called Sickness. Unfortunately, my story is not a road less traveled.

Can the veneer of what we read about Matthew Murray's upbringing, home schooling, church and conservative Christian upbringing look appealing and safe? I think for most young people, and especially those whose disposition, personality and spirit cannot help but question the world; make youthful mistakes and want to discover who they are...it's a bottomless pit with no safety net.

The God and Christianity I have come to know and still have much to learn and unlearn can be simply illustrated from a recent Hollywood movie titled, 'Knocked Up'. A loud bawdy comedy with language that can make your ears fall off. A young, oafish, burly, unshaven, lovable lout in a drunken stupor with a beautiful successful woman dances the night away leading to forgettable sex and pregnancy. This young man who in every way is not responsible enough or ready enough to raise children (less than $300 to his name, rents a messy house with 4 roommates, smokes marijuana and no job prospects on the horizon) meets with his dad for advice.

His dad is smiling - happy to sit across from his son in a nondescript diner. He is beaming really, as if he is seeing his son for the first time after being born. At first, his countenance seems odd with his son in crisis and confused. Why isn't the father angry or at least somber and reserved during this crisis?

Dad gives his advice as requested. Summed up simply as, 'It'll work out'. Then dad says, "I love you!" Again "I love you!" his eyes sparkling with a pleasant smile as his face reflects joy in just being there with his son.

I expected the young man whose life is so unimpressive and feeble to be startled by his dad's acclamations of love, as if hearing it for the first time. No. The young man continues to converse almost impervious to his dad's words as if...they are as common as a light breeze upon the face. Later in the film dad will say those brilliant words again, "I love you! I love you!"

With a knowing smile I see it. The young man's life, which so easily could spin out of control does and doesn't. Yes, he still does a number of stupid things. But he also has a net, -- something beneath him that will not let him despair. It's his dad's, 'I love you! I love you!' that will never fail to reach him. How can you lose when you're loved no matter what?

A circle is complete when the young man for the first time holds his newborn daughter. His eyes sparkling, smile brighter than ever and a wonderful joy of delight shines brilliant across his face - just like dad's. Forever always...


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Showing 1-6 of 6 comments
Submitted By: Don Morris
posted on 1/3/2008 @ 1:30:37 PM
(Not Rated)
I appreciate the below comments. I hope knowing we are not alone in this can bring encouragement and hope. Don
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Submitted By: Katherine Jerome
posted on 12/20/2007 @ 7:14:00 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Someone once told me that sharing knowledge and life experiences is a great gift. The manner in which you have shared Don, is a true gift. I can relate on many levels with the relearning and unlearning of a belief system that didn't always serve me in living my best life. This story, helps me believe all the more that "God is Love".
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Submitted By: Michael Rule
posted on 12/20/2007 @ 6:45:21 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Thanks, Don
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Submitted By: Nikki Britain
posted on 12/19/2007 @ 7:42:36 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Rarely have I read something this accutely honest. Your story is heart-breaking but also so very, very hopeful. Thank you for sharing this in such a well-written manner.
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Submitted By: Don Morris
posted on 12/17/2007 @ 6:57:32 PM
(Not Rated)
I would like to read what you put down as your view of God. Please pass it on...
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Submitted By: Lisa Arata
posted on 12/16/2007 @ 4:11:53 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Such an excellent description of the well-intended abuse some young people are put under. this inspires me to write my new view of God. I'll blog it.
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Showing 1-6 of 6 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Don Morris

Denver , CO

Don Morris has posted 18 blog entries and 2 comments since joining on 2/22/2007. Don Morris 's average blog rating is 5.
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