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Blog Entry 52 of 145 Bad Mom
I call myself Bad Mom because at the time I came up with it, I was learning about the assumptions we put behind our words. I was following the pattern of not believing that my kids are okay, and speaking to them from that basis. I changed that, and it made a big difference. I am from Utah and my people are still living there. My husband was in the Air Force and we rattled around until we saw Colorado, and we stuck.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~Huh

Midlife and Miracles
Contributed by: Lisa Arata   on 1/22/2008

It's been a tough few months for me. My husband told me to go get a job, and I didn't want to, so I wanted to run away. I wrote novels.

I had to let go of certain expectations of my daughter, which made me question my own thinking in that area, and the questioning led to other areas of my life.

I stopped believing in religion and even in God.

I got really angry at my husband, then realized that pursuing that route would be too destructive and I needed to change myself.

In my research I came to see that lots of people my age, no matter what they did when they were younger, come to a time of questioning.

Okay and all of this happened at the darkest time of year. I was really having a crisis. Still am, just getting out of it.

What I've taken from this bout has been quite some good change.

I want to spend my days pursuing purposeful activities and can't stand to read the paper or surf the 'net for very long. I don't fantasize like I used to. I have to ask myself what the purpose of each activity is, even if it's to rest for awhile. Like, right now the purpose of what i'm doing is to communicate to others who are depressed or wondering what it's about. I'm willing to keep my house neater now, because it's a good purpose to keep your house pleasant to live in. And so on.

Haven't got time to condemn people anymore.

Started to listen to A Course in Miracles. It's teaching me about ego conflict. Apparently, we are creations of God but our egos are creations made by ourselves. Our egos start to distort reality. They are naturally against God because the ego, especially one like mine, wants to prove to itself that it's real. But it can't. Your ego won't accept things the way they are. It will reject your body as not good enough. War is the happiest state for ego, because fear of harm is where your ego feels right at home. Attacking is a way of ensuring the war will keep going.

But that's not the useful stuff. What I'm learning that I find truly wonderful is about how the miracles can only see other miracles. The ego stuff is just darkness. You can pray to God for forgiveness for what you've done with your ego, and ask for help to break down the walls that keep the light out. You should say thanks to God so you can recognize the great things in your life.

And best of all, when you speak to other people, the light in you can seek the light in them. As a parent, I've found great worth in that.

For example, this morning at 3 am I was worrying about what my kids are doing. With the best intentions I was going to ask them about it--whether they'd done their homework and whether they were eating lots of junk. BUT, to come at them with this is to doubt them and to TEACH doubt!

Remembering what I learned, I got up in the morning and went to them and said, "It's a new day." I used the light in me to speak to the light in them. It helped.

I'm always going to keep A Course in Miracles playing when I have time to think about things. I want to put my ego in proper perspective and turn to God. I know I said I wasn't going to believe in God, but I've changed my mind. If I can feel something like this, I'll take it.


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Lisa Arata

Greeley , CO

Lisa Arata has posted 145 blog entries and 222 comments since joining on 4/18/2007. Lisa Arata 's average blog rating is 4.78.
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