In this column, readers from all over write in to ask our
featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very
specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a
way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers
here. Today we are proud to feature Jennifer Kennedy, a South
Beach, Florida resident specializing in doors.
Dear Jennifer,
I have a total crush on this guy, Seth, and I was at a party at
his house last weekend. At one point, I walked out onto the patio
to get a beer. I thought I had left the sliding door open, but when
I tried to walk back into the living room, I ran -- smack! --into
the glass door. I saw stars and staggered back, almost dropping my
beer bottle. Seth saw it all, and I think he was trying hard not to
laugh. Now I'm worried that he thinks I'm a freak. Should I pursue
this guy any further?
-Slammed and Confused
Peoria, AZ
Dear Slammed,
Walking straight into a plate glass door doesn't automatically
make you a freak. However, it appears that you have a textbook case
of impact-induced door anxiety. Don't worry...impact-induced door
anxiety doesn't last forever (less than 40 years, in most cases).
In the meantime, if you and Seth end up together, he'll just have
to swallow hard and accept the fact that you're the kind of person
who could, quite literally, walk into a door at any moment.
Dear Jennifer,
My family has a kitchen table that was made out of an old
hospital room door. We all gather round it every night for dinner.
Do you think that's creepy?
-Kevin Sanford
Salem, OR
Dear Kevin,
Yes.
Dear Jennifer,
On any given day at work, I walk through a lot of doors. There's
a door to get into the building, a door to the elevator, a door to
our office suite, and a door to my office. When I go to meetings, I
walk through doors. When I get a cup of coffee, I walk through a
door. When I have to pee, I walk through the bathroom door only to
walk through the stall door. I have to walk through a door to do
everything but pick my nose. So at the end of the day, I am so
flipping sick of doors, I can hardly stand up. Is there anything I
can do to reduce my daily door usage?
-Sandra Wright
Milpitas, CA
Dear Sandra,
I sympathize with your plight, yet I cannot fully identify with
your feelings of despair and hopelessness over doors. Being a door
specialist, you see, I never get sick of doors. Fortunately for me,
and unfortunately for you, doors are a part of everyday life, and
if you find yourself unable to cope with them, keep in mind that
the doors in your life can always be unscrewed from their
hinges.
From the author: This advice column is a feature from
The
Teaspoon Times, a small print publication I started in 2004,
and distributed in coffee shops around town. Now you can visit
online at teaspoontimes.com. I hope you have as much fun reading
them as I do writing them!