How did this happen? How is it possible that Ronald, the namesake of the community is not the mayor? How is it even conceivable that some cheeseburger governs this fine village? What happened that led to this dramatic shift in power? And why doesn't Ronald reclaim what is rightfully his?

MR. MAYOR ... YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!

If Ronald McDonald were to wage war and take back his city, he would need an elite team to move in, get the job done quickly and effectively. Clearly he would not want President Bush to be part of this most impressive overthrow. But Ronald does have some friends who would be ideal candidates as he wages war on ... MAYOR MCCHEESE!

Back in 1980, McDonald's needed somebody to reside in McDonaldland and promote their new breakfast menu. According to the inaugural commercial, one dark night, an enormous egg fell from the sky. Most people would run, not Ronald McDonald. He loved and nurtured the egg, and low and behold out popped Birdie! Touched by Ronald's kindness, Birdie opted to stay in McDonaldland. The rest as they say is history.

Every good war begins with an air strike. It goes without saying that the ideal soldier for air combat would of course be Birdie. She already owns a hot pink pilot's outfit and has supreme loyalty to Ronald for his kindness during her crack phase.

grimace: n. A sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust.

Well that doesn't sound pleasant now does it? I often find myself grimacing when full of gas. Sometimes I grimace once I omit gas. No matter whether bound or free, in my world, the grimace is not a very good thing. I admit, sometimes I grimace when I eat too much McDonalds.

So who then is this "Grimace" that resides in McDonaldland? And what is he exactly?

When McDonald's launched the McDonaldland concept in 1971, we saw a different side of Grimace, a dark side. In fact, he was referred to as "Evil Grimace," originally portrayed with two sets of arms and apparently sticky fingers as he was often found stealing McDonald's milkshakes. However, as time progressed, Grimace found Jesus, or something like that. He became kind-hearted, gentle, certainly not evil.

Was this some sort of "Saul to Paul" conversion? Who knows really? What we are certain of is that Grimace underwent some cosmetic surgery to remove his spare limbs, and apparently endured some sort of rehab for his very clear addiction to shakes. I suspect if he didn't imbibe in a shake, he found himself getting the shakes, and a cold sweat too. Don't worry if you see Grimace on the street and find yourself enjoying a shake. According to the McDonald's website he is "absolutely crazy about milkshakes." Clearly he has some handle on this addiction and has learned the art of moderation.

A troubled past, cosmetic surgery, rehabilitation, a family history of addiction, and a "Saul to Paul" conversion to the sunny side of life. While he no longer sports the name "Evil Grimace," its very clear this purple ... whatever he is, has endured a battle with his inner demons. But that doesn't bother Old' Grim, as they say in AA, "one day at a time". No longer evil, he is considered one of Ronald McDonald's most loyal friends.

Will he be an able bodied warrior in the crusade to re-take McDonaldland? Though admittedly clumsy, Grimace clearly demonstrates determination, a necessity in this most crucial fight. I suspect he could get the job done. The enemy would surely find themselves grimacing when this purple bundle of might charged their fortress.

By the way, an addiction to milkshakes should come as no surprise to anybody who knows of Grimace's family life. A milkshake seemed to bring all the Grimace boys to the yard. You might recall another McDonaldland character introduced in the 1980's namely, one Uncle O'Grimacey, a green fellow of Irish decent. This member of the family is highly addicted to the annual "Shamrock Shake." Uncle O'Grimacey would probably serve as little or no good in the war against MAYOR MCCHEESE. His age would merely hold the forces back, thus we have to eliminate him as a potential warrior.

We must be careful about stereotyping the Grimace family however, not all Irish people have addictions to beverages. In fact, there are some who are addicted to cigarettes, drugs, and yes, even that stuff you find in your email's "junk" section right next to my column.

And then there's the Hamburglar.

Initially, I wasn't certain what side he would fight for. Then it became clear to me, this is a Hannibal Lector waiting to happen, a ticking time bomb, also coping with a serious addiction. When first introduced, Hamburglar was a very menacing looking fellow, known for stealing ... you guessed it ... hamburgers. As time progressed, the Hamburglar became a friend to the Ronald McDonald cause and yes, has come to embrace Ronald for his kind hearted nature.

Again we have to ask ourselves, "What's with this 'Saul to Paul' conversion?" (Our atheist friends will have to first Google "Saul to Paul" then they can ask that question.) My theory is that Hamburglar got mixed in with the wrong crowd.

In the 1970's you may recall his partner in crime, Captain Crook, a similar character who stole the "Filet-OFish" sandwiches. Clearly the Captain could not get his addiction under control. You don't see him around McDonaldland anymore. Has he been sent away? Is he in some prison? Nobody knows for certain. What we can suspect however is that whatever happened to Captain Crook was a loud and clear wake up call to the Hamburglar to repent from his evil ways and return to youthful innocence.

Speaking of which, interestingly, he also experienced what could be considered a reverse aging process, beginning as an older man and now being portrayed as a younger boy. What is further puzzling about this reverse aging is that as an older man, Hamburglar was only capable of saying "robble robble robble."

Today however, in his youthful appearance, the Hamburglar can complete full sentences. Rarely do we hear him say "robble robble robble," however it was certainly enjoyable to use that phrase twice in one column.

As I mentioned, my theory is that Hamburglar is a Hannibal Lector waiting to happen. If this guy is to fight in an army against hamburgers, we know it's only a matter of moments before he goes postal and begins to feast on the enemy. Naturally, this will serve as some value to the McDonald army. Will he be tried for war crimes? Probably not. And in the event he is, we can expect a dramatic reunion with Captain Crook.

Three fine, able bodied soldiers: Birdie, Grimace, and Hamburglar. A logical person would say that a war with only three soldiers would be impossible to win. The logical person should also remember that the three soldiers are fighting against Hamburgers, and Chicken McNuggets, winning this battle shouldn't be too difficult.

But will war even be necessary? How about bringing a scandal to the public eye forcing the Mayor to resign from office and go to exile? If only Ronald could find some dirt on the good mayor.

Wait a minute . . . there was that lawsuit.

Sid and Marty Krofft could be considered one of two things: very screwed up, or masterminds of television, very much like if Aaron Spelling were to produce a show while taking ecstasy. Over the course of their career, they would produce such children's television hits as "Sigmund and the Sea Monsters," "Land of the Lost," "Electra Woman and Dyna Girl," and of course, "H.R. Pufnstuf."

You remember H.R. He was your friend when things got rough. Every Saturday morning he would help Jimmy and his magic talking flute, Freddie, to dodge their nemesis, Witchiepoo as she chased them around Living Island on her "VroomBroom." Pufnstuf also happened to serve as the mayor of Living Island.

What does this have to do with Mayor McCheese you ask? The McDonald's corporation would say nothing at all. But the Krofft Brothers disagreed. Back in 1973, Sid & Marty sued McDonald's, because in their mind, McDonaldland closely resembled Living Island, and the good Mayor McCheese could almost pass as a brother to the honorable Mayor H.R. Pufnstuf.

Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Well the judicial system would disagree with you. They sided with the Kroffts citing that the mayor and several other McDonaldland characters were indeed plagiarized. For Shame!

Scandal on the record of one Mayor McCheese. This would surely help remove the burger from power!

Throughout history, several sources have attempted to offer us some idea of the fellow we refer to as Mayor McCheese. In a simple Google, you can find a world of fan clubs, stories, and disputes about his life. But you and I both know that there is but one credible website out there with all the answers to everything. A site I commonly refer to in my columns. A site with an answer to virtually any question. A site that makes Ask Jeeves look like a fool. The site we like to call www.wikipedia.com (You know they don't even pay me for these plugs.)

According to the gospel of wikipedia:

"Mayor McCheese is the mayor of the fictional McDonaldland, created for an advertising narrative for the McDonald's fast food chain. He has an enormous cheeseburger for a head, and sports a top hat, a diplomat's sash, and a pair of pince-nez spectacles. He is portrayed as a giggly, bumbling, somewhat incompetent mayor with a wavering, high-pitched voice similar to (or perhaps a direct imitation of) actor Ed Wynn. His Chief of Police is Officer Big Mac."

[Writer's Note: For those saying to yourself "Who is Ed Wynn?" Disney fans know him as the voice of the Mad Hatter in "Alice in Wonderland."]

So now we know the truth of the matter ... he's giggly, bumbling, and incompetent, all the qualities I desire in a political leader. (And yet he was elected to a second term. Oh wait, we're still talking about Mayor McCheese, my mistake.) This guy really doesn't sound like much of a challenge to me. To be quite honest with you, I think if there were a battle between Charles Nelson Reilly (Google that name, young fans), and Mayor McCheese, Charles could bring the Mayor down to Chinatown. The mayor's sash would be waving in the wind as he was strangled by Charles Nelson's ascot, what a dynamic visual that would make. I think that would be a [BLANK] sight to behold.

(Again, young fans, to get that joke you will need to rely on Google.)

The only obstacle I see in the way of a successful over throw, is this Officer Big Mac. I dealt with a "Big Mac" in high school. He was a menacing figure, towering over you like a wall of iron. I can safely say I never saw him smile. Certainly this law enforcement official must be an intimidating figure. And he already comes into this battle very pissed off.

Back in the 1970's, Officer Big Mac had really only two problems when it came to keeping the peace in McDonaldland, namely Hamburglar and Captain Crook. As we know from our discussion earlier, Captain Crook is presumably someplace doing time. We can more than likely assume this justice was brought about by the iron fist of Officer Big Mac. And then there's the one that somehow got away, the Hamburglar.

Either Officer Big Mac is afraid of Hamburglar (refer to my Hannibal Lector theory), or he is just waiting for the right moment to grab justice by the meatballs. One thing is for certain, when these two rivals come head to head, there is bound to be some ketchup spilled one way or another.

We know that Ronald McDonald will be joined by his loyal disciples, Birdie, Grimace, and Hamburglar, two of which are recovering from addictions of some type; one has a fatherly-complex of some sort for McDonald. Based on the evidence and circumstances, these troops combined with the dirt from the Krofft trial should be enough to bring Mayor McCheese and his cronies down to their knees. (that was almost a rhyme.)

The only real troops in the Mayor's field would be the Chicken McNugget gang and of course the skilled military leadership of Officer Big Mac. There is also an apparent vegetable garden known as the "hamburger patch" in which we find hamburgers growing on some sort of vines. They would serve little or no good unless the troops suddenly work up an appetite for one of their own. Of course they could also serve to foil the Hamburglar. This "patch" will need to be handled with a note of caution.

Some of you who have managed read this far in today's column and maintain interest might be asking "But what about those Fry Kids?" If you weren't, tough, I plan to cover them anyway.

The Fry Kids would be suspected as McCheese loyalists given the fact that they are food products. But be not fooled, they too have an unlawful past. When they were first introduced, the Fry Kids were referred to as the "Gobblins" due to the fact that they would steal and goggle up everybody's fries. This gave prompted the tune "keep your eyes on the fries!" We can be certain Officer Big Mac had a run in or two with these little hell raisers and that they certainly hold no regard for his leadership. The Fry Kids could be neutral, or if necessary, I suspect they would come to the aid of Ronald McDonald. Perhaps not during the actual battle, but in the end, once the war was complete, I can see the kids being McDonald loyalists.

One thing is for certain, no matter how, someday, in fashion or another, Ronald McDonald will be mayor of McDonald land. His gentle nature and kindness provide him with a cult like following of loyal supporters. While the nature of how he becomes mayor is certainly questionable, perhaps it is for the good of McDonaldland.

Perhaps under Ronald's leadership peace talks and summits can begin. The first of course being reconciliation with Mayor Pufnstuf of Living Island. Later, I suspect we will see friendly dialogue with the Burger King and maybe even a midnight rendezvous with Wendy. He and the Jack N the Box Clown may become golfing buddies.

One thing is I know. If Mayor McCheese maintains his power and authority over McDonaldland, no good can become of it. It is clear and certain that the Mayor must be removed from his golden throne. If peace is ever to be restored in the fast food kingdom, McCheese must go. Once that takes place, all the addictions, the criminal behavior, the lawsuits, and the unrest will surely go as well. And the world of fast food will be "McPerfect" once more. (No matter what that guy from "Supersize Me" has to say about it.)