Article Contributed on: 9/4/2008 11:12:17 AM
LET THEM EAT DUNG
By Nickey Hernandez
Maverick McOldDude upped the "change" ante big time this week by tapping an Alaskan barracuda as his running mate.
In one bold move, John McCain turned 100 years of tradition on its backside. By selecting a God-fearing, moose-skinning, breeder of mutants, John McCain gave the finger to the good old boy network of Ivy League elites.
Harvard? Yale? Who needs those tax and spend military haters to handle the complicated work of government? Give me pillars of the Earth and common folks who put their faith in First Corinthians not The Constitution.
George Washington had no formal education and last time I checked, his face was still on the dollar bill. Who cares if that dollar is worth 50 cents? Washington had guts and would have enjoyed moose stew but for his wooden teeth.
OK, so John Adams went to Harvard and Thomas Jefferson attended William & Mary. Guess a few Founding Fathers did not have the grades to get into the University of Idaho.
But if Maverick and Barracuda really want to take Washington by the scruff of the neck, McCain must continue his bold America first trend and fill his cabinet with the kind of likeable, average bumpkins one encounters at Walmart.
Here are a few suggestions.
Secretary of State:
Larry "Buzz" Beaker.
Buzz, as he is known at O'Toole's Froth and Grog, is a father of seven. He has not worked since the Ford plant in Batavia, Ohio moved to Juarez, Mexico. He's married three women and divorced them all. "I'm fussy," Buzz likes to say. Buzz lost both legs in Khe Sanh - not in Vietnam, but at the Khe Sanh motor speedway in Gary, Indiana following a freakish NASCAR accident.
Buzz has no passport and has never left the Midwest. "Who the heck needs to see Kentucky," he likes to say.
What he lacks in global understanding, Buzz makes up in grit and manliness. He grows corn, hunts rabbits and darns his own socks. In short, he's the perfect guy to share a beer with, provided someone else pays the tab.
Secretary of Defense: Chuck Norris.
Nuff said.
Secretary of Education:
Sister Mary Blessedcross.
Sister Mary has run 15 Catholic schools and has yet to be indicted for molestation. She is a strict disciplinarian who, "never met a knuckle I did not want to slap until it bled like Jesus on the cross." Sister Mary is a firm believer in the three Rs: Reading, Writing and Rapture.
Sister Mary will put an end to the failed No Child Left Behind policy of Bush and replace it with "Every Child Gets Whipped in the Behind."
Though stern and standoffish, Sister Mary makes a mean chocolate chip cookie. Her secret ingredient, the blood of virgins.
Secretary of Labor:
Bud Meaks.
Let's save time on the vetting process and get to the point. Bud has done time. OK, he's killed a man, no three. But they all had it coming.
Who better than a borderline serial killer to keep a lid on the union lobbyists on K Street? Besides, Americans are fascinated with crime? Put Bud on The O'Reilly Factor and Fox's viewer numbers go nuclear.
Finally, if McCain really wants to fly by the seat of his Depends, he should follow the Barracuda's example and put useless D.C. items on Ebay.
Let's start with The White House. McCain has other homes (how many, no one knows). I bet 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. would fetch enough dough to fund the War in Iraq for 100 years.
No need for Air Force One either. McCain has flown and crashed more than his share of planes. Get the dude a single prop Cessna and he's good to go -- at least as far as Camp David.
Finally, no more fancy state dinners for the Prime Minister of Gabon. It's moose jerky and fermented elk urine from here on out. And if the Washington press corps doesn't like it, let em eat caribou dung.
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