BRING ME THE HEAD OF HANNAH MONTANA
By Nickey Hernandez
The paymasters running things inside the Wonderful World of Disney want us to believe that Hannah Montana is no more than a harmless afternoon delight for the pre-zit set.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Miss Montana is actually a dangerous siren, designed, created and promoted by sinister forces deep inside The Consumer Industrial Complex. The aim of this shadowy force is simple: control the pre-teen market and infuse young girls with the desire to shop until they drop.
Farming, federal spending and pharmaceuticals get most of the attention whenever Jim Cramer's falls into an Ecstasy fueled rant on MSNBC. But newly released figures from the Federal Reserve indicate that pre-teen female spending accounts for nearly 35 percent of the nation's GNP.
Clearly, the corporation that controls this unicorn-obsessed demographic will reap more blood money than Exxon, Black Water and Dick Cheney combined.
Which brings us back to the big-haired harlot the mythmakers at Disney call Hannah Montana. Armed with a cute face, a sexy smile and dangerously short skirts, Montana is a fiscal Frankenstein. She has swelled into a perfect storm -- powerful enough to blow unsuspecting children, parents and pedophiles into the pit of financial ruin.
Montana's greedy overlords in Orlando want every pre-teen-aged girl to bow before the altar of consumerism. They want girls to eat like Hannah, think like Hannah, listen to the same music as Hannah, and strut about in panties worn by Hannah. Most of all, they want young girls to buy into every fad that slouches forth from Madison Avenue. It's the only way to assure that the Hannah Montana junkies of today will mature into the shopaholics of tomorrow.
Left unchecked, these spend-happy nymphs will feel entitled to everything a Discovery card can purchase by the time they marry. Trips to Milan for afternoon Gelati will be expected. Nightlong shopping runs at Tiffany's will be demanded. And shoes, my God, don't get me started.
The fools who marry these hedonistic harpies will work themselves to the bone. They will toil at the wheel until the stress of 70-hour-work weeks and mounting debt brings welcome death from coronary or liver disease.
And when the hapless working stiffs of the nation are put to rest, their shoe-addicted widows will transform into ravenous cougars, forever on the hunt for the next chump with a little jingle in his tattered pocket.
Hannah Montana was not the first fabrication designed to manipulate kids. The heritage is rich with tantalizing characters that include the hipster known as Joe Camel and the stick figures we call the Olson Twins.
For now Hannah Montana rides shotgun on a runaway train of needless spending. Montana and her ilk have helped shatter the American dream.
Believe it or not, Americans were once great savers. Past generations knew the value of our dollar and worked hard to enjoy a fine, if modest life. That old-school sensibility is hard to find nowadays. Instead, American is a debtor nation, owned and enslaved by monetary Mandarins in China.
"I Consume, Therefore I Am," has replaced "Don't Tread On Me," as our national motto.
Nothing pleases the faceless evildoers within The Consumer Industrial Complex more than to see a new generation of American girls juiced on spending. Credit debt is the CIC's God and Montana is their prophet.
The taskmasters inside Mouse Kingdom explained their diabolical plans more than a year ago when they put out the following press release:
"Disney Consumer Products announced a new line of products inspired by Disney Channel series Hannah Montana. The line will launch this month with a collection of apparel, handbags and accessories available at Macy's department stores nationwide and targeted toward tween girls in sizes 7-16.
"Also available this month, Disney added, will be an assortment of stationery and self-expression items including posters, bookmarks, greeting cards, gift wrap and party goods at retailers nationwide such as Wal-Mart Stores and Party City.
"Hannah Montana has resonated with kids and tweens with its relatable stories, sense of humor and its charming characters," Disney Consumer Products vice president of TV licensing Lisa Avent said in a prepared statement. "This new line of merchandise will extend the series beyond TV into a full lifestyle brand offering many ways for tween girls to celebrate their sense of style, be it casual or glamorous pop star."
The plan has worked perfectly. Today, millions of pre-teen-aged girls prod, plead and pester their parents until the overworked adults shell out cash for Hannah handbags ($26) or Hannah bedding ($49.99) or Hannah approved studded denim skirts ($30).
Those unable to utter the word "No," much less gather the will to raise a backhand, leather belt or a wooden switch, cough up thousands of dollars so their 12-year-old daughters get prime seats at Montana's concerts.
One insane mother actually penned a bogus essay about a dead soldier to obtain concert tickets. "Good Morning America," which is owned by Disney, happily covered the story.
A recent "news report" put out by ABC News Internet Ventures, an entity controlled by the Disney Corporation, helped fueled the Hannah Montana frenzy with the following article last fall.
"Montana fans may be pint-sized, but the crowds at her shows are quite simply the biggest of any concert tour in America right now. Kids like that she's cool. Parents like that she's safe. ... If you're 11 years old, and you can't see Hannah Montana, that's the end of the world, the ABC report claimed. "For parents, it seems to be the end of the world, too."
Little wonder that Hannah Montana concerts are among the most expensive in the nation. Press reports indicate that scalpers and ticket outlets sell Hannah Montana concert ticket for $246, a sum that is 10 times the face value.
The Trojans did not believe Cassandra when she spoke of Greeks bearing gifts. New Englanders mocked and doubted too when Joseph Smith pulled a new Bible from a peeping hat.
Hear my words and take them to heart. It's time to fight the Consumer Industrial Complex before our precious dollar is worth less than a Peso.
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