When it comes down to it, what you name your pets or your kids isn't all that important. Chances are, whatever their names, they'll come when you call them. What you name your rock band, on the other hand, is vitally important.

A band's name creates perceptions that they are good or bad, cool or uncool, worthy or unworthy of your time. Since three others and I left a fairly successful local band a few months ago, we've struggled to find a name for our new band. It's got to be a name we all like, a name that others would like, and a name that's not already taken. According to internet searches, about half of about ninety names we've considered are taken.

Sure, you might think it's not that hard to come up with a good name. You've got a few in mind right now, in fact. Good luck getting five people to agree on one of your names. It's hard enough getting five people to agree on the kind of pizza to order. Good luck coming up with an original name too. Since there are more people with musical instruments and recording equipment in their basements who play in bands now more than people with creepers and ratchet wrenches in their garages who change their own car's oil, many of the names on your list are already taken.

So you see, it's not as easy as you thought. Welcome to my world! With our old band we developed a bit of a following after playing venues such as Herman's Hideaway, The Soiled Dove, and Hudson Gardens. Plus we had our music played on two local radio stations. Anyway, that following now expects us to come up with a great name. Certainly we don't want to let them down.

Fortunately, those fans have stuck with us even as we've played a couple shows under a name we reluctantly settled on (picture jurors too tired to argue settling on a verdict) just hours before the deadline to submit a demo disk for The Capitol Hill People's Fair. We later found that name we settled on is used by a band out of Manchester, England. Likely we won't be mistaken for each other, but you just have to have an original name. You wouldn't wear the same outfit as someone else to a Paparazzi-packed awards show, would you?

I think it's important to have a name that creates or can be associated with a visual image, like The Rolling Stones' lips or Nine Inch Nails' NIN. It ought to be something that would look good on a tattoo, a tank top, or a tube top (they're coming back, baby). To that end, I've been pitchin' 'em, but they ain't catchin' 'em.

I've presented my band mates dozens of names, including Suspicious Mole (a rodent, not a melanoma), 90-Pound Weakling, Four-Day Beard, Irrational Fears, and Vegan Piranha. Despite the bands' misgivings, I'm sure you agree these are outstanding names.

I understand it's like trying to get comfortable under a Porcupine Quilt (another name of mine) when they think of themselves associated with a name they find hard to swallow. I felt the same way as a kid when I'd tell people my dad's name was Bertram. Regardless, the band needs to trust me. They must admit the names I've presented offer unusual visual perceptions that provoke a bit of thought with a touch of zaniness.

Although my mates are better songwriters than I am, and they've even offered up some decent band names for consideration, the band needs to trust me to come up with the best name. After all, I'm the one who wrote the song about plastic surgery that includes the lines, The thing about Lynn that makes her bubble is her single new chin that used to be double and Mary you know, got her whole butt lifted; the guy who picked her pocket was extremely gifted.

Yes, trust me, I simply have a knack for arranging ink molecules in a way as to create certain images. I'm the guy who wrote in his band bio that "critics have called Rick a better drummer than Buddy Rich, Keith Moon, or any other dead guy." I'm sure you can see now why I'm the one you'd want to name the band in which you were a member.

I just found out that based on past performances, not our name, we've been booked to play a one-hour set at Herman's Hideaway on July 6th at 9:00. Apparently they need to know by tomorrow what name to print on the tickets. Your guess is as good as mine what we'll decide. Whatever it is, like your pets and your kids come when you call, we'll come when they call us to the stage.