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Pfahler Wins Prestigious TOOLY Award
On 12/25/2007
Contributed by: Kevin Johnson on 12/25/2007

It is Christmas Day and, with 2008 just around the corner, it is time once again to award the TOOLY to 2007's biggest Tool. This year's competition was stiff, as 2007 produced some of the most colossal Tools in recent memory. Let's take a look at this year's finalists:

• Roy Pearson, the lawyer from the District of Columbia who sued his dry cleaners for $65 million over a misplaced pair of pants. Pearson claims he deserves millions of dollars for damages he suffered by not getting his pants back, including "mental suffering, inconvenience and discomfort". It takes a world class Tool to consider a $65 million lawsuit a reasonable reaction to a misplaced pair of pants that needed $10.50 in alterations to begin with. Congratulations Roy Pearson, though you didn't win the TOOLY, you, Sir, are without a doubt one of the world's biggest Tools.

• Mahender and Varsha Sabhnani, a Long Island couple who were convicted in what federal prosecutors have called a case of "modern-day slavery". The millionaire perfume moguls were accused of making the lives of their maids a "living hell" by turning household items like peppers, tape and umbrellas into tools of torture. The Sabhnani's maids were found wearing rags, their bodies covered with scars, and wounds oozing from their ears, after having been subjected to daily beatings, torture, and forced servitude. Congratulations go out to the Sabhnani's for bringing a little slice of the 1800s to the modern day, though you did not win the TOOLY, you both truly are huge Tools.

• Tom Tancredo, for having the grapes to put out some of the most brutal and absurd T.V. adds ever seen during a presidential campaign, even while being fully aware that you haven't had a legitimate shot at a party nomination since the fall of the Third Reich. Good for you Tom! As if we weren't all scared enough! You infused every patriotic American with the urge to club to death anyone with brown skin daring enough to carry a backpack in a shopping mall. Thank you Tom, you truly are a Tool among pointy rocks.

• The Pentagon, for their less than stellar support of American Troops in 2007: requiring that soldiers discharged early due to battlefield injuries repay enlistment bonuses; sending the longest-serving National Guard unit home after 729 days of combat in Iraq, one day shy of the 730 needed for the soldiers to qualify for educational benefits. For all of you in the Pentagram, excuse me, Pentagon, a $15,000 screwdriver.

• And finally, the winner of this year's TOOLY... David Pfahler of Pennsylvania, for suing an 8 year old after a skiing accident in Vail last January. It takes a lot of guts and moxie to sue an 8-year-old, and a complete disregard for the common decency necessary in a functioning society. You, David, are a tool of the highest degree, and will forever be linked to past TOOLY winners, such as bloodthirsty cadaver junkies, Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler, and colossal losers, Bill Buckner and Rob Lowe.

I would like to personally extend the heartiest of congratulations to David Pfahler and all the other Tools who made 2007 a year to remember; your disregard for anything sacred and holy in this world has once again raised the bar and redefined the definition of what it means to truly be a huge Tool. For those who weren't nominated who feel like they should have been, keep trying. May your inner Tool shine like a golden, flaming, hammer; eventually you will be exposed for the Tool that you are.






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Showing 1-4 of 4 comments
Submitted By: Michael Rule
posted on 1/1/2008 @ 8:27:33 AM
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I would have to vote for the Pentagon.
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Submitted By: Bill Prather
posted on 12/28/2007 @ 5:15:22 PM
Rated Story
Good stuff. I'd like to nominate the person who keeps stealing my garden gnomes! Not to worry, though. The claymores and razor wire seem to have done the trick.
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Submitted By: Don Gushurst
posted on 12/28/2007 @ 11:09:24 AM
(Not Rated)
I'm somewhat upset you didn't nominate my sisters they are scum like the dude suing the eight year old oh well maby next year
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Submitted By: Daniel Smith
posted on 12/26/2007 @ 4:43:49 PM
Rated Story
Nicely said, especially the Pentagon brass pulling the poor guard guys out just shy of earning some ed benefits - having to repay enlistment bonuses due to war wounds is unspeakable.
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Showing 1-4 of 4 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Kevin Johnson

Denver , CO

Kevin Johnson has posted 15 stories and 0 comments since joining on 4/9/2007. Kevin Johnson's average story rating is 5.
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