Welcome to Batman Week! Until July 18th, I'm celebrating all things Batman! You're reading ChapterFour of my five part retrospective on the caped crusader in cinema. If you haven't read chapters one thru three, please go back and do so. A new chapter will be posted every day until Thursday, along with other surprises.

Batman Forever was the film studios always wanted. It was genuine summer fare that appealed to kids and adults, and it raked in a worldwide take of $336 million. And when a film makes that much money, it's time for a sequel.

Holy Franchise Batman! The Blockbuster Saga of the Dark Knight

Chapter Four:
Holy Heartbreak Batman!

"I think we might have killed the franchise."
---George Clooney, shortly after the release of Batman and Robin.

Joel Schumacher, Val Kilmer, and Chris O'Donnell were all set to return for a fourth installment. Akiva Goldsman, co-writer of the previous film, was hired to write the script. Warner Bros. was very impressed with Batman Forever's box office gross, and decided it was the more kid-friendly approach the broadened the box office. The filmmakers were instructed to pad the film with much more material that could reach that audience.

Val Kilmer left the project shortly after, feeling that the script focused too much on the villains. Michael Keaton had felt the same way when he left the franchise, which begs the question; "How did Warner Bros. not realize they had a problem with too many villains?" Days later, George Clooney signed on for three Batman films with a contract totaling $28 million.

The film's villains would be Mr. Freeze and femme fatale Poison Ivy. For Mr. Freeze, Anthony Hopkins, Patrick Stewart, and Ben Kingsley were all considered, though producers settled on Arnold Schwarzenegger for the role. Julia Roberts was approached to play Poison Ivy, and declined; they instead hired Uma Thurman. The final big addition to the cast would be Batgirl; Gwyneth Paltrow and Kristen Chenoweth were both approached, and both declined. Alicia Silverstone accepted the part.

Where are all these people now?

Val Kilmer bowed out of the picture and went on to a career in smaller films, where his performances have constantly been singled out for praise. Anthony Hopkins, Patrick Stewart, and Ben Kingsley all avoided participation, and have led succesful careers full of acclaim and awards. Julia Roberts said no to playing Poison Ivy, and went on to win an Oscar in 2001. Gwyneth Paltrow declined the part of Batgirl, and got a Best Actress nomination the following year. Kristen Chenoweth also said no to that role, and eventually starred in the Broadway show Wicked, which gave her huge critical acclaim and plenty of awards.

George Clooney, fresh off his days starring in ER and building a successful cinema career, was bumped off the A-list shortly after Batman and Robin, and didn't regain his success until 2001, with a string of successful films such as Ocean's Eleven. We haven't heard a peep from Chris O'Donnell in a long time. Uma Thurman didn't get back on top until 2003's Kill Bill. Nobody knows who Alicia Silverstone is anymore. Joel Schumacher has yet to make another warmly-received feature. Of the bunch, only Arnold Schwarzenegger was a big enough star to walk away more or less unscathed.

If you want to teach people about the consequences of good and bad choices, just recite these last two paragraphs.

The list of what's bad about 1997's Batman and Robin probably has as many items as there frames in the film reel. If the late Heath Ledger's interpretation on the Joker is as twisted and villainous as early reviews say it is, then I have no doubt he would show his victims Batman and Robin before killing them. No sane person would argue that this is by far the worst live-action Batman project. Many consider it to be one of the worst films ever made. Anyone who has seen the first five minutes knows why, and they also know how ridiculously hard it is to sum up everything that is wrong in this film. So to stop this from becoming a ridiculous rant, let's limit our scope and look at the top 10 things this movie does wrong.

10. Twisted Morals

This item isn't really an annoyance while watching the film, but it sure is strange in retrospect. No one could argue that this film is aimed squarely at kids (and possibly masochists), and as such, shouldn't there be some sort of lesson for the young ones to learn? Well, there are a few lessons...but not good ones. First off, there's the character Barbara, who at the end becomes Batgirl. Essentially, her character urges children to abandon school (she was in college at the beginning), dress like a Bat, and join two other lunatics in fighting crime. Second, there's a long and pointless scene at a banquet where gorgeous woman are being auctioned off to men. Doesn't that sound like something Batman should stop? Not to Schumacher; Batman actually participates. Basically, kids are watching their hero engage in prostitution. Wow. Next let's see Winnie the Pooh dealing drugs; then we need a movie where SpongeBob SquarePants teaches kids how to make a sawed-off shotgun. Holy Awkward Lesson Batman.

9. Bright Colors

Batman and Robin looks like a lethal acid trip. Batman Forever had some neon lights here or there, but it didn't distract. In this movie, everything is bright and colored like candy, probably to make the little ones happy. Mr. Freeze's scenes are always bright blue, Poison Ivy's scenes are a mix of bright reds and greens, and the scenes in Gotham, whether it be day or night, are lit with as much neon as possible.

8. George Clooney as Batman

George Clooney is a terrific actor, and there's no denying that. He can be witty and charming, like his role in Ocean's Eleven, or dark and complex like his Oscar-nominated turn in Michael Clayton. Watching him destroy the career he had built in this film is painful. Saying he phones in the performance would be an understatement; he's on autopilot, and an autopilot delivering dialogue like "Why is it that all the beautiful ones are homicidal maniacs?" is like being subjected to some strange, sadistic torture.

7. Clichés

Someone must have handed Joel Schumacher a list of classically horrible clichés and instructed him to use every one of them in this film. Villain trying to destroy the world? Check. Scary far-off-shot of an evil laboratory with lightning in the background? Check. Sexy seductress trying to befuddle the heroes? Check. Villain yelling "curses" after defeat? Check. Evil villain saying "First Gotham...then the world!" Check. Seemingly evil villain turns out to be doing evil deeds for a loved one? Check. Same seemingly-evil-villain helps heroes in the end? Check. You get the picture. This film is so predictable that all too often, you can predict lines of dialogue before they occur.

6. Whiny, Annoying Robin

Chris O'Donnell was in no way good in Batman Forever, but he wasn't terrible either. When you combine supreme mediocrity with an awful script, the result is pure torture. The script makes Robin the whiniest little brat imaginable. Everything Batman does, Robin complains about. I think Robin forgot, somewhere along the line, how Bruce Wayne opened up his house for a stranger he knew nothing about. And then, in the end, the film tells us Batman was wrong all along and that Robin should have gotten his way from the beginning. Yet another fine lesson for kids; if you whine and scream enough, you'll always get your way.

5. Strange Shots of the Batsuit

Whenever Batman or Robin suit up in this movie, the camera inevitably focuses on either the crotch or the buttocks (or the breasts in Batgirl's case). Maybe this is supposed to be funny, but it's just uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. No child wants to see a close up of Robin's crotch or Batman's butt, and neither do adults.

4. Batgirl

I will always love Batman and Robin for one thing; it destroyed Alicia Silverstone's career, and stopped her from poisoning big films with her awful acting. She plays Barbara Gordon...wait. No she doesn't. She plays Barbara Wilson, niece of Alfred. No other Batman incarnation has ever cast Barbara as anything but Commissioner Gordon's daughter. It's just another example of Batman and Robin taking a beloved part of the comics and screwing it all up. Anyway, Alicia Silverstone is painful to watch. The character is supposed to be British, and she talks with a distinctly American accent. How did no one catch this? Beyond the terrible portrayal, the characterization is just awful. The script makes every effort to make her bland and uninteresting, and when you combine that with a god-awful performance, the character becomes someone you really, really want to see killed by the bad-guys.

3. The Villains and Their Evil Plots

In the 2003 recall election for Governor of California, veteran actor Arnold Schwarzenegger beat out candidates Cruz Bustamante and Tom McClintock to win the position. It's obvious why these two men lost. They probably had never seen Batman and Robin. A political ad showing clips of Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze would have definitely lowered his popularity. It's that bad.

Batman and Robin features two villains; Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy, both being beloved comic villains. Why? After watching the film, I have no idea. Mr. Freeze spends his days stealing crystals, making really bad puns about ice, and training his minions to sing the Snow Miser song from "The Year Without a Santa Clause." And no, that last part is not a joke. It actually happens. Mr. Freeze hides out in a giant ice-themed building in the middle of Gotham. Why no one figures out he's hiding there? No idea. Could they possibly have made a less menacing villain? In the last half, Mr. Freeze finally comes up with an actual evil plot, which (take a wild guess) involves freezing the world (actually, it's Gotham first...then the world). Watching a terribly miscast Schwarzenegger in the role is painful. The strange part is, he actually seems to be trying. Sorry Arnold, but I'll stick with The Terminator.

Poison Ivy is the other villain, portrayed by Uma Thurman. Poison Ivy is the most clichéd villain imaginable, and the worst part of the script might just be anything involving her. As for Thurman...you know, call me crazy, but I think she knows that this movie was crud. It's almost as if she's making fun of the whole ordeal. Or not. Whatever the case, the character sucks.

2. Awful Puns, One-Liners and Jokes, With a Side Order of Cheese

After sitting through ten minutes of the film, you realize the inspiration. The Adam West series from the sixties. Okay, that series was good for some laughs, and yes, there's some nostalgia value, but honestly, we never needed another Batman incarnation inspired by it.

The film opens with a bad joke about Robin wanting a car, and then they go to a museum, which Mr. Freeze has frozen and is stealing a diamond from. Mr. Freeze immediately starts throwing out awful ice related puns like this; "Cool party!" "Ice to see you!" "The Iceman cometh" "Let's kick some ice!" Oh my God...why would any human being do this? Amidst the puns is a ridiculous scene in which Batman and Robin, while on ice skates, play Hockey with the bad guys, using the diamond Freeze is trying to steal as a puck. Again, I'm not joking. As for bad jokes...well, there are tons. This movie wanted to be a comedy more than an action movie, and it fails miserably. There's no way I could begin to list them all, so I'll just name the worst; when Batman and Robin are bidding on Poison Ivy (don't ask) Batman pulls out a Batman credit card. Yes, a Batman credit card, accompanied by the one-liner "Never leave the cave without it."

Then there's the cheese; Batman and Robin is cheesier than watching a reel of 1960's Star Trek aliens (but don't get me wrong; I love Trek). There's lines like "We're going to need a bigger cave," or even worse, lines that make the characters seem to know they're in a comic book. For instance, there's Commissioner Gordon saying "A new villain has arrived at the Gotham Museum." And why does Freeze call himself the villain, like in this quote? "What will you do: chase the villain, or save the boy? Ha ha! Your emotions make you weak! That's why this day is mine!"

And if the puns are number two, what could possibly be number 1....

1. Nipples on the Batsuit

In an effort to make Batman as homoerotic as possible, Schumacher had the costume designer put nipples on the Batsuits. Not subtle ones, either; your eyes will always be attracted to the giant Bat-nipples, even if you don't want to look. They're the worst thing about this film because they represent everything that's so misguided and just plain wrong within the movie. And you know what I've always wondered? Don't take me for a pervert, but why do Batman and Robin's suits have nipples, but Batgirl's doesn't...I mean, shouldn't she be the one with...oh, never mind.

I could go on and on about everything that's wrong with Batman and Robin, but I'm sure you get the picture. There's a line that defines awful filmmaking. Movies like Hulk, Superman IV, or anything by Uwe Boll rest on this line. Batman and Robin charges over that line and continues for 100 miles. It's so bad that it actually becomes...fun to watch. There's a humor value in seeing such awful writing and acting. The film is legendary in its awfulness, and can actually be entertaining because it's so bad. Whenever I feel bad about myself, I go and find the clip online where Mr. Freeze teaches his evil minions the snow miser song. Because even if I did something wrong, at least I didn't participate in something like that.

But that doesn't excuse the film from being a god-awful abomination that is a black eye on mankind. Batman and Robin gets a big fat F.

However, the film will always have a place in history that must be admired. Batman and Robin was a failure, making only $238 million at the box office. Critics, of course, hated it with a fiery passion, and moviegoers couldn't stand it. The film was bad enough to destroy the careers of most everyone involved, and after it's critical and commercial failure, Warner Bros. decided to re-tool the franchise once more, and was determined to make a film that would please fans; a true Batman film.

Batman and Robin is important because it taught everyone involved a valuable lesson; you can't mess with a beloved icon and expect to get away with it. Mainstream audiences, despite their often poor choice in films, do have a line. When you take a character that means so much to so many people and crush it into tiny pieces, you can't expect the reception to be favorable. Batman has had many injustices done to him over the years in cinema. Filmmakers have constantly misinterpreted the character, but the caped crusader always raked in cash. As long as Batman was on screen, no matter how misguided it was, it was okay in the minds of studios. He was bringing them cash.

Batman and Robin changed that. While the film is a terrible abomination of cinema, it must always be remembered as the turning point for Batman in movies. The lessons gained from its failure put into motion a string of events that would lead to the first cinematic take on the character that made all the right moves.

To Be Concluded...

Check back tomorrow for the fifth and final chapter of Holy Franchise Batman!