When I first read this title, "Things that keep CEOs awake at night", I laughed heartily. Then, I thought about it. I recalled many CEOs who drove their companies to bankruptcy only to walk away with loaded bank accounts courtesy of the protection provided by the "Golden Parachute". Next, the image of Alfred E. Newman, that smiling, gap-toothed character from Mad Magazine, popped into my head. "What- Me Worry?", CEO Newman responded as questions of fiscal mismanagement, misappropriation of funds, and office "hanky panky" were raised while the shadow of impending recession and his own impending unemployment loomed. In a modern twist on an old biblical reference, CEO Newman knew that, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for I have the Golden Parachute". Any God-fearing, modern, greedy, American, entrepreneurial CEO knows that the only thing really worth worrying about enough to keep one awake at night is that Golden Parachute. Can you hear the sounds of the cash register in the background as the 1977 Pink Floyd classic, "Money" begins to play? Ka-ching.

If you were on a plane 10,000 feet in the air and you knew it was going to crash because you were a lousy pilot, you wouldn't be worrying about flying lessons. It only makes sense that you would be looking for the only parachute on the plane and trying to find it before any of the other 200 passengers did. Sharing is not allowed. There is only enough parachute, no matter how big, for one. "God help the mister who comes between me and my sister, and God help anyone who comes between me and my golden parachute". I'm pretty sure that's the way the song goes, but it used to rhyme better. I guess that's the point. Rhyme and reason take a back seat to self-interest and self-preservation in our modern society. For proof, take a look around. The song starts, "Money, it's a gas..." So it is.

Do you think oil companies care about the single mother with four kids who has to decide between buying gas for her car or food for her children? If you do, please be advised of record profits and record high prices. Do you think American retailers care about anything but the bottom line when they charge $200 for a jersey stitched together in a foreign country by 12 year-olds working 15 hour days and making .23 an hour. That jersey cost around $1.00 to make, including materials, shipping, taxes and other expenese, less corporate profit. Do you think I need any more examples? Think about it. What would you, as CEO, do? What would most people do? Take the money and run? You bet your life they would, and, unfortunately for many, that is the high cost we all pay. The song continues, "..new car, caviar, maybe even a football team." It's me or you.

Retailers like to point out how much shoplifting costs shoppers and how much prices have to be raised to cover the losses. Well, I want to know who picks up the tab for those Golden Parachutes? I want to know how CEOs justify making 600 times what their average workers make and live in lavish wealth while the people who made them rich cannot even afford to visit a doctor when they are ill. Yes, this is America and slavery is not dead. The CEOs know it, they thrive on it and the only thing they lose sleep over besides the rigidity of their parachutes is the inconceivable notion that their parachutes might fail. The song says, "Money. Get back. Keep your hands off my stack."

With his big, Golden Parachute securely attached, CEO Newman watched as his company plummeted 10,000 feet to the Earth below. Before the final descent, CEO Newman was fired, stepped out of the company, pulled the "loop hole" to release his chute and floated safely to the ground. A crowd of reporters gathered around the scene of the crash, and quickly responded when CEO Newman finally touched down. Everyone wanted to know how Mr. Newman expected to survive now that he was down to his last 180 million. There would certainly be hard times ahead and cutbacks at the Newman household. No one asked about the real casualties. Through the onslaught of questions about the past, the present and the future, CEO Newman was seen smiling as he so tactfully responded, "What-Me worry?" Ka-ching. The song plays on and on.