Having a baby is a joyous experience, but even the best relationships are strained during the transition from duo to trio. Lack of sleep, never-ending housework, and new fiscal concerns often lead to conflict, disappointment, and hurt feelings. We know that approximately 3.6 million babies are born to couples every year in the United States. This should be a time of great joy, right?

Unfortunately, research from many laboratories, has shown that for a majority of couples these joys are fleeting at best. Research conducted by John Gottman and associates at the University of Washington found that 67% of mothers experience a precipitous drop in relationship satisfaction starting about six months after the first baby is born. Father typically experienced the same decrease in relationship satisfaction, but not until after the first year. With this decrease in satisfaction, the couple's relationship often begins a downward spiral. Conflict within the relationship and hostility toward each other dramatically increases, emotional intimacy deteriorates. Couples become bewildered and exhausted while their passion, sex and romance plummet.

It is not only mom and dad that suffers, distress in the couple relationship can also affect baby. Babies need parents who respond lovingly and appropriately to them. When parents are distressed and lonely or depressed, they are less responsive to their babies, which can lead into a cycle where baby is more demanding which adds additional stress to an overwhelmed parent. In the Gottman studies, babies raised by unhappy parents suffered developmentally. They lagged behind the babies of contented parents both intellectually and emotionally. Speech occurred later, potty training was delayed, and the ability to self-soothe was slow in coming.

It is important for every couple to nurture and protect their relationship, but this is especially true for new parents. Fortunately there are a number of resources that can help. One is a new book (released January 9) by John and Julie Gottman, And Baby Makes Three. In the Gottman studies 33% of couples showed no decline and sometimes had an increase in relationship satisfaction during the transition to parenthood. Much of their new book provides insight, information and exercises gleaned from the differences between the couples who were able to maintain high relationship satisfaction during the transition with those who were not. Based on the successful Bringing Baby Home workshop And Baby Makes Three helps couples to:

• maintain intimacy and romance
• replace a culture of criticism and irritability with one of appreciation
• prevent post-partum depression
• create a home environment that nurtures physical, emotional, and mental health, as well as cognitive and behavioral development for your baby

I recommend this particular book because it has a solid research base, is written in an engaging manner, includes assessments and skills to help couples identify their strengths and growth areas and then chart a course for improvement through some very practical exercises and practices. The book also intentionally seeks to draw dads into process and helps couples understand the basics of child development. The clear message from research is that the greatest gift a couple can give their baby is a loving relationship, with that in mind, why not give your child a gift . . . and work through the book?

Sky Ridge Medical Center in Lone Tree offers Bringing Baby Home workshops on which this new book is based. Visit skyridgemedcenter.com for registration information (click on classes and events).

Rich Batten is the father of four, a certified family life educator and the family and consumer science agent for the Colorado State University Cooperative Extension Office in Douglas County Colorado. For more information on this or other family related issues visit www.douglascountyextension.org and click Family/Consumer.