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A Remembrance of a Protest Passed
Contributed by: Kevin Johnson on 12/23/2007

Last winter I went to Washington D.C. for a protest march, not so much because I wanted to protest but because my buddy Boog had a connection with an airline and got us tickets to D.C. for like $50 and I had nothing better to do that weekend. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I had heard, read, and seen on TV images and stories of all the great marches on D.C. back in the 60s and such and, being a guy who really appreciates and understands a good moment in history, thought that it would be fun to be a part of such a moment.

The event was hailed as "The Superfuntime March on the Capital", and was brought to the public by Google. Standard issue protest signs were handed out to participants as they entered the National Mall, reading: Impeach Bush; Enjoy a Snapple. Everyone was given a souvenir T-Shirt, which was similar in design to one I got a few years back while working as a roadie during the Summer Sanitarium Tour of 2003; the members of Limp Bizkit replaced by members of the current administration, including: "Rove-Dogg", "Prez Biznush", and "Big Dickey C".

The National Mall had the atmosphere of a carnival, or at least a top-notch county fair. Organizations sold buttons, funnel cakes, and memorabilia from city sanctioned booths. The "Can you hear me now?" dude from Verizon, the "official wireless service" of the afternoon's protest, peered down on the crowd from the Jumbotron, encouraging voters to text March to 85876 to win a free trip to Orlando. A lone gunman shot t-shirts into the crowd from the outskirts, a juggling rabbi rode around on a unicycle, neo-hippies watched two scantily clad women mud wrestled in a pit set up right next to a joint selling dip and dots, "ice cream of the future". It was quite a scene and more than overwhelming to a first timer, and I wandered around in a daze with a big smile on my face, courtesy of the Socialists of America face-painting booth, and tried to imagine what it must have been like for Martin Luther King, Jr. when he gave his famous, "I have a dream speech".

"I wonder if they let him cut to the front of the roller coaster lines." I said aloud to myself, buy my own thoughts were "cut" short as Final Countdown played over the speaker system, the light show commenced, and the main show began.

Rumors circulated through the crowd that The Dave Matthews Band was coming, another dude told me Pearl Jam, and still another said that Kurt Cobain had risen from the grave and would be reuniting with Nirvana for a 30 song set. The excitement in the air was as thick as the weed smoke, and emotions were just as high. But what happened next was better than all the speculations put together. Sean Penn, actor in such cinema classics as The Falcon and the Snowman and U Turn, took the stage and gave one of the most awe inspiring speeches ever heard in that one horse town, a portion of which I will recount here and now, verbatim:

Hello Washington...D.C.! (Crowd erupts. Women on the shoulders of men who may or may not have been their husbands, removed their tops and swung them wildly about their heads). I am Sean Penn! (Silence) You know, Sean Penn... I was in Being John Malkovich... come on! (Somewhere in the distance a guy farts really loud and a few giggles spatter the dumbfounded crowd). You guys are horrible! I narrated Dogtown and Z-Boys for God's sake! Anyway, I'm glad to see you all here today. We need to do something to take our county back... unfortunately I have to fly back to my mansion in Hollywood...ever heard of it? So I won't be able to join you. But have fun. I am Sean F'ing Penn!

And with that, Sean F. Penn was airlifted out on a silver helicopter and the Superfuntime March on the Capital officially began.

The crowd was ushered single file around a three block radius, metal road-fencing set up to make sure no one wandered off the government regulated protest route; the whole thing was over in about an hour, which was good because I was getting tired and the rally was unfortunately scheduled around my usual 11-3 afternoon nap. There were no major incidents except for one run-in with the D.C. Police, and this was partly my fault.

"Excuse me, officer?" said I.

"Wadda ya want ya hooligan?" chirped the officer, slamming his Billy club into his hand, just waiting for me to look at him cock-eyed so he could ram it into my gut.

"I was wondering if I could step outside the line and get a scone at the Library of Congress Starbucks? I am really hungry; just had a light breakfast this morning."

The officer glared at me with eyes like burning embers and muttered a few inaudible grunts.

"So... is that cool, or...?"

His closed fist came down on the top of my head.

"Get a move on, you crumbum," said the officer, "nobody steps outside the line in this country anymore... not even for a scone."



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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Kevin Johnson

Denver , CO

Kevin Johnson has posted 15 stories and 0 comments since joining on 4/9/2007. Kevin Johnson's average story rating is 5.
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