Article Contributed on: 8/21/2006 5:05:24 PM
So, if you're like me, you're about 6'5", roughly 235 pounds, and in possession of less hair than you had, say, ten years back.
That's beside the point, though. If you're like me, you also have a toddler at home, and are therefore exposed to vast quantities of toddler television. As such, you've (likely by accident) come to hold rather strong opinions regarding this programming.
For instance, within my own home, there is great dissention and strife regarding a specific show, its original host, and the sorry, second rate replacement who's succeeded him.
Let's cut to the heart of today's column:
war.
Now, I'm not getting all political on you, here. We're not talking terrorism, the little matter of Iranian President Ahmadinejad's sanity or lack thereof, or the Palestinian question. No, what we're talking about is far more fundamental...far more
relevant for millions of families across the country.
Blue's Clues. Steve vs. Joe.
In the annals of television history, there have been numerous monumental miscalculations; the random switching of Darrins on
Bewitched, the mystifying addition of the sinister Cousin Oliver to
The Brady Bunch, the complete and utter retooling of
Charles in Charge, and yes, the addition of original host Steve's "brother" Joe to the cast of
Blue's Clues back in 2002.
This new guy (played by actor Donovan Patton) is, to be frank, a
very poor man's Steve. There's just nothing to be said in his favor. Where Steve was a smallish, timid, normal-looking guy, we're supposed to believe that his "little brother"Joe - an obvious product of genetic manipulation, given his massive size, impossible hairline, and perpetual cheer - is genuinely related to him? I don't think so.
Let's have a look at the men behind the animated blue pooch, shall we?
Joe=Donovan Patton. Now, here we've already run into a problem or two. First? Unless you're either a 60s-era singer who goes by one name, or a mysteriously underrated Philidelphia Eagles QB, you should never be named "Donovan". Second? Unless you've got yourself a couple of pearl-handled revolvers, and a propensity for slapping the troops under your command, you should never be named "Patton". Thus, the man behind "Joe" brazenly shows his disdain for the law by violating not one, but TWO sacrosanct naming conventions.
His only talents appear to be wearing more shirts than Steve, and aping Steve's classic rendition of "We Just Got a Letter". Shameless.
Steve=Steven Burns. Steven. Steve. How can you not trust a guy named Steve? Well, okay, maybe not Steven Seagal, but still...you can trust a guy named "Steve" more often than not.
Also, since leaving Blue behind, Steve has gone on to become the subject of an urban legend or three, record a couple of surprisingly good albums, and work with both the Flaming Lips, and They Might Be Giants. Granted, those might not be positives for you, but still, he's got some range, right?
Now, on the show, both of these characters find themselves on an intellectual plane with lint, what with their incessant refusal to notice the "clues" dangling directly in front of their eyes, and their thorough disregard for any logical behavior whatsoever, but this merely brings up another problem with the transition as it occurred: Steve's going to college?
I don't think so.
Still, Joe manages to carry Steve's traditional, charmingly blissful ignorance to unseemly heights, routinely calling into quesiton his ability to remember to keep breathing without a reminder from his "handy-dandy notebook". His cheery dunderheadedness knows no bounds, and his rotating stable of mock turtlenecks is starting to get on my nerves.
My home is a house divided. My lovely and talented wife - normally so intelligent and level-headed as to cause me to wonder why the heck she married me - somehow favors the loathesome Joe. I, on the other hand, much prefer the original and best. Both of us are doing our darndest to indoctrinate our little girl, and I think I'm winning; she's evidently beginning to view this interloper with suspicion. Noggin (Nick Jr.'s preschooler lineup, running from morning to late afternoon) runs older episodes
of Blue's Clues, in addition to the Joe-filled variants, and as such, my daughter has started to chant "Steve, Steve, Steve!"during the opening credits, hoping desperately that the episode that's coming her way won't carry with it the stench of Joe-ness.
Chalk one up for the cause of justice. Chalk one up for Steve.