RECENT STORIES

College selection - who knows best? ( CAPlus of Denver )
Colorado dads unite to end domestic violence ( Be There for Your Kids )
Dominique Dawes to speak at St. Mary's Academy ( St. Mary's Academy )
ACC to host debate between McCain, Obama campaigns ( John Scarffe )
Love and Logic continues to impress in schools ( Andrew Green )

share a story | more postings »

YourHub.com \\ Englewood \\ Stories \\ Health/Fitness \\ Weight Loss

So, Mr. Universe I'm not...

e-mail to a friend | print this | link to this

Contributed by: Jared Keller on 2/9/2006

Like most Americans, I'm a bit overweight at the moment. I'm around 6'5", so I spread my weight across a pretty stretched frame, but still, I weigh around 20 or 30 pounds more than I'd like to. As such, I've begun the process of getting myself back into shape.

The Marine Corps is found of saying that pain is weakness leaving the body. If this is indeed the case, I have discovered that my body is composed of approximately 80% weakness, with the rest being made up of a mixture of water, high fructose corn syrup, and Hostess Ding Dong cream filling. Simply put, I hurt today.

The process of regaining (or simply gaining) physical fitness seems to be to be rather like that of mountain climbing, to use a shopworn metaphor. Those of us in the lowermost category of fitness waddle, grunt, and sweat through our 30-minute workouts, simply trying to survive long enough to get to basecamp, where we can collapse, and grab some oxygen. Meanwhile, our iPod-wearing, sculpted, toned, and ripped betters mock us effortlessly from the summit, cruising for hours on end upon elliptical machines, and tossing about ridiculous jargon involving "blasting through zones" and other plainly made-up gibberish, while offering unsolicited, nonsensical encouragement that they've transparently ripped from the countless motivational posters and paperweights that undoubtedly fill their homes. There is one benefit to this arrangement, however, in that it provides instant and continuous motivation in the form of an intense desire to reach the summit - if only so that we can thrust our fists into the air in triumph, and then promptly toss our metabolically-enhanced peers into a nearby crevasse as we eat their Sherpas. It's like playing King of the Hill, but with more wheezing.

The gym isn't my favorite place to go, but I am looking forward to avoiding screams of protest from my knees upon ascending flights of stairs, and being able to say "last night, while I was working out..." to someone without experiencing the involuntary split-second look of confusion that passes over their face as they try to reconcile in their mind the apparent clash between my physical appearance, and my claims of regular, vigorous exercise.

In addition, my gym attendance - despite my overall dislike of that which smacks of physical exertion - has afforded me the opportunity to aid medical science, so I've got that going for me. It would seem that I've discovered a heretofore unlabeled malady that seems to affect men in the 18-35 demographic most acutely. In what I've come to call "ILS", or "Imaginary Lat Syndrome", the sufferer's arms splay slightly outward just beneath the shoulder, and then bend inward, toward the body, at the elbow - giving the impression that the person is carrying either bundles of invisible kindling (or perhaps Kate Moss) under each arm. Upon encountering another individual, the ILS sufferer jerks his head spasmodically upward, while uttering a single, guttural "'sup.", which is properly translated as "What is up, my friend?". What I've been able to discern, is that ILSers believe that strolling about in this silly way will lend the illusion of impressive back muscles - or "lats" - to their rather humble frames. These large muscles would then, as the theory goes, serve as sources of envy among other males, and triggers for unmitigated lust among females of the species. Unfortunately for our young ILS victims, there isn't a single instance in recorded history in which this belief has proven to be even remotely well-founded.

On a side note, this same group is often prone to the misguided belief that rolling down one's car window while playing (loudly) a specific song will serve to make the head-bobbing driver irresistible to members of the opposite sex, who will then follow the young men in question home, begging for them to sire their children.

If you have a loved one who suffers from ILS, it is imperative that you take action. Early intervention offers the best hope for recovery. Without treatment, ILS has been known to metastasize into any number of other, similarly destructive maladies later in life, including SCP (Surreptitious Combover Propensity), MAGEL (Middle-Aged Guy Eminem-Listening), and, perhaps most seriously, the melding of several individual afflictions - GMW (Gold Medallion-Wearing), TAD (Trans-Am Driving), and BB (Brut Bathing) - into one single perfect storm of a textbook mid-life crisis.

At any rate, here's hoping that we all get out there and move around a little more. See you at the gym.

[Report this as objectionable content.]

SUBMIT COMMENT

Rate the above story

Talk Back : submit comments to the story

*Note: you need to log-in to add a comment or rating.

Thank you! Your comment has been updated.

CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 465 stories and 64 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average story rating is 4.86.

view profile » view other postings from Jared Keller »

SAVE AND SHARE THIS STORY

digg	Google
del.icio.us	Yahoo!
reddit	newsvine

What is this?

STORY RSS FEEDS

All stories

All stories in Englewood

All stories by Jared Keller

WANT TO WRITE FOR YOURHUB.COM?

Want to see the stories you write and the photos you shoot featured in the YourHub.com Thursday print section available all over the Front Range and with home subscriptions of the Rocky Mountain News and The Denver Post? All you have to do is register, then post a story or column, start a blog or tell everyone what events are happening in town. We will print the best stories, columns, event listings, photos and blog entries in our print sections.

Loading Ad