As we were frantically heading to a birthday party, my three year old insisted on wearing her princess nightie. Not only did I think she was being unreasonable - jammies to a birthday party seemed like bad Mom etiquette - but I wanted her to wear the new outfit I had bought her. The one that I agonized over picking the right size and color. I thoughtfully chose something that reflected her personality and would be comfortable to wear. I was certain she would love it....uh, not so much. An hour and a half later, we were both in tears. Before I knew it, I was so grumpy I couldn't stand myself.
After agreeing on a dress, we were on way and calm was restored.I spent the drive thinking about why it is I got all worked up about clothes,of all things. I suppose it is my control freak nature, combined with missing the days when she needed me for everything. Later that day, we took a walk around the neighborhood. I let her pick what she wore - her princess nightie and purple rain boots. She proudly pushed her pink doll stroller with her floppy baby in it, up and down our neighbor's driveways and 4 wheeled it in their yards. She was happily singing and shuffling in her too big boots, with no socks on. A few minutes into it, I noticed that she didn't have under pants on either.
Shortly after the princess nightie episode, she decided that her favorite thing to wear was a pink dress. Her favorite part of the dress, she said, was the heart applique that looked like a tattoo. The pink dress went everywhere. For a while, I tried talking her into wearing something else, but then I let that go and just washed it every night. As she grew taller and the weather changed, I added leggings to her look (I was happy that she let me pick those out). I got used to the pink dress and I loved what it meant - She was asserting her independence and building confidence and character. I especially loved that she wore that dress without a care in the world about stains or people sarcastically saying to her "Oh Ellie, look, you're wearing your pink dress again, you must like it". With a big smile, she would say "YES" and twirl around. She would enter a room and proudly tell whoever she saw "wook at my pink dress - I wuv it".
The only time she set the pink dress aside, was her first day at ballet. On that day she wore her pink leotard and pink tights with pink, sparkle, princess heels and a blue Cinderella crown. She stood tall in the line to enter class. The next week when she wanted to wear her pink dress instead, I reminded her that she would have to wear ballet clothes every time - without missing a beat, she said "I don't meed to go, I can dance all by myyyyself".
I envy her three year old outlook on life and her fearlessness, but mostly, I envy her confidence to take risks and the ease with which she makes choices that are right for her. I am in awe of how 'in control' of her life she is... and of how 'in control' of
my life she is. She leads my days and I have grown to like that. I love living vicariously through her. Everything is new and fresh...all the time...constantly changing...experiencing everything from a perspective that it is real and true - not even the slightest thought otherwise. I can't remember a time before Ellie that I was happy, at peace, and with a feeling that I am exactly where I need to be. Not that life is simple or uncomplicated by any means. I am still a wife, friend, sister, daughter and myself - and that can be hard - but, since she came into my life, I am better at all of those roles because she makes me want to be a better person.
Five months after the pink dress love fest began, she proclaimed to me that she's not going to wear it anymore and put on a pair of jeans and fleece top. It makes me sad to think about putting the pink dress away. I value the lessons I learned from it. It does me good to let Ellie lead me. I am reexperiencing phases of my life through the fresh, uninhibited eyes of a three year old - with the benefit of wisdom. I listen to myself as I explain things to her and I often think "huh, I never it saw it that way before". This silly, stained, stretched out, pink dress has a special place in my heart and putting it away reminds me that Ellie's growing up. As a mother, I would like time to stand still.
I know there will be many pink dresses in our future. They are a part of her life journey and mine. We are growing up together, side by side. What a blessing it is for me to have her as my guide.