Sometimes, I can't stand my child. Up until Ellie neared her third birthday there was pretty much nothing she could do, that would get me mad - like seriously mad - at her. But then, my wonderful child was replaced with a loud, temperamental, crazy one. Our relationship was stressed and I stressed over our changing relationship. I didn't know how to handle my temperamental child and keep my sanity and dignity. I cried...a lot. I asked for help...a lot...and things got better.

A year later, there are still days when this beautiful, perfect, innocent being, whose life God entrusted to me - a gift of light at a time when I was darkest...is just plain awful! I'll try to spend as little time around her as possible, counting down the minutes until she goes to bed. She is so bossy. When she was two, I referred to her as a terrorist. Other moms laughed and warned me that it gets worse each year. It did. At (nearly) four she is stubborn, too. Quicker, stronger, louder, and 'on to me'- she has control over me flipping out. I'll ask her directly - "who ARE you?". She snorts out - "your baby" - it's scary.

I consider myself to be a patient, caring, loving and mindful mom, but sometimes I find myself nagging, begging, and crying for a break from her. Those days when I become her nemesis leave me exhausted and guilt ridden. I can't stand either of us. We don't have a lot of those days, but I still hate them.

Maybe it was because I was forewarned, or maybe I'm just more adept at mothering, but, I don't get so worked up about things she does to annoy me. I still need my Mommy Time Out every now and again, but I easily go to my Happy Place (a beach) in my mind and I think about what it would feel like tomorrow if she were gone forever. Nothing could bring back my time with her today. Ellie is just a three and a half year old being a three and half year old. I see her as her as the child that she is - innocent, new, perfect, beautiful, funny, and she's all mine. Mostly, though, I see a little person who has changed my life in ways that I could not have predicted and in ways I wasn't prepared for. She has taken over my life and gave it a makeover - in a really, really, really, good way. The rest of life is short and there is nothing more important to me than she is. These days with her will be gone soon.