Article Contributed on: 3/28/2006 7:18:46 AM
In this column, readers from all over write in to ask our
featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very
specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a
way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers
here.
Today we are proud to feature Glen Johanssen
, a Modesto, California, resident specializing
in chewing gum.
Dear Glen,
I love my husband, Evan, but not when he chews gum. He
chomps, he slobbers, and he always spits in my face when he talks.
Wrigley's, Bubbalicious, Hubba Bubba--it's all the same. I've tried
telling him, "chew softly, my love," and, "say it...don't spray
it," as well as, "quit slobbering, for the love of God." Divorce is
my next step. What can I do?
-"Emily J. Higgins"
Albany, NY
Dear "Emily J. Higgins,"
Loud gum chewing and slobbering is something that annoys us
all--my best friend used to do it. Fortunately for us, the odious
habit of gum slobbering is just a phase, and this abhorrent
behavior usually passes quickly. If not, most definitely file for
divorce.
Dear Glen,
My boyfriend says that gum originated in China during the
Ming Dynasty. I think that's a load of crap. I say it was invented
right here in Texas in the seventies. Can you settle this once and
for all?
-Darla Hill
Arlington, TX
Dear Darla,
Your boyfriend is close, except that instead of China, gum
originated in what is now Germany, and instead of during the Ming
Dynasty, it was about sixty-eight thousand years earlier when a
Neanderthal man (whom we in the gum field have nicknamed "Jimmy"),
stepped in a puddle of tree sap. Wanting to give something special
to his mate, "Annabel," Jimmy collected a handful of the sap, mixed
in some dirt (for texture),wadded it up around a flower petal (for
flavor), stuck a hair in it (we still don't know why), and gave it
to Annabel. Although Annabel's jaw was permanently sealed shut when
she chewed it, it was still a thoughtful gift, and the discovery
paved the way for many improvements in the production process over
the years. Today, many flavors of gum are sold the world over, even
in Texas.
Dear Glen,
Hi. You know that quote, "If gum be the fruit of love, play
on?" Well, what exactly did Shakespeare mean by that? And could you
elaborate on the metaphorical meaning and symbolic intricacies of
that phrase?
-Jessica R.
Holyoke, OH
Dear Jessica,
I believe it's "music," not "gum."
From the author: This advice column is a feature from
The
Teaspoon Times, a small print publication I started in 2004,
and distributed in coffee shops around town. Now you can visit
online at teaspoontimes.com. I hope you have as much fun reading
them as I do writing them!