It has been a little over a year since I packed my bags, kissed my husband and baby goodbye and loaded a van headed on a seven day journey - to participate in something I hardly knew anything about. I was part of a group taking some Christmas cheer to an orphanage in Chihuahua, Mexico. I was drawn to the story of a home that existed because of one man's dream -a message from God to bring children into his home, the story goes. On the morning after the visionary dream, a child appeared at his doorstep. That's how Casa Hogar Misericordia (House of Mercy) began - as a home for children that need one. They are young victims of abuse & neglect, some taken off the street, abandoned by family, while others are there because no other institutions will take them, particularly those with special needs. They get a bed, clothes, a meal and spiritual guidance. They are taught the basics - reading, writing, and a trade - skills that will help them when they are once again, on their own.

I found the kids to be sadder than I expected and the facility wasn't exactly inviting. I was hesitant to wander the grounds alone, as the buildings kind of spooked me. Run down, trashed with graffiti - I got a sense that a lot of pain lived there. The grounds are surrounded by high cinder block walls, topped with coiled barbed wire, to keep the bad guys out, I thought - and to keep the kids from running off, I was told (which I found odd - why leave ? Isn't life on the streets worse?). The same high walls exist between the girls and boys facilities, along with chained metal doors with large locks. All the barbed wire and chains with locks troubled me. I don't know what anyone else thought of it, but all those safety measures made me feel unsafe.

A few months after my trip, I received a call that one of the children had died. After being locked up in a room and left alone for several hours, he died of asphyxiation - likely his saliva and vomit. It was a sad and lonely death for a boy who lived a sad and lonely life. He had many physical and mental disabilities, a history of seizures and was prone to aggressiveness. His prostitute mother would tie him up to control his outbursts. When she could no longer restrain him, he bounced around different institutions. Eventually, his physical needs as well as his aggressiveness were no longer welcome anywhere. That landed him at Casa Hogar. It is the same story for many of the other kids - no child is ever turned away.

I would say thatI wasn't entirely surprised to hear of the circumstances behind the boy's death. Something about the staff and the buildings didn't seem "right", but not ever having been to a place like that, I didn't question it as much as I questioned why I felt uneasy. As I learned more about the orphanage, I was disappointed to hear about the discipline taking place. Discipline that includes isolation, as well as having the older kids hit the younger ones with sticks. One child was left in solitary for over 20 days. On the evening we arrived in Chihuahua, I went to the orphanage for the first time and I remember thinking that it was really, really, dark there. I can't imagine being locked up and alone in that kind of dark.

As Casa Hogar is dependent on the goodwill of some US churches, they banded together and formed a task force to help reorganize. A board was set up to oversee the activities at the orphanage and a plan was developed to turn things around for the children. The founders of the orphanage were in support of the oversight and control, but at the last minute they declined the assistance. As a result, some of the churches that supported Casa Hogar withdrew funding. Understandably, they felt that continuing to do so, supports the abuse.

It's hard for me to know who to blame or be angry at. The founders - because they don't have the knowledge to run such a facility, nor the finances to hire people who do? Do you blame a corrupt country, a society and system that don't have the resources to protect all the children in their care? How do you make it better? I don't know, but I think it takes a lot of money, some connections in Mexico, and lots of people.

A few months ago, I went to a fund raiser for the Tennyson Center in Denver - a refuge for children and families of abuse and neglect. As I listened to the speakers talk about the services they provide, I couldn't help but think about Casa Hogar and how those resources would make it the type of orphanage it was meant to be. I cried as much for the kids in Mexico as I did for those at Tennyson Center as I watched videos of them talking about themselves. Like the kids at Casa Hogar, their stories are different, but all have lived broken lives. Unlike the kids at Casa Hogar - they are getting the help they need and their futures are promising. Looking back on my notes and pictures from a year ago, I see a different Casa Hogar. While it is admirable that no child is turned away, it has over extended its ability to care for these troubled children. Their needs exceed the resources that the orphanage can provide.

It is the one year anniversary of that boy's death and I still struggle with what to do to help - that would really make a difference. I am compelled to tell the story of some children I spent a few days with, whose stories I don't even know. It's just not enough - I don't think their lives will get better.