As the saying goes, if only I had a dollar... Well, if I only had one for every smug " My children will (or will never) ..." I have spoken over the years and broken since parenthood began. Let's just say I should be satiated for a good long time with the crow ingested so far and it's only been a year and a half. I shudder to think of what's left to come.

All of these sanctimonious beliefs originated from observing and harshly judging some hapless parent, when I of course was childless and might I add - clueless.

Just like I'm sure my sudden weight gain with no change in lifestyle at 30 was direct payment for judging others for "letting themselves go" when really I myself had been coasting on the benefits and beauty of youth. It's a payback - an excruciating, unforgiving and perhaps deserved payback. But those occurrences happened every once in a while over the years. With parenthood, it happens daily.

The list of these "mothering" judgments is long and varied. Pick a topic, I've had an opinion - a merciless, naïve, self-righteous opinion. It began before the first child was even out of the womb with - my child will be born naturally. Ha!

Mother nature had a different plan. This child was not coming on its own - nor with any "natural" inducements, even after an additional two weeks in the oven, much to the consternation of my doctors.

When I finally gave in and let them induce via pitocin, any semblance of natural childbirth went out the window. I think it was mere minutes after the application that I demanded an epidural to stop the constant, rapid contractions that left no time to recover and work through the pain with hypnotherapy.

When the 10 pound 2.5 ounce boy finally entered the world via cesarean, it was safe to say my opinion had changed to - my child will be born in whatever way is required so that we both emerge healthy and alive.

The slide from there has been steep. My children will never wear disposable diapers went out the window when I realized I was not up for laundry every day and that cloth diapers have less than a fourth the capacity of disposable.

My child will never be seen in public in just a diaper, until of course we are at an art museum special event where he somehow fires out of a perfectly dry diaper and manages to soak his pants and shirt. And, no one packed a backup outfit in the diaper bag.

My children will never have a crusty nose died after the first three-week cold. Who can further torture their child and their raw red nose with the constant wiping? Besides one look at rivers of green snot and your standards are lowered to merely eliminating the most nauseating body fluids flowing from your child.

My child will never eat pizza, French fries, potato chips, sweets, etc. assumes you live in isolation and have no exposure to friends, family and especially grandparents (and you are never caught by your child sneaking a chocolate).

The big one I have broken every single day - my child will never eat or drink in the car. Unfortunately, this one is in direct opposition to - in order to maintain my sanity, my child will never cry more than 30 seconds. But, the tide has turned. This rule has been reinforced today only because of a rule I never thought I'd need - my child will never ride in a car that smells like something died in it.

Apparently unfound spilled milk smells similar to a rotting carcass and, even more importantly, is especially difficult to get rid of.

Of course I've already modified the rule to accept the less noxious water and the jury is still out on snacks. Besides being taught to hold my judgment, I'm learning compromise is key to parenthood survival. And, although they make a heck of a mess and instantly create a pigsty in the car, crackers are generally easy to find and rarely reek of death and spoilage and are essential in the pacification of a toddler and might I add, an expectant mom.

As I brace for the next my child will never... to broadside me, I'm taking stock of my long-held, misguided beliefs on proper parenting and every vulnerable parent I have judged and replacing them with a whatever works as long as everyone's healthy attitude.

Hopefully baby number two benefits from my new enlightenment. I've been told by the time you have child number three, you don't care what your kid is wearing as long as they are dressed - little girls can wear Bob the Builder...boys look good in pink?

Susan Hoffer is a resident of Evergreen.