"The holiest of all holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
End of year holidays and celebrations often mean the combined embrace of joy and sorrow. Annual reminders of a loved one’s death can be challenging. Sights, sounds, and smells of the holidays will often trigger fond memories that can leave you walking on air one moment and experiencing waves of loneliness the next. During these times it is important to acknowledge your feelings and not be afraid to talk them through with a trusted family member or friend.
Sam Quick, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist at the University of Kentucky suggests not creating problems for yourself by expecting the worst. Be aware that certain circumstances may trigger sorrow and other painful feelings. Be prepared, stay flexible, and trust your ability to handle whatever arises.
Consider the following suggestions, gleaned from my own experience, the writing of others and discussions with people who have lost loved ones in the past year:
Plan Ahead. As a general rule, even early in your bereavement, you'll benefit from joining family and friends on days of special celebration. Of course, there are exceptions, and only you can know what is best in your particular circumstances. You may wish to decline some holiday invitations or perhaps stay at an event for a briefer than normal period. Because of your grief, your energy level is likely to be lower than normal. Pace yourself accordingly, and take advantage of opportunities for a little extra rest.
Avoid staying overly busy. Give yourself some space. Grief expert Alan Wolfelt recommends that you spend special holidays with supportive, comforting people: "Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings—both happy and sad." Dr. Wolfelt also suggests that you speak candidly and use the name of the person who died in your holiday conversation.
Acknowledge your grief. If the reminder jolts you, sit down, take a few deep breaths, and acknowledge your grief. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away. Allow your feelings to be whatever they are, and remember that it's good to reach out and share your thoughts and emotions with those who understand. Don't be surprised if your sadness alternates with times of laughter and happy memories. This too is normal and healthy. Remember that what you are experiencing is normal. It's part of the sometimes painfully slow healing process. Take heart, as the years go by, most bereaved individuals report that their memories become predominately warm, pleasant, loving ones.
Do something in honor of the person who died. This could take the form of a special gift given in their honor, or a tradition that would have hold special meaning for the two of you. For example, besides the fun of singing old songs off key with close friends, Christmas caroling always reminds me of Ned Carter and his family. Ned was a childhood friend who died of Leukemia the year after we graduated from high school. The previous Christmas Ned, a few others and myself decided to sing carols to the conductors of a freight train that stood blocking the road we were traveling. That same group serenaded Ned the next year as he spent his last Christmas on earth longing for relief from his illness. Although it is almost 30 years since his death, whenever I go caroling my thoughts are on Ned and my prayers are for his family. Such is an anniversary of the heart – often the holiest of holidays – experienced apart and in silence within the embrace of both joy and sorrow.
Rich Batten is the father of four, a certified family life educator and the family and consumer science agent for the Colorado State University Cooperative Extension Office in Douglas County Colorado.