I’m conflicted . . . I want my kids to know everything about sexuality and nothing about sexuality.Because of this, I know I send mixed messages about one of the most important topics there is for us to discuss. I hope I don’t portray a, hear no sex, see no sex, speak no sex mentality, but I must confess I am tempted to quickly back off from the topic when I sense their discomfort (probably a result of my discomfort!). Let’s establish the fact up front — most parents are uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex. Now that we have confessed our uneasiness, we need to boldly go where few parents dare tread.

Many parents are waiting too long and not talking enough when it comes to what their kids need to know. According to a survey conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now (part of a national initiative called Talking With Kids About Tough Issues) 39% of the kids between 8 – 11 year olds whose parents said that they have spoken to their child about the basics of reproduction indicated that they did not recall the conversation (29% of kids 12 – 15 did not recall the conversation).

Contrary to popular opinion many children want guidance about sexuality from their parents. What they shy away from is  “the talk.” They don’t want a lecture, and they often are as embarrassed as you are about the conversation, but conversations (note the plural) are needed.

Each year the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy commissions an independent survey of adults and teens nationwide. Many of these questions focus on parents and their role in preventing teen pregnancy. You may find a sampling of their results interesting:

Who teens say most influences their decisions about sex: Parents

Who adults believe most influence teens' decisions about sex: Teens' friends

Percentage of teens who say it would be easier for them to postpone sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations with their parents: 87%

Percentage of teens who say they haven't had a single such conversation with their parents: 37%

Percentage of parents of teens who believe they should talk to their kids about sex but often don't know what to say, how to say it, or when to start: 90%

So let the talks begin! There are a number of great resources available to help you. I encourage you to check your local library or bookstore for some that reinforce your family’s values.

Probably the best thing you can do however is practice. The evaluations I collect in the parenting classes I teach on talking to your kids about sexuality, indicate that the most beneficial part of the class is practice. Parents are glad that they devoted concentrated time to gather their thoughts on the subject, and that they actually had the opportunity to practice conversations about sexuality with other parents – dads found it much easier to say masturbation in a conversation with their son after having practiced the conversation with another dad who is as uncomfortable as they are. Consequentially, they were better prepared not only for “the initial talk,” but also for opportunities and questions that arise during the regular comings and goings of life. It may sound foolish, but one of the best things you can do is practice with your spouse or a close friend (talking about sexuality that is!).

My next series of classes on this topic will take place Thursday evenings, January 12, 19 and 26. For more information visit www.douglascountyextension.org and click on Upcoming Parenting Classes.

Rich Batten is the father of four, and the family and consumer science agent for the Colorado State University Cooperative Extension Office in Douglas County Colorado.