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Blog Entry 39 of 142 The Meaning of Life, or at Least the Last 24 Hours
First, a few things about me. I am deceptively handsome for someone who is significantly overweight. Don't get me wrong. I'm not washes-himself-with-a-rag-on-a-stick fat or bury-him-in-a-piano fat, but I could stand to lose 60 or 80. Second, almost none of what I say can be taken seriously. I love to write, and as a previously self-admitted fatty, I am a king of self-deprecating humor. I look for the humor in everyday life, and this is the meaty chunks of which I will write (note: overweight people often use food as adjectives and metaphors). Third, I am notoriously unreliable, so don't expect an update every day. I am a retail manager, which means I work like a dog. Seriously, retail is great for loners and orphans. Just ask my wife. In fact, when a guy shoots up a fast food restaurant and they interview the people that knew him and they always say "He was kind of a loner, he kept to himself." This guy generally works retail. Fourth, do not expect political correctness from this blog. It is my point of view, that on the pallette of life most of us are not even primary colors. Hell, most of us are that dried slop that collects on the brush when you forget to wash it. No one's better than anyone else on my blog. Well maybe we're better than the hippies; can't stand them. Oh, and soccer moms too. I don't really care about your honor student. Oh yeah, also the people that don't watch their kids. Put a leash on Skippy, or I'll whack him with a Ritalin stick.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~BillsBunchoBSblog

Et Tu, Poo-Tay?

Contributed by: William Boucher   on 8/7/2006

It is a truly torturous twist of fate that, at many times, our worst gastrointestinal distress comes when we are traveling. Whether due to altitude change (my theory), the affect of "travel food", or the differences in water quality from one municipality to the other, I find its occurrence is frequent enough to warrant naming this phenomenon: "Road Rump."

You will know "Road Rump" is setting in when you cannot finish one Sodoku puzzle between visits to the ol' water closet. Fortunately for me, it usually sets in after we have reached our destination. I hate stopping when I drive. If I could refuel in transit like bombers do and had some kind of elaborate funnel and tubing system for nature's call, I would never stop. This of course would have to be preceded by the perfection of suspended animation, as I'm sure the funnel thing is going to be a hard sell with Judy.

Some people are also known to suffer from "Road Block". This resides at the opposite end of the spectrum from "Road Rump" and is a close cousin to "Government Cheese Clutch." When it comes to the great "To poo or not to poo" debate of "Road Rump" versus "Road Block," I'd prefer not to. Why? Two words. Public restrooms.

Many public restrooms display housekeeping that would put a dung beetle of his lunch. Other than the housekeeping, there is also the issue of 50 grit toilet paper. Whether in a public restroom or in a hotel room, the paper is generally so rough that a navy ship could use it in the head and also for scraping barnacles from the hull. And what's with mounting the dispenser by my shins? You have to participate in public-pooper-pilates to get a decent handful off of the roll.

First, you bend at the waist and pull down with your arm straight (like the backswing of a bowling stroke) and away from the highly secure, theft-proof housing. I'm sorry to spoil your delusions, boys, but at my house, I use the stuff with the clouds quilted in it. It's made by little old ladies who know what toilet paper is supposed to feel like. Even so, I'm sure no one is going to filch my "personal, posterior, hygiene solution." Stealing your paper would be like breaking in to prison. It's probably possible, but who, in their right mind, would do it?

Next you hope to get a decent handful because the 50 grit has the absorbency of, let's say, water. However, the texture is more that of a file. When the paperwork is finally finished, you pray to the deity of your choice that the fickle, public-commode god accepts your "offering." If not, wash quickly (if you can; you haven't had that much poo on your hands since you were two.), bail, and try to look innocent.

However, with all things both fine and foul, this too, will pass (get it? Pass! I slay me.) Remember, the journey of a thousand miles starts with but a single step. Just to be safe, though, make sure you pack the moist towelettes.



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Showing 1-9 of 9 comments
Submitted By: Stephanie Blake
posted on 8/15/2006 @ 8:43:11 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Oh my god you are hilarious. You need to take this show on the road!
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Submitted By: Delete Me
posted on 8/14/2006 @ 10:53:43 PM
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Keep a box of lotioned kleenex in your car. Soft and fresh in an emergency. They also catch fire really well.
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Submitted By: William Boucher
posted on 8/12/2006 @ 10:10:49 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Rob, if you weren't my brother, I'd hug you. You complete me. - James - It's kind of like pixie dust . You put it on, think happy thoughts, and it'll do almost anything you want it to. Wait, that's KY. (For those of you who are lost, read James's blog titled "Sorry" and read the comments).
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Submitted By: James Syring
posted on 8/10/2006 @ 10:37:45 PM
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Hey Bill, I'd like to order that big brain blog balm when you have time. does it also grow hair?? Jim
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Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 8/9/2006 @ 10:03:58 AM
Rated Blog Entry
"Stealing your paper would be like breaking in to prison." Sometimes I am in a hurry driving out to the mountains to go backpacking because I'd rather drop one in a hole in the ground than in most public restrooms.
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Submitted By: Rob Guthrie
posted on 8/8/2006 @ 5:35:59 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I am waiting for the video: Public Pooper Pilates. Tagline: "One way or another, you are going to lose some weight."
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Submitted By: Tabitha Dial
posted on 8/8/2006 @ 4:29:14 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Maybe this site can help you with some new ideas about what to do for relief while on the road: http://www.safetycentral.com/sanitation1.html
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Submitted By: Karin Malchow
posted on 8/8/2006 @ 11:53:54 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Earlier, I considered writing about my own Road Block, but thought, "No, only Bill could make this funny."
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Submitted By: Joe McDaniel
posted on 8/8/2006 @ 10:33:18 AM
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Funny how everything usually comes out okay in the end.
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Showing 1-9 of 9 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

William Boucher

Brighton , CO

William Boucher has posted 142 blog entries and 1639 comments since joining on 11/6/2005. William Boucher 's average blog rating is 4.96.
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