According to the latest from Russia, a mine in the Kamchatka Penisula is now being held hostage by a group of thiry or so bears. Approximately 100 scientists, miners and geologists are being held with three others having already been slain.

According to Russian Officials the Kamchatka is home to some 1200 bears, who fought the government's decision to allow the mining. Unfortunately, the bears were not able to send delegates to the Russian Parliment as the trip was unbearable and with no representation, the Parliment allowed the perimts.

The disruption to the Penisula has destroyed the homes of several bears, prompting the rise of a rather large growth on the backside of Russia known as The BUTT, Bears United To Terrorize.

In a formal address to the U.S. Senate, President Bush has now labeled the bears as part of the Axis of Evil. In his latest address this afternoon, he said he will not rest until the U.S. hunts down the ring leader, Osama Bear Laden, and brings him to justice.

Russian President Prime Minister Czar Putin, has said the President is just deploying troops via his Cowboy Diplomacy and says that Russia does not want outside help and they will simply "Nuke the bears out of the mine, scientists or no scientists."

Unfortunately, according to the Executive Branch the bears are responsible for smuggling Russian Nuclear plans out of the country through the Kamchatka Penisula to foreign intelligence buyers from North Korea and Iran. Evidently the holding of the scientists and geoligists at the mine, has to do with the mine finding Uranium in large quantities and the bears are attempting to move the Uranium out of the mine and into the black market.

President Bush has said we must fight the bears over there so we don't have to fight them at home. President Bush is now asking congress to fund more money for a troop deployment to fight the bears as not only are they a threat to world safety but are also the reason for the Bear Market on Wall Street and because of the fear of bears in the U.S.people are fleeing their homes which is contributing to the foreclosure problem.

A sad foot note to the story, because of the increased profiling of domestic Bears at airports, Smokey the Bear was detained while trying to board a flight in Chicago's O'Hare Airport to California to help fight wild fires, and is now being sent to Gitmo as an enemy combatant. The CIA says it was a cover story and his real intention was to receive smuggled uranium and produce a dirty bomb in Oakland. Smokey's lawyers could not bear to comment on the situation.