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All Quiet on the Backyard Front
Contributed by: Jared Keller on 5/22/2006

We're at war, nature and I.

Oh, sure...all of those trees and animals look sweet and innocent.

Until they start their scheming, that is.

Since purchasing my house in 2004, I've seen it bored by woodpeckers, smashed by falling cottonwood limbs, and beset by radon.

The time has come to stand up for my home, and as such, I'm issuing a declaration of war; war against nature.

Oh sure, you say..."this kook can't possibly be serious". After all, nature has both money and celebrities on its side. How can I proceed with my campaign in the face of such terrifying odds? In addition, I risk angering many creatures (bearing large talons, pointy bicuspids, or swelling venom sacs) who might well decide to simply "pay me a visit", and "discuss" this matter with me in person. Should you awake to a newspaper headline like this in the next few weeks: YourHub columnist simultaneously mauled by Great White Shark, Kodiak, approximately 37 dwarf hamsters, and former Cheers star Woody Harrelson - on his doorstep! - you'll know what happened.

I've fired the first round in my massive counterbattery, though, so there can be little doubt in nature's mind that I mean business.

I recently caused quite the stir in my little neighborhood when I had the majestic old cottonwood tree in my backyard - a 100+ foot-tall behemoth of a giant weed - cut down. Yep. Gone. Sure, it was diseased, and dying anyway, but I took it before it could further deplete my already meager bank account by once more punching holes in my roof upon the first sign of snow. Take that, you limb-dropping, roof busting fiend! Round 2 goes to me!

Next up? The woodpeckers. Here, things get tricky. See, these foul beasts have pecked the daylights out of my innocent siding (it's just siding, for crying out loud. It just sits there!), and left it looking rather like the Vice President has just expressed his Second Amendment rights in my backyard.

These nasty little birds, as it turns out, are a Federally-protected migratory species, meaning that, should I arrange for, y'know...something tragic to happen involving, say, a BB gun, I could get into some deep kimchee. As such, they sit, flipping me the proverbial "bird", and further laying waste to that which I've pledged the next 30 years of my income to pay off.

So, I'll have to devise some sort of localized, unconventional warfare-type of strategy for them. Oh, and the cat's no help...I'm pretty sure he's a double agent. Lousy traitor.

With all of the tsunamis, hurricanes, alligator attacks, and random Freddie Prinze, Jr. sitcoms to which we've been subjected of late, I firmly believe there to be a whole host of people ready to join me in my crusade against nature.

Sure, cottonwoods and woodpeckers are natural, but so's Bubonic Plague, and I don't see anybody parading around on its behalf. Nature's gotten a free ride long enough. Time to fight back.

The continued health and prosperity of your siding may depend on it, so join me in rasing a clenched fist, and shaking it toward the sky, the Rocky Mountains, a local blue spruce, or any other such representation of the natural world that you can think of. Sure...some folks might call you crazy, but hey. Well, OK, in all fairness, that would look pretty crazy, but still...

Why my siding, for crying out loud?


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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 5/23/2006 @ 1:49:09 PM
Rated Story
Jared, I did a quick Google search and found a Web site called www.birdbusters.com that has about 100 products for, well, you know, busting birds. Believe it or not, they actually have something called "woodpecker repellent spray" and all sorts of other weapons, from bird spikes to an $1,800 Bird Wailer MkIIIa, which uses distress sounds to keep birds away from your property. That might be overkill, though. Anyway, you should check out the site, for entertainment if nothing else.
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Submitted By: Jared Keller
posted on 5/23/2006 @ 9:20:33 AM
(Not Rated)
Brad, I've no idea what you're talking about in reference to "not allowing people to send me messages". My email address has been posted quite clearly in any numbe of places at YourHub (including the body of several posts). Have I called you despicable, or stupid, or any number of things that you've said about conservatives? Nope. THOSE would be personal attacks. What I HAVE said is that you're doing many of the very things that you accuse the GOP of doing, and your arguments haven't been especially well-crafted. If I've made you feel personally attacked, I certainly apologize. You might consider your own rather inflammatory rhetoric when casting accusations of personal attacks about, however.
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Submitted By: Brad Bettag
posted on 5/22/2006 @ 11:21:45 PM
Rated Story
Alright since you don't even allow people to send you messages I am going to put this here. How about you stop with the personal attacks on my writing and post something relevant to the issue at hand? If gays were a race, which they aren't they are a group, then racism would be easily more identifiable. My stances on the issues are not "settled as fact, self-evident, and in no need of defense and/or elaboration" I am waiting for other intelligent people to come and post an intelligent response to post their side, that is how debate works. To simply go and bash anothers writing is childish, so stop acting like your two year old and maybe talk about the issue for once. I still have yet to hear your side of the issue, so please post some thing constructive for once?
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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 455 stories and 62 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average story rating is 4.85.
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