What ever happened to
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?
I actually have a Vegas story that has far more to do with my trip to and from Vegas than it does in Vegas itself, although I must say that my first trip to Vegas was also interesting. The year was, oh, about 1995 or so. My best friend and I wanted to see Barbara Mandrell in concert over at Bally's. Back in the day, I was not flush with cash, and we decided it would be more cost-effective to drive to Vegas rather than fly.
Like most people who have never been to Sin City before, I was completely dumbfounded by the huge casinos, the themes associated with those casinos, and everything that you could do in Vegas. The only thing I knew about Vegas was that you could gamble on just about anything. I had never gambled before, so I considered that my wisest move would be to have plenty of quarters, dimes and nickels to play the slot machines.
I was warned by my friend that I should keep a tight grip on my wallet, as it was very easy to be a pickpocket victim in Vegas. I had a fanny pack that I used for skiing, and decided that this would be a great means to keep on top of my belongings.
After we checked into the Stardust Hotel, I was ready to gamble. I met my friend downstairs and she couldn't help but point out how silly I looked with a fanny pack strapped to my waist. My response to her was, "I'm big. I'm bad. I'm a man with a purse!" She burst out in a fit of laughter, and has never let me live that comment down since.
A second warning came from my friend. She said that I should never, ever take anything that someone on the street was passing out to people. She never explained why. Silly me, it didn't take five minutes for me to gleefully accept the first flyer that someone handed me. My eyes grew huge as saucers when I looked at what I was holding in my hand. In the back of my mind, I knew that prostitution was legal in Nevada. I never considered that there would be printed solicitations freely handed out to people. I dropped the flyer and my friend and I held hands pretending we were a couple for the duration of the trip.
The strangest experience, however, arose from the trip from Vegas back to Denver. We left late at night, figuring that we'd beat most of the summer heat as well as any traffic. As we were rambling down the interstate, I had a sudden urge from my bladder. As we continued driving, it got stronger and stronger. And, if you've ever taken a road trip through rural Nevada, you know that towns and rest stops are few and far between.
We did manage to find a rest stop, and I pulled the car over. I was literally racing for the bathroom. To my dismay, the door to the men's room was locked. It was about 2:00am, and I quickly considered my two options - drive to the next exit, which was over 30 miles away, or find myself a bush. As luck would have it, there was a group of bushes nearby. And, without getting graphic, I made excellent use of one of those bushes.
As I was strolling back to the car, with a huge sense of relief and probably a smile on my face, I noticed the blue and red lights flashing on a patrol car parked directly behind my vehicle. As I arrived at the car, my friend was outside talking to the officer, and he immediately hauled me aside. The conversation that passed would be hilarious if it were taken from some Hal Needham film.
HIM: "Son, what the hell do you think you are doing?"
ME: "Huh? What are you talking about?"
HIM: "In this state we have laws. Do you know that you just committed a sex crime?"
ME: "What on earth are you talking about?"
HIM: "You just exposed yourself, boy. I saw you when you peed in those bushes over there."
ME: "The door to the men's room was locked and I didn't have a choice."
HIM: "Of course you had a choice. If you would have taken this side road five miles in the other direction, you would have found a town there and I'm sure you could have found a place to pee."
Meanwhile, the lecture continued for close to twenty minutes, with him explaining how the Mormon judge (his words) would not look kindly on my committing a sex crime in his state, and what a great favor the patrolman was doing for me by only issuing a verbal warning. I, on the other hand, spent the entire lecture wondering if he had locked the door to the men's room himself and waiting for some sucker like me desperate to find a bathroom.
The good news is that I wasn't worried about falling asleep at the wheel for the rest of the trip home.