I was surfing my MSN homepage today, and read Style Editor Shannon McCarthy's Fall Fashion Trends 2006. She covers five trends, all good looking and reasonable.

They are: Deep Hues (Made in the Shade), Skinny Pants (Of Slender Means), Menswear-inspired Prints (Guy as You Might), Layers (Multiple Personality) and Shoes (Walking Points).

Here are my own top five, with apologies to Ms. McCarthy and a gracious nod to good ol' common sense:

Shades of Red: I'm pretty careful about doing our laundry. I separate the loads, keeping all the mediums, whites and darks separated by whatever means I canto create divisional chasms between the piles that will withstand the ravages of a Labrador's "I-love-the-way-my-family-smells" cuddle time.

Usually, the wash comes out just fine.Every once in awhile I pull things out of the dryer that weren't supposed to go into that particular wash load. I find that fall's fashion-forward look is to wear all of those pink items hiding in the back of our closets. They used to be white but oh-so-willingly took on a sordid relationship with that lone red sock that jumped ship and joined the white load.

How can something so small ruin an entire week's worth of white? Yessiree, draw a little polo pony on the left side above the pocket and no one will be the wiser! You'll be the trendsetter of your workplace. Ralph Lauren does use a lot of pink; it's the new brown, you know.

Skinny Pants, Schminny Pants: You've got to be kidding me. Any woman worth her salt who has given birth at least once knows darned good and well that when shopping for new pants this fall, she must simply step away from the 'skinny' rack. This is an evil marketing ploy aimed to humiliate those of us who have figured out how to revel in the glories of the expandable waistband, stretch denim, and the graceful, flowing drama of the full-leg trouser.

Ladies, we've earned that cellulite! We've packed those saddlebags for a reason! Toiling day in, day out taking care of ourselves and countless others, and we're supposed to look like Audrey Hepburn at the same time? Forget that, sister! I say palazzo pants all the way! Fashion frenzied onlookers will covet the mysteries you conceal.

Menswear? Annie Hall Never Died: Frankly, we've been wearing fabrics once reserved for men since the 1940s at least. I remember menswear's first revival, a thankful departure from the Visa gabardine polyester/Antron nylon pantsuit of the 60s and 70s. The 1980s were a simpler time.

Women were walking Nagel drawings, and the fashion was all pointy and angular, much like the new Denver Art Museum. The harsh look of women's suiting reflected our seen-by-men-as-an-aggressive-coup feminine assumption of power in the workplace with jackets hiding shoulder pads roughly the size of small hams.

Aside from making our delicate frames look like Joe Namath's, the clothes really didn't do much to disguise that hopelessly large, permed hairdo. I haven't been to Texas recently, but I suspect the look lives somewhere on the planet. I'm all for menswear. I'm telling you, you haven't lived as a woman of 6'2" until you've had men accidentally call you 'sir'.

My goal in fashion is often simply not to look like a guy in drag. Apparently, I miss the mark sometimes.

Layers? Duh!: I call this dressing appropriately for the weather. The concept of layers is new and different to the youth of today because they are largely either a) living with a metabolism that runs like a Ferrari on I-25 north of Fort Collins, or b) just dumb enough to wear shorts and a t-shirt in the snow. OK, both are true. Layers were the hot fashion trend in the 60s and 70s.

Vests of all lengths, fabrics and weights evolved into the ever popular down vest of the 80s. Somewhere along the line came the children's character Rainbow Brite, and the New York fashion mavens were hopelessly smitten. Just about every 20-something girl wears Brite's signature look of a striped long sleeved t-shirt under a solid short-sleeved t-shirt today. Throw a denim blazer over that and she's right out of Vogue.

Add leggings and a short skirt and bam, right off the Paris runway, and a dead ringer for Rainbow Brite.Where the unfortunate look of the 'shrunken' vest or sweater came in, I have no clue. My idea of layers is much simpler. Fall weather in Colorado can be unpredictable. Waiting for the train in 39-degree morning chill turns into an 80-degree afternoon regularly. My theory on layers follows the level headed advice we've given our sons, "If it rains, wear a raincoat."

Shoes: Yes, I'm all for shoes! I've owned - and worn - everything from Tevas to Nikes, from boots a laGene Simmonsto flats a la Ms. Hepburn. I love them all, but reserve one passionate exemption: Crocs. Walk away from the kiosk. They are ugly. They are the evil reincarnation of Earth Shoes, and I don't care how comfortable you think they are, just put them in the garbage right now. I heard a rumor about Crocs that if one is wearing them while stranded in the wild, one may boil them and consume for optimal nutrition. I wonder what 9News' Dr. James Rouse would have to say about that load of nonsense?

My solution to the 2006 Fall Fashion Faux Pas: Garanimals for adults. This is the only way out of falling victim to confusing 'Casual Friday' with 'Wear What I Wear to Work in the Yard Day' at the office. Thousands of gainfully employed, intelligent adults are running amok at work looking as if they've come in from raking leaves or visiting the zoo. Garanimals are more than just a thought-free process of creating an outfit that coordinates. They are the wave of the future.

We aging baby boomers have too much on our minds as it is; how can we be expected to tax our brains with the additional burden of looking stylish? Imagine a closet that revealed not a confusing mass of textiles, but a catalog of easily accessed appropriate clothing. Denver would soon be voted one of the top ten stylish American cities, and I could retire with untold wealth and prosperity, right next to Versace himself.