Now, I'm no expert in Global weather patterns, nor do I play one on TV, but I've been shoveling something that sure seems like snow for two weeks now with no end in sight. My back tells me this "Global Warming" is a crock. We've had something like six feet of snow in less than three weeks and I've had it. I'd head south in a heartbeat, if I could just get out of my driveway. I don't know why some folks are calling for more snowplows, I'd be happy to see just one. My neighborhood streets are now four-wheel drive trails. I enjoy 4-wheeling as much as the next guy, but I prefer to do it in the summer, on my way to a campsite, not on my way to work. The next person who says, "At least it was a White Christmas," is going to get smacked.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this situation, so I have submitted a few observations I have made to help you all through the rest of this "Global Warming" trend:

· I don't want a snow-blower; I just want a neighbor with one. If I owned one, I'd be out all day helping the neighbors instead of drinking beer while having it done.

· It takes a lot of liquor to survive this "Global Warming" deal. Luckily we had a few days break between storms to hit the liquor and grocery stores for necessities (notice liquor came first).

· I love my wife and she loves me. Otherwise, two humans cooped up for this amount of time would have already killed each other.

· The cat is scared to death of the snow. So is our teenager it turns out. When the snow is falling at an inch-per-hour, the average teenager will lose ground when shoveling. Of course I'm using the term "shoveling" very loosely. It actually goes something like this: two scoops of snow, then stop and state, "This sucks." Two more scoops, then, "I'm bored," followed by one scoop for every, "this sucks," thereafter.

· My schedule gets all out of whack when snowed-in. My day consists of: wake up, eat, then shovel, followed by eat, nap and then shovel again. Then after a short nap and a snack, the drinking begins. After a few days of this, the drinking starts a lot earlier.

· If you have friends from the warmer climes, they love to call and gloat after seeing us on the national news. My friends in Florida always call and ask when I will be fed up enough to move south. They don't realize I'm fed up now. I just can't get out of my driveway.

· Besides having a neighbor with a snow-blower, it helps if they are also drinkers. This will not only supply you with someone besides the wife to talk with (I still love you Honey) but hopefully their liquor stash will outlast yours.

· Satellite or cable TV is a must. Actually I have discovered cable would be best, since I, of course, have a satellite dish. During the first storm I just left a ladder against the back of the house so I could climb it to scrap the snow off the dish. This worked out fine until the third storm hit. I can't find the %&$#% ladder; it's now buried under all the "Global Warming".

· A four-wheel drive vehicle is nice; I have one. An ATV would be nice; I may get one. A snow-mobile would be nice; I might get one too. A snow-plow would really be nice, but I wouldn't know; I've never seen one.

· It helps to have a fireplace in your home. It will not only warm the house, it gives you something to stare at besides the TV. It also provides a means to dispose of the bodies of the ones getting on your nerves (YES, FOR THE &$@#^% HUNDREDTH TIME, I still love you HONEY).

I hope these observations will help you cope with the next incidence of "Global

Warming" that descends upon you. If you have any of your own to add, keep them to yourself; I'm out of here. I'm headed way south where they have no snow, no ice and also, just like up here, no snow-plows.