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Blog Entry 16 of 44 Welcome to The Retroplex
I'm usually in full-blown reminisce mode anyway, so why not make the rest of you poor saps suffer along with me, right?

Here, you'll find no shortage (well...unless I can't think of any new material) of meaningless but ultimately harmless bits of ephemera covering the past 20 or so years of pop culture, and my occasional interactions with it. Whether you're into the iconic or the ironic, sooner or later, I'll probably get around to it.
Watch, as the hilarity ensues! Or, if you prefer, gawk like a shocked passerby witnessing a horrible accident!

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~TheRetroplex

Your guide to the issues
Contributed by: Jared Keller   on 11/6/2006

Tomorrow, scads of us - maybe as many as 30% - will head to the polls, and take part in the great experiment of American democracy (we're actually a representative republic, but who's counting?). This year's "blue book", in which the state breaks down the ballot issues using both sides of each respective argument, is massive, due to the huge number of proposed referenda and amendments listed on the ballot.

As such, it might be helpful to have some sort of a rundown of each of the approximately 403 issues at hand. As such, I, your humble blogger, will present you with one man's take on the statewide ballot, beginning with:

Amendment 38:
This one deals with petitions. Or something. I think it's designed to ensure that petitions can result in actual ballot initiatives, but that they're limited and accurate in their verbiage. Then again, the Amendment is lengthy, and might contain secret provisions for the election of giant, subterranean marsupials as our supreme overlords. Who's to say?

Amendment 39:
This one is specifically designed to hack off the teacher's unions, and result in the creation of roughly three thousand television commercials featuring somebody purported to be "Colorado's Teacher of the Year", who warns us that, should the state's public schools be forced to be, well, accountable for restraining their administrative costs, they might be forced to use your children as tiny generators, toiling away on massive treadmills to power the karaoke machines in the teachers' lounges. You've been warned.

Amendment 40:
Should judges face term limits, like legislators and governors? This one'll let you make that call. The proposed amendment doesn't, however, have any provision to allow defendants to rise to their feet during closing arguments, and scream "You're not the boss of me!!!" at the jury; a miscarriage of justice, to be sure.

Amendment 41:
Supports of this amendment claim that its passage will result in a more well-behaved political leadership in Colorado, by virtue of the imposition of restrictions on modes of speech, etc. Meaningless, feel-good amendments to the Constitution designed to squelch unpopular or harsh political speech? Why not? I can't see where such a thing could possibly have a downside.

Amendment 42:
This one asks Colorado voters to increase the state's minimum wage. After all, employers are happy to dig around for the extra dough, right? They'd never pass the increased costs along to you, the consumer.

Amendment 43:
Admit it. You skipped right down to this one, didn't you? I'm playing it straight (ba-dum, psssh!), here. Should marriage be defined as including only one man and one woman? Have your say with this one.

Amendment 44:
Highlights:
- Would name Ben Harper's Burn One Down the Official State Song of Colorado.

- Like, over 78% of marajuana users...um...uh...
...
...
...
and the government doesn't want you to know that, man!

- You can make a rope!

Referendum E:
Support the troops? Put your vote where your mouth is with a "yes" vote on this one, which would create a property tax reduction for disabled vets.

Referendum F:
This one's about the establishment of recall deadlines for state officals. Or the establishment of an Emperor Penguin hunting season concurrent with Elk season. It's all in the fine print.

Referendum G:
As usual, we're asked to decide whether or not the state should remove obsolete provisions from the constitution. Personally, I'd prefer to retain prohibitions on the drilling of holes in the heads of mental patients (so as to let the evil spirits out). Y'know...for historical reference.

Referendum H:
This one is about business tax deductions. You may want to skip reading it in the voting booth, though. Those new-fangled machines can give a pretty nasty cut when you succumb to a fit of narcolepsy and hit the floor.

Referendum I:
This one either sneakily grants de facto marriage status to same-sex couples across the state, or it simply prohibits the tarring and feathering of male flight attendants and interior decorators by crowds of frothing, backward hayseeds. Based on the latest TV ads, it might also make legal the Stretch Armstrongization of Denver Mayor Jake Loopenhicker. I'm so confused.

Referendum J:
This one was initially to be called "Referendum 'we'll spend your money how we like. Trust us - we're professionals!'", but with all the fuss over Referendum I, "Referendum J" just seemed so much more hip and now.

Referendum K:
Want the state of Colorado to sue the Federal Government for its failure to control the border? Here's where you can have your say. Good luck with that.


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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
Submitted By: John Zwick
posted on 11/10/2006 @ 10:13:42 AM
(Not Rated)
Really, though, turning kids into generators is one way to cut costs while not cutting back on PhysEd.
[Report as objectionable]
Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 11/7/2006 @ 1:53:50 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Voting is for suckers!
[Report as objectionable]
Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 11/7/2006 @ 11:52:10 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Now if only you'd go vote for me. Just kidding. I voted last week.
[Report as objectionable]
Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 44 blog entries and 57 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average blog rating is 5.
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