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Blog Entry 15 of 44 Welcome to The Retroplex
I'm usually in full-blown reminisce mode anyway, so why not make the rest of you poor saps suffer along with me, right?

Here, you'll find no shortage (well...unless I can't think of any new material) of meaningless but ultimately harmless bits of ephemera covering the past 20 or so years of pop culture, and my occasional interactions with it. Whether you're into the iconic or the ironic, sooner or later, I'll probably get around to it.
Watch, as the hilarity ensues! Or, if you prefer, gawk like a shocked passerby witnessing a horrible accident!

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~TheRetroplex

World exclusive: Interview with Kim Jong-Il

Contributed by: Jared Keller   on 10/10/2006

In a stunning turn of events, your humble YourHub blogger has been invited by the Democratic People's Republic of Korea - better known as North Korea - to sit down for an intimate discussion with that nation's reclusive, mysterious leader, President Kim Jong-Il.

The Dear Leader - son of Kim Il-Sung, known as Great Leader - ascended to his late father's office upon Kim Il-Sung's death in 1994. According to North Korean sources, Kim Jong-Il's birth was prophesied by a swallow, and heralded by both a double rainbow over Mount Paektu (his birthplace), and a new star in the sky. In addition, he is reputed to have been so smart that he taught his teachers as an elementary school student, directed the greatest film of all time, wrote six operas in two years, and dominated the world of North Korean sports, among other accomplishments.

Oh, and he has his own IMDB page.

Without further ado, I now present to you, my readers, an interview with Kim Jong-Il:

Retroplex: Thank you for joining me, Mr. President. Very gracious of you.

Kim Jong-Il: My pleasure. Not often that I get to talk to obscure bloggers in Denver. What a treat for me. Yahoo. Remind me to have Press Secretary disembowled tomorrow, eh?

Retroplex:...

Kim Jong-Il: Oh, lighten up, Poindexter. I only kidding. What, crazy-guy dictators can't make joke or two? Please, ask away, capitalist pig-dog.

Retroplex: Well, Mr. President, while I have the opportunity, I'd like to ask you a few questions about your recent nuclear tests.

Kim Jong-Il: Of course. What would you like to know?

Retroplex: Wow. Really? You'll answer?

Kim Jong-Il: Sure. What do I have to hide? It's not like North Korea's secretive, or something.

Retroplex: Certainly not. OK, well, let me get to the heart of the matter a bit. What, exactly, are your intentions? After all, you've been aggressive in your threats, and Japan's new Prime Minister - Shinzo Abe - isn't likely too comfortable right now, given your recent actions. Can you assure the world that you mean no harm?

Kim Jong-Il: Our nuclear program is purely civilian in nature. We intend to create energy independence from China by harnessing the thermal power given off by the immolation of Seoul and Tokyo via our unstoppable barrage of hot nuclear death.

Retroplex:...

Kim Jong-Il: Again, I kid! Sheesh! You Americans so sensitive. No, seriously, we have missiles. Lots of 'em. We mean no harm, however.

Retroplex: Wait. You have "lots of missiles"? We've been told that you have only a few nuclear weapons, and none of them are deliverable by ballistic missile as yet. This isn't true?

Kim Jong-Il: Goodness, no. We have zillions. The're invisible, though.

Retroplex: Invisible?

Kim Jong-Il: Yes. Super Invisible Death Missiles. Don't bother looking for them with your fancy satellites, buster. You never find them. We have them targeted all over the place, too.

Retroplex: If you mean no harm, why bother building...uh, zillions of missiles and aiming them at specific targets?

Kim Jong-Il: Self defense. See, Kim Jong-Il a big Kazaa fan. The RIAA not so quick to come after guy with nukes, eh? This way, I get my Justin Timberlake, they not get nuked - it's a win-win. Hey, what Justin ever see in Brittney, anyway?

Retroplex: Truly one of the great mysteries of life, Mr. President. So, should BMG come after you, it's bye-bye BMG, right? Who else do you have targeted, if you don't mind my asking?

Kim Jong-Il: Well, that information is supposed to be big secret, but what the hey! Lessee here...first up for nuking are Trey Parker and Matt Stone...

Retroplex: Ah, the whole "Ronery"-thing, huh? Cut you pretty deep, didn't it?

Kim Jong-Il: You got it. I'm a very sensitive, tender guy; a very sensitive and tender guy who will bathe himself in the blood of any who dare question me, or the validity of my many, many accomplishments! They pay now! Seven or eight warheads just for them. And then, there's Japan. I find many giant moth holes in my jumpsuits lately, and we all know that giant moths come from Japan. I won't even get into my Ghidora troubles...

Retroplex: Well, to be accurate, those things come from Monster Island...

Kim Jong-Il: By way of Toho Studios, fool! Simpleton! Anyway...I'm also gonna nuke Madeline Albright. She promise me she give me three year subscription to Sports Illustrated if I don't build nukes. After one year? Nada. Take that, Albright! No one scam Kim Jong-Il! Agreed Framework my eye!

Retroplex: Wow. Quite a list so far. Anybody else?

Kim Jong-Il: Well, locally here, I think I take out Kirk Montgomery, from your 9News. Just because. Oh, and also, Nice, France is toast. They know why. Same thing with Des Moines.

Retroplex: Wow. Enlightening, to say the least. Is there anything else we average Westerners should do to learn more about your nation, and your intentions?

Kim Jong-Il: Sure. I recommend essays written by my homeboy Kim Myong-Chol. This guy needs Pulitzer. Oh, and if he doesn't get one, POW! Heh-heh. Kidding, again. Anyway, these my faves: US Will End Up In Shotgun Marriage With DPRK, and N. Korea Makes Public Threat to Blow Up US Mainland. Good bedtime reading, that one.

Retroplex: Ah, yes. I have the first essay right here. May I read a section?

Kim Jong-Il: Knock yourself out.

Retroplex: Here we go: " Most Americans deny that they are in love with the North Korean regime of Kim Jong Il. However, sooner or later Uncle Sam will find himself left with no other option than to accept a shot-gun marriage with the North Korean girl and eventually desert his long-standing South Korean mistress. Once married, the American man will be totally fascinated by the feudalisticly loyal, sexy North Korean wife. No additional extramarital relationships will be tolerated." Huh. Wow.

Kim Jong-Il: Makes you want to cry, doesn't it? So beautiful.

Retroplex: Indeed. Thanks for your time.

Kim Jong-Il: No problem. My pleasure. Just remember - duck and cover, pig-dogs! Ha-ha!! I kid again!


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Showing 1-4 of 4 comments
Submitted By: Travis Henry
posted on 10/24/2006 @ 12:46:06 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Blasphemy, Brendan. I wish he had a YourHub.com blog.
[Report as objectionable]
Submitted By: Rob Guthrie
posted on 10/16/2006 @ 2:41:03 PM
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Sweet. Five big stars from this pig-dog.
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Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 10/13/2006 @ 2:23:20 PM
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I really wish Kim Jong-Il had a myspace page.
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Submitted By: William Boucher
posted on 10/10/2006 @ 9:57:15 PM
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Very cool.
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Showing 1-4 of 4 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 44 blog entries and 57 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average blog rating is 5.
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