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Blog Entry 6 of 44 Welcome to The Retroplex
I'm usually in full-blown reminisce mode anyway, so why not make the rest of you poor saps suffer along with me, right?

Here, you'll find no shortage (well...unless I can't think of any new material) of meaningless but ultimately harmless bits of ephemera covering the past 20 or so years of pop culture, and my occasional interactions with it. Whether you're into the iconic or the ironic, sooner or later, I'll probably get around to it.
Watch, as the hilarity ensues! Or, if you prefer, gawk like a shocked passerby witnessing a horrible accident!

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~TheRetroplex

The compassion of Chuck Norris

Contributed by: Jared Keller   on 7/12/2006

It has occurred to me only recently - likely thanks to Brendan's prodding. It's a nagging memory that I'd long repressed...a splinter in the mind that festers, and serves to remind me of just how close to death I came on a summer day in 1992, while on a mission to see the Bruce Lee biopic Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story at the Greenwood Plaza Theater.

It was there that I cheated death, along with three high school classmates - Todd Johnson, Karl Tenbrink, and Rob Rosales. Together, we enjoyed the riveting tale of Bruce Lee's life, and tragic death, and emerged from the darkened theater into a lobby teeming with members of the press, blaring music, and approximately 17,000 gi-clad kids from Stephen Oliver's Mile-High Karate.

They were there, as we'd soon discover, as part of a promotional effort for Chuck Norris' newest release, Sidekicks - a film wherein Chuck plays mentor to picked-on teen Jonathan Brandis, and teaches him to dispense truth, justice, and righteous snot-knocking from his fists and feet. Oh, and any similarity to The Karate Kid is purely coincidental.

At this point in time, I was accutely unaware of his pure lethality, as illustrated by the helpful public service site , Chuck Norris Facts. Had this site been invented (curse your tardiness, Al Gore!) at the time, I might have learned some things that could have prevented my near-annihilation at the feet of The Bearded One. For instance, did you know that:

- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

- Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.

- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy - it's a Chucktatorship.

- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter; he roundhouse kicks the cows, and the butter comes right out.

- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill.

- Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

- Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

To make a long story slightly shorter, I nearly brought about the end of my part o' the family bloodline, because I heckled Chuck Norris. Yeah - you read that right. I heckled Chuck Norris. Seriously. And yet, here I am today, to share this little cautionary tale.

How can this be? How could a goofball teen get away with such disrespect? Read on.

As we walked into the lobby to make our way out, I turned to see Chuck standing amidst a bunch of kids, signing autographs.

Struck by his relatively small stature (I'm 6'5"), I shouted out, "Hey Chuck! You're short!"

At this brazen insult, all oxygen was instantly sucked from the room, as each and every shocked witness inhaled involuntarily, waiting to see me blasted into bone-flecked dork jam by Chuck freakin' Norris.

Instead, he looked up with steely eyes, and with a gaze that bespoke calm, compassion, and the potential for wreaking havoc on a truly global scale, allowed me to leave, and to live.

Now, sure...some folks will speculate that he simply didn't hear me. After all, my continued presence within the realm of the living would seem to validate this position, but personally, I have another theory.

In my heart of hearts, I know that he let me live becuase, after all, he's omniscient. He knew that if allowed to live, I'd grow to admire him, and would warn others away from such reckless behavior.

Chuck Norris allowed me to live, and to share his message of hope, mercy, and thunderous roundhouse kicks with the world, and I, for one, will go to my grave grateful for the opportunity.

Granted, I'll probably get there courtesy of a roundhouse kick from the blue, but for now, I'm ambulatory, and ready to tell you of Chuck Norris' tender mercies.

Viva la Chuck, indeed.


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Showing 1-9 of 9 comments
Submitted By: Joel Hunt
posted on 9/25/2006 @ 1:43:21 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I made these up watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" late last night. 1. Chuck Norris is so tough that even Jesus asks, "What would Walker do?" 2. Chuck Norris is so tough, he makes Walker Texas Ranger look like a wimp. 3. Chuck Norris is so tough, he just pulls the trigger and the bullets find the bad guys.
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Submitted By: Delete Me
posted on 7/24/2006 @ 12:19:48 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide where I pimp slapped his arse.
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Submitted By: Joe McDaniel
posted on 7/13/2006 @ 4:20:18 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Chuck Norris probably invented the word "upchuck."
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Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 7/11/2006 @ 3:52:32 AM
Rated Blog Entry
Oh yeah, Michael. Chuck kicked a** in Hamlet. Literally.
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Submitted By: Michael Shepherd
posted on 7/10/2006 @ 4:07:22 PM
(Not Rated)
Chuck Norris is an exceptionally bad actor. If they gave an Oscar or an Emmy for Worst Actor, he'd get it. But other than that, yeah, great round house.
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Submitted By: Karin Malchow
posted on 7/10/2006 @ 3:11:10 PM
Rated Blog Entry
The Chuck Norris facts are priceless.
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Submitted By: Jared Keller
posted on 7/10/2006 @ 2:46:16 PM
(Not Rated)
It's a mystery, John. You'd think this kind of thing would be in demand. Oh, and before I forget - check the Karate Kid NES review. Little somethin'-somethin' for you in the screencaps.
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Submitted By: John Zwick
posted on 7/10/2006 @ 2:45:05 PM
(Not Rated)
Now why can't I get door-to-door missionaries spreading the message of the compassion and charity of Chuck to me? The ones I get right now are nice enough, but I've heard that story. I know it already. The forgiveness of Chuck Norris is something I have yet to learn firsthand. When I think about it though, I guess the movie Dodgeball counts as an early religious text of Norrisism.
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Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 7/10/2006 @ 2:24:23 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Jared, I have thought before that you are a funny and entertaining man, with a gift for some insight. Now I understand that you are insane. But in a cool way, like in the way extreme skiers are insane. Viva la Chuck.
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Showing 1-9 of 9 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 44 blog entries and 57 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average blog rating is 5.
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