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Blog Entry 26 of 44 Welcome to The Retroplex
I'm usually in full-blown reminisce mode anyway, so why not make the rest of you poor saps suffer along with me, right?

Here, you'll find no shortage (well...unless I can't think of any new material) of meaningless but ultimately harmless bits of ephemera covering the past 20 or so years of pop culture, and my occasional interactions with it. Whether you're into the iconic or the ironic, sooner or later, I'll probably get around to it.
Watch, as the hilarity ensues! Or, if you prefer, gawk like a shocked passerby witnessing a horrible accident!

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~TheRetroplex

An interview with Optimus Prime

Contributed by: Jared Keller   on 5/2/2007

We here at The Retroplex have been fortunate to interview such luminaries as Kim Jong-Il, and, well...that's about it. Maybe Corey Haim, too, but we're not too sure if it really was him, or just some random guy from Toronto.

Anyway, geek anticipation is turned up to eleven for the July 4th release of the Steven Spielberg-produced, Michael Bay-helmed adaptation of Hasbro's much-beloved toy robot saga, Transformers. With this in mind, we pulled some strings, begged, pleaded, and did some things of which we're really not proud, but in the end, it was all worth it; we landed the big one. An interview with Big Red himself, Optimus Prime. So, we rolled into an undisclosed location somewhere in the desert Southwest, and let the tape roll. To quote that sage of the satellite, Duff Goldberg, It. Was. Awwwwwwwwesome!

Retroplex: Wow. Thanks SO much for spending a few moments with us. We're longtime fans, Mr. Prime.

OP: My pleasure. Always happy to meet with a fan. Can I ask you to do one thing though?

Retroplex: Name it.

OP: Uh, there's only one of you. You're the only one here. Lay off the "we" stuff, will you? Freedom is the right of every sentient being; pretentiousness isn't, you know what I mean?

Retroplex: Point taken. So, shall we move on to the questions?

OP: Fire away, my little human friend.

Retroplex: So, what's it like coming back onto the scene after so many years off of the big screen? You were last up there in Transformers: The Movie, right?

OP: Oh yeah. It's nice...I can't lie. Especially given the way the last one went for me.

Retroplex: Oh, you mean the big death scene?

OP: Yeah. The thing just didn't "click", you know? I mean, I kick Megatron around for years, he's always got the big gun, always reliably inaccurate, and then, BAM! He gets on the big screen, and suddenly, he's Carlos Hathcock? I don't think so, compadre. Then, the geniuses in production add insult to injury by giving me theme music by...are you ready for this? White Lion. White. Lion.

Retroplex:Man. That's rough. And what was the name of the big huge bad guy in the old movie? Unicorn? Initech?

OP: Unicrom. See, that's a good example of what went wrong that time around. I should've retained creative control, I didn't, and we ended up with a big ol' robot planet for a villain. A planet that eats other planets, right? I mean, who can relate to that villain? It's a small group; Michael Moore, John Pinette, or maybe Harry Knowles, but that's about it, really. Kinda limits your audience, you know?

Retroplex: Still, it's got to feel good to have this new team behind you, huh? Spielberg? Bay? ILM? Not too shabby a crew.

OP: No, no...it's a sweet deal. You want stuff blowing up majestically, and lots of slo-mo hero walks? Bay's The Man. Spielberg? Forget about it. And, to top it off, I've got more control this time around. Hollywood's Hollywood, though, so the bigwigs are still making a bunch of changes. I guess I wasn't aging well, or something, because they gave me a flame paint job. See, to me, that's more of a Hot Rod, or Rodimus type o' thing.

Retroplex: Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too. Kinda flashy.

OP: Still, though, it's great. No complaints. I was sitting around with some of the old gang the other day - Sideswipe, Jazz, and Bumblebee - and none of us could believe this was really happening. Well, Bumblebee was mostly amped about that LaBeouf guy. Nice kid, that one. Squirrely, but nice. Funny name, though.

Retroplex: Yeah, he's an up-and-comer, isn't he? I wanted to ask...wait. Is that Who I think it is?

OP: (Standing) Aw geez, fellas, not now, huh? I'm in the middle of this. Volts, baby, I trust you to keep the rest of these jokers under control, you know? Come on, Destro...

Retroplex: Give us a minute, fellas? Hey. That's uncalled for. That's cold, Megatron. Even for you, man. Akira dude - aw, I can never remeber your name - don't drive the powerike on the hardwood! And who's the giant blue guy in the box?

OP: It's my crew. These dudes have no class. Don't pay any attention to them. C'mon, losers! Go back to the trailer! You're killing me here. Aw, Starscream's into the craft services stuff again...Hey man, I've gotta get going, OK? I gotta get these dorks out of here, before they get me busted like Danny Bonaducce. Transform, and roll out, morons. I can't take you anywhere!

Retroplex: Wow. And there he goes; like a crazy robot Entourage. I, uh...I guess I'll show myself out.


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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
Submitted By: John Zwick
posted on 5/5/2007 @ 12:11:34 PM
Rated Blog Entry
"Harry Knowles is fat" jokes are instant fives.
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Submitted By: Jared Keller
posted on 5/3/2007 @ 11:27:32 AM
(Not Rated)
It's something, anyway...
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Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 5/3/2007 @ 11:11:47 AM
Rated Blog Entry
You geekness is inspiring.
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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 44 blog entries and 57 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average blog rating is 5.
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