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Blog Entry 35 of 44 Welcome to The Retroplex
I'm usually in full-blown reminisce mode anyway, so why not make the rest of you poor saps suffer along with me, right?

Here, you'll find no shortage (well...unless I can't think of any new material) of meaningless but ultimately harmless bits of ephemera covering the past 20 or so years of pop culture, and my occasional interactions with it. Whether you're into the iconic or the ironic, sooner or later, I'll probably get around to it.
Watch, as the hilarity ensues! Or, if you prefer, gawk like a shocked passerby witnessing a horrible accident!

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~TheRetroplex

Zabka - God among bullies

Contributed by: Jared Keller   on 7/24/2007

Do they still have bullies anymore? My personal nemesis was Dirk Sparks, who, from the second grade through the fifth, made it his mission in life to see how many ways in which he could trip me, taunt me, or throw me from various playground apparatus. If only I'd have been more well-versed in the bully lore of the period, I might have stood a fighting chance of defeating him. Instead, I usually found myself face-down on the gym floor, having had my Kangaroos (with pockets on the side!) knocked out from under me by Dirk's own fiendishly well-placed foot as I ran laps.

In retrospect, I should have recognized the signs. Dirk was, at times, the classic 80s bully - in full Billy Zabka mode. Zabka, as you should remember, played a nearly perfect trifecta of bullies in a stretch from 1984 to 1986, and undoubtedly inspired the beatings of countless timid kids around the world. Like the dreaded Zabka, Dirk's uniform at one point or another consisted of a permanently affixed sneer, fingerless gloves (dead giveaway!), parachute pants, and, in gym class, a mesh lime green jersey with the word "awesome" written across the chest, in a garish yellow lightning bolt font.

Had I been paying attention to the following social order enforcers, I might have avoided "Dirk the Jerk". Pay attention, kids - bullies are timeless, and Billy Zabka is their undisputed king.

We start with perhaps the best movie bully of all time, none other than the classic John Lawrence (AKA "Johnny"), for whom The Karate Kid's Daniel-san acted as a personal heavy bag for the better part of the film's first hour-plus.

The Signs: Weird, flippy hairdo, flagrant use of parachute pants, the unnecessary wearing of headbands, and the propensity for random acts of extreme violence directed toward whiny Italian-American kids from New Jersey.

Next up? Another Billy Zabka creation - Just One of the Guys' Greg Tolan. Much like Johnny, Greg can't help feeling disdain for the vast majority of his fellow high school students. Given that he's been forced to attend the same schools as Ralph Macchio, Chad McQueen, and a cross-dressing Joyce Hyser, it's tough to blame him too much. I think I'd have lashed out, too. Still, Tolan is an effectively smarmy, self-absorbed boor who - like Johnny - gets his comeuppance in the end. Also like Johnny, he doesn't receive this comeuppance until he's beaten down a few maxi-zoom dweebies.

The Signs: Weird, flippy harido, fingerless glove use, and the propensity for random acts of violence toward entire tables full of nerds in the school cafeteria.

Lastly, who could forget Back to School's Chas? That's right - the bully goes to college. Sure, he's a little more sophisticated now, and he's sporting what appears to be Andrew McCarthy's hair from St. Elmo's Fire, but he's still all-Zabka. This, of course, means that he'll make someone's life a living hell before being inexplicably humbled by Rodney Dangerfield's "Triple Lindy".

The Signs: Andrew McCarthy-esque, yet still-flippy hairdo, ever present sneer, hatred of all underdogs...or Rodney Dangerfield.

In short, should you notice any of the aforementioned indicators among your friends, you're probably part of the ever-present "wormy guy inner circle" that always surrounds guys like Zabka; always willing to laugh at his jokes, or sneer menacingly at helpless little punks from another town. If you find yourself wearing fingerless gloves but aren't on a bike, if you own a headband but haven't stunt doubled for Sylvester Stallone in recent memory, or if you've developed a taste for the blood of scrawny, defenseless kids from Newark, you're probably a bully, and should therefore find someone to provide you with the appropriately humiliating course correction that you so desperately need - preferably at, or just outside of a school dance.

Take these warnings to heart, kids. This is serious business.


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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
Submitted By: Jared Keller
posted on 7/25/2007 @ 3:28:23 PM
(Not Rated)
Oh, I'm all over the post-80s Zabka work. A few years back, I started a gag online petition for the Karate Kid's 20th Anniversary - which soon spiraled out of control - and in the process, I found myself the recipient of a bunch of very sweet emails from Billy Zabka's mom, dad, and sister. A very cute moment, actually. Check his family out here: http://www.zabka.com. Still, he'll always be Johnny, won't he?
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Submitted By: Brendan Leonard
posted on 7/25/2007 @ 2:36:43 PM
Rated Blog Entry
You should check imdb.com to see what William Zabka's been up to since, Back to School.
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Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 7/24/2007 @ 5:18:13 PM
Rated Blog Entry
I always find a well-aimed "Sorry about your penis" effective.
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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 44 blog entries and 57 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average blog rating is 5.
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