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Blog Entry 13 of 44 Welcome to The Retroplex
I'm usually in full-blown reminisce mode anyway, so why not make the rest of you poor saps suffer along with me, right?

Here, you'll find no shortage (well...unless I can't think of any new material) of meaningless but ultimately harmless bits of ephemera covering the past 20 or so years of pop culture, and my occasional interactions with it. Whether you're into the iconic or the ironic, sooner or later, I'll probably get around to it.
Watch, as the hilarity ensues! Or, if you prefer, gawk like a shocked passerby witnessing a horrible accident!

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~TheRetroplex

Cartoon logic and national security

Contributed by: Jared Keller   on 9/6/2006

I've written here before about my love of 80s cartoons/video games/toys, etc., and have made no bones about being a fan of Japanese robots and G.I. Joe stuff in particular.

Given my predisposition to enjoy stuff like Voltron (BOTH kinds...), Robotech, Tranzor Z, G.I. Joe, and Mighty Orbots, etc., it's rather remarkable that I'm able to function on any sort of reasonably logical level.

See, these shows - usually poorly-dubbed, bizarrely cobbled together versions of already silly Japanese shows - managed to violate the laws of physics, insult even our meager kid intelligence, and pretty much boil down to - as the ultimate solution to any problem - the joining together of separate, smaller vehicles into one honkin' robot that quickly dispatched any enemy -but only after the required period of futile flailing with said smaller vehicles.

With this thought in mind, it's important to consider what challenges that we, as a nation, may be facing in the next several years as folks like myself - in their late-20s to early-30s begin taking positions of leadership and responsibility in the military, police, intelligence, and public safety fields. Here's a quick rundown of the lessons to be learned, for any who'll listen (or read, as the case may be...). Let's not learn these the hard way:

1. When in battle, ALWAYS skip right to the big guns.
This is especially important for folks involved in mechanized infantry work. If you've got the 120mm main gun on an M1A2 at your service, don't dilly-dally with the .50cal. Voltron had 30 minutes to fill before he was allowed to bust out the Blazing Sword and cleave the Robeast in two; you don't.

2. Never, ever have just ONE team member for each role/vehicle.
If you've got just five lions, or one XP-14F Skystriker, you've got a problem. Similarly, if you're an elite counterterrorist force, and you've got but one light infantryman, or one minesweeper, chances are you'll be outgunned in fairly short order. Redundancy counts, kids. Got five lions? Get ten pilots. Not to be morbid, but you never know when that punk kid Pidge will slip up, and get himself pulped into bone-flecked nerd jam, just when you're counting on him most. Plan on it.

3. Don't rely too much on your enemy's utter stupidity or inexperience with weaponry.
Sure, we all know that the Cobra dorks couldn't hit the broad side of a M.O.B.A.T. tank, but still. In the real world, most terrorists have trained with a weapon at some point in their journey toward nutdom, and maybe...just maybe, they could hit you with it - even if only by accident. Also, most terrorist groups and hostile states tend to learn from their mistakes. You probably wouldn't find, for instance,that Kim Jong-Il would send tentacle-armed Robeast after tentacle-armed Robeast to Seoul, should the South Koreans find themselves a giant, sword-equipped robot with which to fend them off. Count on a dynamic adversary.

4. If you launch your fists at the bad guys, know what to do if they don't come back.
While modern-day weapons are high-tech, accurate, and powerful, mistakes do happen, and, should you be piloting your giant mech, decide that the ol' rocket punch looks to be the ideal weapon for your current operation, and let 'em fly, have a backup plan should one or both go on the fritz. You don't want to find yourself standing there fistless, after all. Very embarassing, and not very intimidating.

5. If the bad guys start monologing, that would be the ideal time to crisp 'em.
It's not sporting, and goodness knows everyone loves to watch purple-skinned meglomaniacs emote, but really, this interlude - with its closed-eyed gloating, laughter to the ceiling, and general fist-shaking - offers the best chance you're likely to have to nail 'em with you best shot, whether it be the Blazing Sword, or those crazy helicopter blade-thingees on your shoulders (I'm looking at you, Vehicle Voltron...).

Now, one of you policy wonks out there get to work on implementing these suggestions, and we'll be sitting pretty.


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Showing 1-4 of 4 comments
Submitted By: Rob Guthrie
posted on 9/21/2006 @ 2:14:34 PM
Rated Blog Entry
Sorry, Jared, but I always thought Barney would make the ultimate weapon of choice. That purple b*st*rd plus one mega-bullhorn? You couldn't do better if you bottled and distributed pure submission.
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Submitted By: Jared Keller
posted on 9/13/2006 @ 1:24:27 PM
(Not Rated)
John, this may be the single most brilliant idea in the history of mankind. I get to be Keith. Or Lance. So long as I'm not the little green twit, I'm cool.
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Submitted By: John Zwick
posted on 9/8/2006 @ 2:24:56 PM
Rated Blog Entry
You've just given me an incredible breakthrough. Crowdsource our national defense. To any uninitiated readers, crowdsourcing is spreading the work to a large crowd, counting on the wisdom of groups and the talents of many individuals. Here's the idea: each vehicle comes equipped with certain actuators (maybe some dynatherms and megathrusters just so we have things to connect and be "go,") that, in the everyday operation of the vehicle, do nothing. In the event of a threat, the Pentagon beams out a signal relayed across cell phone towers that activates a mechanism in all of these vehicles so they come together in groups of 5 on the highway and form thousands of butt-kicking Voltrons. It would also keep Detroit in business. There we go. You and I just saved the American manufacturing sector and made an unstoppable wall of citizen robot-soldiers.
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Submitted By: Bill Boucher
posted on 9/7/2006 @ 7:40:06 AM
(Not Rated)
Reminds me of the SAC motto, "Peace is our business. War is a hobby."
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Showing 1-4 of 4 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jared Keller

Littleton

Jared Keller has posted 44 blog entries and 57 comments since joining on 12/1/2005. Jared Keller 's average blog rating is 5.
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