As many of you know, I'm (reluctantly) planning a wedding. And the closer I get to the big day, the more appalled I become by the $160 billion wedding industry.
In Denver - where my wedding is not - the average wedding costs $32,120. With the average annual salary hovering around $43,000, you'll be homeless after that wedding and two-months salary worth of ring. Luckily most brides are starving themselves into a gown and don't need to eat.
I admit that I've bought into a lot of this wedding hype myself, but some of this stuff is just too much.
Let's start at the beginning with the ring. There's really no better way to say "Honey, I want to spend the rest of my life with you" than by dropping five figures on a ring that contributes to the world's most prestigious monopoly and enslaves and endangers countless Africans. Yep, that's love.
Just a century ago many people didn't even wear engagement rings, and certainly not diamonds. It took a brilliant marketing scheme by DeBeers to brainwash generations into believing their value converted to carats. Once your destiny is sold, the wedding industry wants you to bankrupt and humiliate your friends. The bridal party. How do you thank your best friend for years of support and laughter? You make her buy a hideous $100 dress (if it's on sale), dyed-to-match shoes and throw you parties. Note to my friends - I know you like me; you don't need to ask me to be a bridesmaid to prove this. And if you do so anyway, there's really no need to buy me a shirt, bag, compact or anything else with the word "Bridesmaid" on it.
Speaking of gifts, there are some really ridiculous wedding favors out there. Who needs a single placeholder? Or a 2x3 picture frame? Or a "Spread the Love" cheese spreader? Save your money and give your guests an open bar or some better food.
OK, OK, so my favors aren't much better - I just had to have personalized shot glasses, but at least my guests will be getting a bottle of rum to pour in them. As a general rule, guests don't need to come home with schwag personalized with someone else's names (or taste in music). This is a wedding, not a convention.
I think we could probably re-grow the Amazon rainforest with all the useless wedding-related paper products. Save-the-dates, invites, response cards, announcements, programs and the list goes on and on. I wish I could go back in time and undo all the purchases I made within the first two weeks of getting engaged when I just had to have personalized cocktail napkins. No one will miss the cute phrasing of "Eat, drink and be married" and if they want to know the ring bearer's name, they can ask.
My most hated wedding-related item will probably come as a surprise, since it's food related. Not just food, but cake. Fondant. If I could eradicate just one food from the world, it would be fondant. It represents all that I hate about society - sacrificing quality for appearance. Yes, superficial fondant looks pretty in pictures, but no one has ever enjoyed eating it. It tastes like rubber. Plus, it's about twice the price as delicious butter cream.
Fondant - it's a Fon-Don't.
Weddings should be joyful, fun parties. That means that not everything needs to match, chairs don't need to be covered and programs don't need to be placed on every seat. Consumer debt and wedding spending are headed in the same direction - up. I better be debt- and fondant-free on my wedding day.
Allyson Reedy writes on matters of the heart from Littleton.