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Self recovery leads to love-discovery

Contributed by: Julie Pech on 2/14/2007

I was so furious at my ex for attempting to destroy my life after I left him that I realized going to divorce recovery class once wasn't going to get the job done--I had to go twice. As much as I wanted to pay him back, I'm a firm believer that holding anger and seeking vengeance only destroys the person who is the aggressor. I was determined not to let him control my mind any more and I knew that every moment I wasted on being angry at him was a moment I could be building my life.

My second trip through class started in January of 2006,just over a year after I'd left. Still seething, I set about a second time to release my fury and focus my efforts on creating a new future. There were 17 people in class and we all had to share our stories on the first night. Listening to the stories was heart breaking, but one particular guy had a really rough story. His wife of 20 years had picked up and moved out with their four children (ages 9-17) and would not consider counseling. I could hear the devastation in his voice--one day his life was normal and the next it was entirely destroyed. I remember thinking to myself "wow, a guy with four kids is going to have a tough time finding someone to date."

I was determined to stay single and admittedly, I was a cliche' of a man-hating, mistrusting and scornful divorcee. I had a new career to launch (I had sold a small company I'd started just before leaving), a home to rebuild and two young children to see through this mess. Men were in last place by a mile and I wasn't afraid to make certain every one of them knew it.

About a month into class we had the assignment of e-mailing at least two classmates to see how they were doing. A humorous e-mail, feigning a blundering first meeting, arrived from Scott, the guy with four kids. I whipped out my version of humor-covered-pain and fired it off. It wasn't long before the e-mails could possibly have been considered more than just homework. We joked about it in class the next week and tried to focus on the workshops.

By the following week, Scott and I realized that e-mails were a colossal waste of time and opted for an old fashioned phone call. If you've ever taken a divorce recovery class, and I truly hope that you haven't, it's easy to find people to relate to because you're all essentially in the same boat. But our situation was a little beyond the norm because our stories almost mirrored each other but with the opposite spouse.

We agreed to meet for drinks, even though it was definitely against the laws of the class. However, I'm in real estate, so to get through the small print we agreed that he could be a potential client. And his computer skills could help my business as well--so we concocted a legitimate business meeting.

Since we were friends by this point, I didn't feel as though it was a "date" and I wasted no time in sharing my anti-man and no-dating sentiment. I warned him that I was too much work, demanding an enormous amount of freedom and striving toward a long list of personal and career goals that would take my focus and commitment away from any conceivable relationship. I mean really, I did my best to convince him that he wanted no part of me. We laughed the night away, realizing that I could be the poster-child for stereotype divorcees.

Like any normal man, he didn't listen (kidding of course, not!). However, this turned out to be my good fortune. Although my brain was clearly saying no-men, my heart was on its own plan. I realized that throughout my entire life I'd always followed my brain--do the sensible thing and everything will work out. Obviously that particular strategy had failed me miserably, so I was clearly in need of something new.

Another month passed before I finally let go and followed my heart. The best thing about it was I actually felt I had a heart to follow. I'd buried mine for so long in the pain of my former relationship I'd actually forgotten that it existed. I think I had given up the hope of finding anyone because I just didn't believe there was any such thing as love. What I discovered is that when I worked on myself to become the best person I could be, the best person for me wandered into my life on his own.

We've been together for a year and it seems like a few days. He gives me the freedom to pursue my long list of goals with passion and I support his choices and direction fully. I'd read about this kind of "ideal" relationship in books, but to actually experience it is unexpectedly wonderful. We've had the opportunity to do some traveling, we both love to ski, we ride bikes and we laugh non-stop all the time. The kids love that we're happy and they're happier too.

I guess that guy with four kids didn't have such a tough time finding someone after all, and I can feel my heart for the first time in my life.This is definitely a win/win.


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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Julie Pech

Littleton , CO

Julie Pech has posted 27 stories and 0 comments since joining on 11/23/2006. Julie Pech 's average story rating is 5.
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