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Lone Tree [Change Location]

Blog Entry 66 of 181 Suburban Dementia
Expect me to write about the convergence of random events, the persistence of memory (Dali's melting version), juxtaposition of opposites, the phenomena of unintended consequences, and the mundane details of my life. Mostly, I expound on the absurdities of life in general, but the suburbs in particular.

Hate list


Hate is a strong word. Still, there seems to be some things that are widely reviled.

I'm not talking about telemarketers, able-bodied people parked in handicapped spots, or those who use hand-held cell phones while driving, but put you on speaker when you call them at home. Anything to do with driving or telephones is left off the list, because there is just so much to abhor.

Also, I see no point in hating what other people do or say, because there is no way you are going to change their behavior, and although almost everybody loves to complain, we all hate complainers.

I choose to highlight hated items worthy of cult-like derisive status.

1. Fruitcake. While the quality of fruitcake varies and some do not actually contain recognizable fruit or colors found in nature, I like it. However, I agree it is best confined to consumption once a year.

2. Mimes. Yes, the reverse-minstrel whiteface is creepy and clown-like. (I do not include clowns on the hate list, because I think they are more typically feared.)

In college, a girl in my dorm studied mime for her theater degree. Everyone avoided her, dreading spontaneous performances trapped in a glass box or pulling a rope. I had stronger negative feelings for the dance major upstairs who was studying tap.

3. Ugly feet. I have never heard anyone remark on a hatred of grotesque hands, but have met many people repulsed by unsightly feet, especially their own.

In a Florida beachside cafe, one friend called the waitress, asking for another table. When I asked why, she grimaced, gesturing discreetly toward the floor of adjacent diners. "That woman's feet disgust me," she whispered. "I can't eat if I can see them."

Having known her for ten years, this was the first I heard of her sensitivity. I immediately felt a compulsion to tuck my feet under me. "Oh, your feet are okay," she assured me. It never occurred to me to judge the aesthetic quality of an appendage hard at work supporting my body weight every day.

Also, I never understood the custom of counting a newborn's toes and fingers. The wrong number of digits may signify inbreeding, but it is already too late. If the count is off, do you send them back?

4. Cats. There are those who fiercely love and defend felines, but some people despise them with a virulence rarely reserved for dogs. Just because they don't care if you live or die as long as the food and water bowl gets automatic refills is no reason to hate them. If so, waitresses could justifiably hate their customers. Maybe that's a bad example.

5. Anchovies. A common refrain deciding a group pizza order is "Anything but anchovies." Yet, the same person orders a side Caesar salad. Apparently, salted fish, like a cheap cut of meat, becomes palatable after a good pounding and soaking.

Please note that I do not endorse hatred, whether the target is popular or obscure.

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Showing 1-10 of 10 comments

Now I know why your son Jake ordered his pizza with anchovies at the party today! -Kim H.

I love my cat but never will be caught eating anchovies!He doesn't like thwm either. As usual, William Boucher's comment made me laugh!

And why is it that the people with the most mangled, twisted, crusty, yellow toes are the ones who insist upon showing them the most? I hate sandals.

Eric, suck on a breath mint and take a second look at the photo. I think it's fruit cake, not anchovy pizza. Speaking of hate, you didn't even mention people with thirty items in the ten-items-or-fewer check-out line, Karin. Don't they deserve a little wrath?

Can't we all just get along? Except for cats of course. Cats only use is for eating anchovies. Who in their right mind would be "pro-cat?" That's like a teenager saying he/she is "pro-acne."

I tried to read the whole blog, but I was grotesquely fascinated by the anchovie pizza photo. I threw up a little bit in my mouth. I had no idea that's what they looked like. To see a nice illustration of the reasons I hate cats, check out this cartoon by a kindred spirit: http://www.nataliedee.com/082304/why-i-hate-cats.jpg

I've only recently become pro-cat. But because I'm still allergic to the damn creatures, the understanding we have come to will not amount to much.

I agree with 1-3 but have to disagree with 4 and 5. I love my cat Chester, even though he has torn up the carpet and likes to claw the walls instead of his scratching post. And I actually like anchovies. When I was a young'n in the Philippines, we used to fry those little fishies up and eat them with rice. We called them, "dilis" (DEE-lis). I still eat them once in a while.

I loved your story about the mime. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Dave Attell: "Some things aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny. Stabbings aren't funny. Mimes aren't funny. But beating and stabbing a mime -- why is that hilarious?"

As an anchovie loving, fruitcake eating mime with ugly feet and a cat, I take exception to your list.
Showing 1-10 of 10 comments