I hate to ruin my Nielson ratings, but Sex and the Suburbs is nothing like Sex and the City (a younger, single, more stylishly undressed demographic) and probably unlike Desperate Housewives, too . Having never seen the show, I feel safe saying that just from catching previews. My suburban sex analysis contains no factual evidence, making me guilty of disseminating suburban legends outside of an e-mail inbox.

Bill Clinton affected youthful sexual discourse, if not behavior.

Not that he invented "doesn't count as sex if you can't get pregnant" rationale, arguably popularized during the Sexual Revolution. Still, a President under oath probably shouldn't have given tacit permission for generational peers' children to use the line.

Viagra/Cialis/Levitra marketing reaches people who don't need it.

Just like Paxil ads exploited ubiquitous social anxiety, these drugs feed perfectly into competitive performance anxiety. Brilliant campaigns with garden hoses and tire swings inspired younger males to carry pills in their wallets next to condoms after virile spokesman Bob Dole locked up the older man market.

On a related note, millions of grandmothers, once equating frequently going solo with blindness, heard the Viagra rare visual side effect disclaimer and said, "I told you so. Those guys probably took it with hopes too high."

Men want it more than women, particularly when married.

Sex addiction may be classified a psychological disorder for sufferers and those who fantasize about meeting someone diagnosed. One suburban disparate desire theory is the female body reprioritizes after fulfilling its procreation purpose, also becoming exhausted by subsequent child-rearing, while male bodies remain anthropologically stubborn about species survival.

Women take longer.

Some men concern themselves with their size, when the comparatively tiny female external appendage may be the real issue. If men are biologically wired for quantity, isn't it in their best interests to do exactly what women want as far as quality? Do suburban dads neglect that advice in the birds-and-bees speech?

Who are breast implants really for?

Although mammary glands hold a peculiar fascination in our culture, common lore states suburban women dress to impress their own gender, making augmentation an intimidation ploy.

Affairs happen.

You know people who say "My partner is out the door at the first sign of cheating"? Often this attitude revises during middle age. Awareness that hormone depletion may lead to the symbolic muscle car or renewing prior relationships where the internet conveniently disguises the lost love's commensurate aging, does not mean all suburbanites give up without a fight.

At the start of the new millennium, one woman I met sparked many Bunko conversations after punching her neighborhood rival through a car window, jerking open the door and dragging her out for a real cat fight, perhaps fulfilling her husband's fantasy. Reportedly, she feigned marital reconciliation, moving to a 50/50 property division state. Last I heard they remained married, proving that faking it sometimes creates reality.

Wait, this is sounding like Desperate Housewives. Although I couldn't say, since I haven't watched it.