Our distant relatives are defined by location as well as genetics, so my children remain woefully undereducated in extended family holiday rules of engagement. The remote possibility exists they will marry into a clan lucky and localized enough to gather all members annually. Since it is probably too late for my children, I direct my rules toward future grandchildren, who may adapt my experience to fit other family members:

1. It is easier referring to all adults as aunts and uncles and fellow children as cousins, rather than defining who is once or twice removed or which side of the family claims them.

2. Review the guest list. If the Smith* cousins are coming, hide your toys. The only game they know is Demolition Derby.

3. Keep a neutral, relaxed face if you can't smile during cheek-pinching, hair-ruffling or shoulder-punching.

4. Do not say "Did you expect me to shrink?" when told "My, how you've grown!" Your parent may deliver the acceptable response, "So have you," poking Uncle Ted in the stomach.

5. If you see Aunt Alice leave the bathroom, allow at least a half hour before entering. You can hold it.

6. Leftover mashed potatoes on your plate will hide Aunt May's special green-peas-suspended-in-lime-jello salad.

7. Pretend not to notice while Cousin Mike fills his pockets from the candy jar.

8. When Uncle Eddie asks you to mix him a drink, make sure to use the watered-down bottle of whiskey prepared in advance just for him.

9. Do not eat the mixed nuts if they are slippery. Cousin Marty sucks the salt off his fingers before rooting around for another cashew.

10. When Great-Aunt Eleanor gives Great-Uncle Irving a nose hair trimmer, just laugh. Even if it wasn't a joke, do it for his sake.

11. Keep a wrapped box of chocolate on hand, offering it to Aunt Mary when she exclaims, "Salmon gives me hives" after unwrapping the planked fish. Or reverse the gift-giving order when she announces "Chocolate makes me break out like a teenager."

12. If Cousin Joey disappears suddenly, don't worry. Follow the crashing sound and you will find him.

13. During a card game, expect Uncle John to follow suit after triumphantly trumping the same suit the previous play. Do not comment. He'll still lose.

14. Always join the cleanup crew after dinner. Be careful not to drop any dishes in shock, drawing attention to yourself and ending all hope of ever finding out what really destroyed Uncle Fred's marriage.

15. On a related note, no matter how much you want to try out your new robotic toy or how tired you are after Uncle Sid's extended doorway goodbye an hour and a half after everybody else left, do not miss your nuclear family's party debriefing at the kitchen table. The second piece of pie tastes even better than the first, your mom might let you have a milky cup of coffee, and you will never laugh so hard again.