Whether it's prices, lines, or just needing to be somewhere else, people often seem unhappy in the grocery store. While reading tabloid headlines, I sometimes amuse myself creating a convivial moment among incongruous people unloading carts onto a belt mysteriously streaked with fluid hopefully not chicken or squished tomatoes. Humor attempts are always hit or miss, but if people are already crabby, you can't really make things worse.
Recently I switched roles, becoming the Edgy Shopper, having spent the day eradicating uninvited house guests. Okay, I guess not cleaning the kitchen very thoroughly with four teenagers in the house was sort of an ant party invitation. This summer our abode resembles a post-weekend fraternity house.
I must have worn that scrunched look aging a person ten years, but still attempted a little half-hearted chitchat when the woman behind me started picking up all the latest magazines.
Me: I usually read those in line, too.
Shopper: Oh, I'm buying them. Everyone makes fun of me, but guess what's the first thing they pick up when they come over? Oh, I've gotta have the Best and Worst Beach Bodies issue.
Me: All I can say is, I'm glad I'm not in it.
Shopper: Huh, I could be. Last week someone snapped my picture when my dog won a dog show. The dog photographed great, but I looked like I had a congenital defect. Next time I'll just enter the show without the dog and still win.
I started laughing, but maintained enough residual crankiness to verify with the cashier Triscuits were still on sale.
Shopper: Did you see the great sale on chicken?
Me: I'm sticking with frozen tonight. I need something fast.
Shopper: Well, I'm going with the chicken and tomatoes. Botulism with a side of salmonella. It's for my husband. He hasn't been very nice lately.
Was it me or did the cashier thump Ba Dum Bum on the scanner? I know I left in a significantly better mood than when I walked in.
Here's the beauty of using your material in the grocery store: a captive audience who's never heard any of it before.
A few days later, I entered behind a dad wrangling four exuberantly young but well-behaved children. Finding him in front of me checking out, I complimented his efficient shopping with an entourage.
He pointed to his oldest girl. "They're all easy, but this one is the most low-maintenance. When she was a baby, she'd be like: Say, if you have a moment, could you change this dirty diaper? Oh, never mind, I've taken care of it myself."
The daughter's non-reaction indicated a well-worn line, but I got a kick out of it on many levels, even beyond the dad's excellent delivery. First, he was reinforcing her good behavior without being gushy. Second, he obviously expressed pleasure spending time with his kids at a venue many consider onerous. Third, he made everyone in the grocery store line laugh.