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Blog Entry 2 of 2 The Divine Adoratrice of Amun speaks from Niuserre

Ok, ok - I'm not really at the Solar Temple in Abu Gorab - I'm here in Longmont, Colorado with my man and our geriatric cat in a house that is probably bigger than we need. lol But I do believe I lived there in a past life... as you might imagine, I am a rabid *ahem* I mean avid Egyptologist and it is at the top of my list to visit. As a matter of fact, someday I plan to travel to several places in the Middle East. The truth is I'm really in Egypt mode as I create this blog, which is why it was named thusly. But chances are I will be writing more about life in general as well as sewing, music and, well... writing. I do tend to blog from time to time on myspace and I post all of my artistic endeavors to deviantart, but this yourhub idea of stories and blogging really appeals to me. Additionally, I believe that the universe shows you the way to go if you just pay attention, and when yourhub came up for me several times in as many days I knew it was, for lack of less cheesy terms; a sign. So here I am. As I mentioned, the great loves of my life currently are writing, sewing, and as always, music. I am a writer who has recently been published for the first time and I want more. I also have my own business making bags and purses, as well as curtains and other household items. I went to school for and worked in the music industry (once upon a time) but the glamor faded quickly - still; it didn't dampen my love for music, even if I don't go to as many concerts as I used to.

Blog Url: http://denver.yourhub.com/~ModernHieroglyphics

Letting go is healthy...

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Contributed by: Andrea Colleen on 2/7/2008

So for the past year or so I've been trying to actively meditate and work on why I do the negative things that I do. Therapy was a big help, but I got all the answers I could from that exercise several years ago and even then felt that the rest of my healing would have to come from inside. I believe that you can glean quite a bit of information about yourself by analyzing your dreams, and I sometimes ask for information and/or help in solving issues in my dreams before I go to sleep at night. Sometimes I am surprised and other times it makes immediate sense, and from time to time they even give me information when I don't actively ask for it. Additionally, I have been doing dream interpretation for some time, not only for myself but also for other people.

The other night I had a dream that I can't get out of my mind - I only remember this bit of it clearly, which is pretty normal for me, but usually dreams don't hang around my head for so long like annoying little bats circling and bumping into me every so often. Even though I've discussed it with my cousin and am pretty sure I know what it is about I have continued thinking about it; so I thought maybe if I blogged about it, that would help.

In the dream I think I was attending a charity event for the organization that I volunteer for and there were several uniformed law enforcement officers there, which is the norm for these types of events. One of the policemen approached me and I thought he looked rather familiar, but I wasn't sure where from.

"Did you go to Pomona?" he asked me.

"Yeah." I answered.

"You were kind of a bi*ch then, weren't you?" He wasn't being mean or harsh or anything, he asked this very kindly.

"Yeah..." I said sheepishly, "...sorry about that." I wasn't offended at all by what he'd said, in fact; I totally agreed with him and was embarrassed that I had been such a weirdo back then.

"Eh..." he shrugged, "it was high school, we all had our issues."

Then my mom walked up (she also volunteers for the same charity) and I introduced her. It went something like 'Mom, this is XXXXX, and I was a bi*ch to him in high school.' My mother nodded to him sympathetically.

"I always said she needed an attitude adjustment." she said matter-of-factly.

And that's all I can remember. O_o

In the dream I don't remember what I actually said his name was, but in thinking about it he looked like a guy who I think was in my year during high school. He was in a bunch of my classes and he always sat near me, so I think his last name also started with an "S", but his first name was Jason, I think... or some "J" name.

Anyhow, he was sporty (sports were big business at Pomona) and I was SO not, and I also did have a really terrible attitude. I don't remember him or his friends ever being anything but decent to me and mine, but I do remember several confrontations that started out with me saying something like 'What the hell are YOU looking at?!?' resulting in him just shaking his head at me. I only remember one time when he responded - I think we might have had to work together on something and I was being a psycho as usual, and he turned around in his seat and said "What the hell is WRONG with you?" in a very exasperated tone. Which of course fired me up even more. *shakes head at teen-aged self*

Of course my aggression was not due to anything he did - it was due to my own strong insecurities, especially about my appearance. So now in thinking about it I wonder if he was indeed looking at me, just in a more appreciative sense than I thought. And that in turn made me reassess several situations from when I was a teen and young woman where things with guys would go so terribly wrong. All along I have been making the excuse that I was going after guys with issues when really I have to take some responsibility that my own issues were also getting in the way and contributing to fouling everything up.

Man, accountability is a harsh mistress and hind sight is 20/20 and all that rot... but honestly; looking back I can see exactly where things went wrong and why. I can see where my insecurities made me act like a damn fool and ended relationships before their time or many times before they'd even started. Now don't get me wrong - I'm not thinking that I lost the love of my life or anything and I certainly don't have any regrets; I can see how everything has happened for a reason. And actually, painful memories do hurt less with time. But it's still been a bit of an intense journey for me this week examining memories and holding myself responsible for the roles I've played willingly, if not subconsciously.

Reflectively,
~A

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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Andrea Colleen

Longmont , CO

Andrea Colleen has posted 2 blog entries and 0 comments since joining on 2/2/2008. Andrea Colleen's average blog rating is 5.

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