There are questions parents should never need to ask, and then there are questions that should never necessitate an honest answer.

Burping is never allowed at the table, and it doesn't matter that in some cultures it is a compliment to the chef. In some cultures, they eat monkey brains, and I'm still not sure what we're looking at there in term of accoutrements, wines and appetizers. Does one go creamy with the soup, or more bisque-y?

No, we're not going to eat monkey brains.

I know you think everyone who comes to the door is holding a box of pizza, but he isn't.

I'm not psychic, but I see that you need to wear pants. That whole nudity thing isn't working for you too well.

Sledding down the stairs is not going to get you ready for Olympic louging. And while I appreciate that you, then, turned to body surfing down the stairs for entertainment, this is why I wanted to own a ranch-style home in the first place. That door there at the bottom of the stairs? That has potential energy. You, my sweet, have kinetic energy. And once the two of you meet, I have a feeling the force you expend upon that door is going to act on you in return. It's karmic physics. And it hurts.

Chapstick is not edible, no. No, it's not poisonous either. For someone who can't stand cherries, you seemed to consume my stick pretty darned fast.

I understand you feel an amazing amount of frustration at the situation right now. Still, holding out your hands and pretending that you're throttling your teacher isn't generally accepted as respectable. If it's a politician, then it's funny.

The pastor just called. Writing, "For a good time call" in the dirt of the minivan was a good one. Unfortunately, you smudged the numbers, and the pastor is receiving an inordinate amount of propositions of Biblical proportions.

No you can't have peanut butter sandwiches. If I have to eat the meatloaf I just made, so do you.

Yes, when you were a baby, you ate an entire package of Extra spearmint gum. The downside is that I panicked for nothing and was out a lot of gum. The good side? Your diaper contents never smelled more refreshing. And ooh! Light green! Minty.

I prefer you didn't drink the bathwater. Think rear end soup minus the spoon. And, no. I won't get you a spoon.