You all think I'm quiet and cute up here in Longmont, sipping my Diet Coke. You never knew that beneath this amazing hair beats the brain of a football genius.
You saw a mother of four, and you thought of me here, with my Jazz hands, baking my challah and sticking Barbie shoes up my nostrils.
What you never knew that I was out there on that gridiron in spirit, slapping those metaphorical football hineys. Some of my benched players are even miraculous in their talents. But even on my benches, what mattered most is
they weren't yours.
Here I stood, from a town of 80,000, representing my neighbors, all for Yourhub glory, and you guys never saw it coming.
"She's sure cute and I'd love to adopt her and feed her tasty snacks," you say. "I saved a ton of money on my car insurance thanks to Geico," you say. But you never said, "Boy, she looks like someone who could kick my butt this year."
And yet, 38 trades later and many lonely weeks minus smack talk from writers (man, you guys are lame, what with your jobs and your working), I stand, victorious and with very slimming calves.
And you never saw it coming.
Here's to you, opponents of yourhub fantasy football.
Elway-- Congratulations on your fine fantasy football finish this season. 11 and 4 is nothing to sneeze at. Too bad you had to run into the bad newz kennels. Be happy with your second place finish and the biggest margin of victory in game 11 (86 points). Sorry I had to whack TO in the ankle with a tire iron. Better luck next year.
Goodell's Mentors, our fearless commissioner-- I'm giving you third place this year. Not only because you've already beaten Huns of Steel once, but because karma owes you the big enchilada for heading up our league. Sure, with a loser like Tom Brady to carry you through the play-offs, you've thrown your chances somewhere over the Dwayne Bowe-still, I believe in miracles.
Huns of Steel-I applaud your team play. Not only because you made the playoffs, or were kind enough to let me win both times we met, but because you never gave up on Travis Henry-even when he failed his drug test. I picked up his backup. I had to let him go. Congratulations on the second-highest points total for any game this season. Too bad you shot that one off on the lowest-scoring teams that week.
broncoheaven-To the only team who beat me all season: How can the only team to beat me all season also be the only team to lose to the worst team in the league?
Travis Henry (not the dope-smokin' one)-With the single highest-points game of the season in week 12 (155 points), you were the only one who tried to smack talk with me in the messages section, and for that I thank you. Also, as one of the only teams to come anywhere near the number of adds and drops I've played, I could tell you were a man who was going to play during bye weeks and not take those 0-point players. Likable, and with one of my favorite quarterbacks of all time, it's with great remorse that I only got to beat you once.
Fightin' Geniuses- You bow to no man (or woman!) but you didn't mind losing. Judging by your standings, you
really didn't mind losing. You had a solid team but plenty of bad luck to go with it. You needed to make an effort to replace those bye-week players. Even Kurt Warner, with a -2 point game can't lose against you when you left four bye-weekers in there in one game. Cutler, Wayne, Addai, and Bell had better appreciate the vote of confidence, however, seeing as you didn't see fit to replace them and change your no-add-drop season.
Buffoonies-You win my "Asleep at the Wheel" award. Your game this season is remniscent of Mr Magoo driving through Denver with his eyes shut up I-25 before a Broncos game. Not only did you not show up for the draft, but you never made a single add or drop the entire season. On top of that, your bye-week players sat by scoring big fat goose eggs for your team, and you still managed to almost make it into the top four of the entire league in the playoffs. With luck like that, you could almost pull off a lottery win with the unscratched ticket still stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
Forget Midseason-With a final winning streak of one game in a row, a high-points total in week 5 and a low-points total in week 4, when you decided to win, you won big. When you decided to lose, you lost big. Whatever you did, you did it big. Like a pair of Rosie O'Donnells granny panties, you might have stayed under the radar, but you held it all together, and that's what counts.
Fierce Fiancees-- One of the few who showed up to the draft, you've shown initiative and a toughness few chicks have in the game. Your overall points total almost broke 1,000, which shows that even with the odds against you, you were almost there.
Kanadianhoser- You had the all-time lowest score total for any game, at 23 points in week 6, and were the lowest score of the week twice this season. While your scores didn't take off (eh), at least you weren't last place. And having 4 players who all scored a 0-point week in week 5 without a single bye player among them takes skill.
Cindy Brady's Lisp-
Martha, Martha, Martha. Your team names are the most clever concoctions of syllables uttered together since Brittney Spears said, "I are smart", but your Kitty Carryall doll was spiked on a short down by your reliance on Peyton Manning. On the really eerie side, your only win this season was over the same team that was my only loss for the season.
And, because all is fair in love and war on the gridiron...
Dear Bad Newz Kennels-- You're the
best. Merry Christmas.
Champion.