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Life is pretty funny. From waking up in the morning and seeing yourself naked, to slipping down the driveway waving your arms about like a chicken, it's all about the humor. Death is serious. Life is hilarious. Unless you're a SeaHawks fan. Then it's tragically funny.

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Happy Easter for your keister

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Contributed by: Jamie VanEaton on 3/21/2008

Aside from my obvious reversion to being, like, 8, Easter is a difficult holiday for those folks who either like corn syrups, corn syrup solids, chocolate with their con syrups or corn syrup solids, or who likes Peeps (nobody knows what the heck those are).

Easter is filled with colorful confections which promise to melt in your mouth while your hips become cottage cheesy, and your teeth promise to rot out in an equal-to-Halloween sugar orgy of flavor-injected chemicals fit into forms and molds for annual consumption.

Don't fall prey to the little, plastic Easter baskets and the fake purple grass. The basket and the grass are less fattening, but you wouldn't eat those, would you? Never mind. I know that look.

Peeps These are what they might well use to make Pamela Lee's bosoms bigger. You want a natural breast enhancement that won't break down with time? Nothing says "I don't love silicon" like having your plastic surgeon implant Peeps into your mammarian bits. (Just mind the bumpy ears. You should probably bite them off first.) Bright side? If you're ever stranded on a desert island, it could become Dessert Island if you just dispense a couple of those little yellow bad boys like Pez and have a snack (as well as awe the indigenous people with your marshmallowy confections). (The candy, people! The candy!)

Hollow Rabbits The best thing about hollow rabbits is their little, freakish, beady candy eyes. (You can pick those off and stick them to your eyelids. Not that I do that. Darn you, spoken inner dialog made visible.) There's just something inherently wrong with taking this much joy in destroying something wearing a bow tie. It's almost like we're taking out our carnivorous aggressions on something that looks like a chocolate symphony conductor. Take that, Four Seasons! Verdi promulgator, I eat your face! I say that for every Jeffrey Dahmer, the fixation began with hollow rabbits. So helpless, so friendly. So much a hapless victim to the molars, canines and bicuspids of society, all of whom want to say, "Look! I ate his butt!"

Jelly beans could be what gives Kim Kardasian a little extra junk in her trunk. Just pour 3 pounds of Brachs into your pants and you have instant caboose karma. (Sex tapes not included). But seriously. Don't they look like what rabbits would leave behind in the Magical Rainbow Forest? Chewy, small bits of colorful energy, all in pellets? I'm almost thinking those could be Leprechaun leavins at the end of the happy rainbow in Rainbow Land. Or Rainbow Sprite's Castle. Couldn't you see Strawberry Shortcake in her little Berry Rollers looking at Pupcake and Custard, with a Berry-pipe between her lips yelling Who left those? I stepped in some! Now my shoe sole is multicolored and smells like Smuckers!

Chocolate Cream Eggs They might be perfectly good chocolate, but nobody obviously told Cadbury that there are liquid entrails made from corn syrup that shloop out all over your Sunday's finest. Please. This is a candy? Teenagers have acne with more character and even better special effects. Who, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the only way to make chocolate better was to insert unformed alien placenta inside? How appetizing is that? And it's become a tradition. Nothing says "Easter's A-Coming" like foil wrapped unborn otherworldly alliance members. On the bright side, you could take some of the cream filling and shove it in your nostrils, and then pretend to sneeze. It's a great parlor trick, even if Aunt Myrtle beats you with her purse and then makes you clean the upholstery afterwards.

Malted Milk Eggs They're two of the most perfect foods in the candy Kingdom: malted milk and chocolate--only then they go and call them Robin's Eggs. Oh come on! Am I supposed to believe these came out of a venerable song bird's patoot on an early Spring morning? Is there a little magical tree, where, like the Keebler Elves, there live little cartoon birds squeaking out delicious chocolate, melt in your mouth confections? I just can't find it in my aortic pinata to enthuse about what came out of a bird's nether regions knowing what they've left on my car.

Marshmallowy Eggs. As fugly as someone who's had too many plastic surgeries and can no longer move their face due to Botox poisoning and paralysis, we have these brightly-hued candies about the size of a quarter that are *almost* marshmallowy. I remember them from the 70's when my parents gave me at least half of a bag of those crappy candies as filler for the good stuff. Note to parents: they tasted like psychedelic, Croft superstars Razzle Dazzle Sigmund the Seamonster Witchypoo Butt then, and it tastes like... well, all that now, even 2 decades later. Now a mainstay, don't use these just because you can fill up the plastic eggs with just a couple. Packing peanuts have more flavor, and you won't have candies as taut as Joan Rivers (and with as much facial articulation) afterwards.

Snickers Anything. I shake my fist at the Gods who Invented deliciousness with a chocolaty nougat that sticks to the thighs like the Hollywood Paparazzi after Lilo. Damn you! Damn you M&M Mars! I wish I could smack talk your lip smacking perfection with aplomb and make you a part of a 'melt this and leave it in the public swimming pool' prank. The truth is, some things are just too delicious, too unspokenly savory to make look like Fluffy left a dumpling on the floor. I leave you in your wrapper, intact, sniffing intently. For now.

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Showing 1-10 of 13 comments

Submitted By: Jamie VanEaton

posted on 3/28/2008 @ 5:48:56 PM

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You guys are cracking me up over here. No, really. You're good eggs. No yolk! (I know this one has been done to death ova here)...

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Submitted By: Stan Dyer

posted on 3/28/2008 @ 5:19:09 AM

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Easter was pretty cool when I was a kid, but I discovered that no candy survives like chocolate. I didn't know it at the time, but my mom could not really afford to buy us kids candy for Easter. So, she would go the day after Easter when everything was half priced or less. She would stock up and save the "stuff" for the next year. That explains why I thought most Easter candy was hard, gross and inedible, but at least we had what we would otherwise not have. Take it from me, even after a year in the closet, hollow chocolate bunnies taste mighty good. Marshmallow eggs, on the other hand, become nothing more than adequate projectiles.

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Submitted By: Barbara Neff

posted on 3/27/2008 @ 2:28:47 PM

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aren't peeps spun styrofoam? i am pretty sure that's what the labels say.the sugar high that starts with halloween and ends with easter is officially over. let's move on.

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Submitted By: Mike Keleman

posted on 3/26/2008 @ 6:47:46 AM

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Sweet...pun intended.

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Submitted By: Nikki Britain

posted on 3/26/2008 @ 6:17:19 AM

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I'm with you on the Snickers. I actually justify my eating them because the peanuts are protein and protein is good for me... Right? Right?? RIGHT?!

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Submitted By: Gladys Mercier

posted on 3/25/2008 @ 8:34:18 PM

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Jamie, if I adopt you, you have to eat jelly beans with me.

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Submitted By: Sarah Paige

posted on 3/25/2008 @ 9:23:32 AM

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Snickers is the devil! So are those Oreos with pastel colored cream. Who are they fooling? I don't care what color it is, just as long as it's the double stuff.

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Submitted By: William Boucher

posted on 3/24/2008 @ 7:26:43 PM

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Reeses eggs.

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Submitted By: Charmaine Robledo

posted on 3/24/2008 @ 10:12:42 AM

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I love Peeps. I don't care what anybody says.

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Submitted By: Michael Rule

posted on 3/22/2008 @ 5:47:28 AM

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I haven't had a hollow rabbit in years, but I still remember the routine....first, pull out the eyes, then....off with his head!

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CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Jamie VanEaton

Longmont , CO

Jamie VanEaton has posted 88 blog entries and 756 comments since joining on 1/24/2007. Jamie VanEaton 's average blog rating is 4.98.

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