Weight loss in America is big business.
For about $40,000 you can have parts of your stomach and intestines removed (or you could just eat vindaloo and get the same quick results non-surgically). Other patients looking for less drastic solutions might turn to lap banding, which limits food intake without altering the digestive system. I don't know why they never came out with neck banding. Sure, there's that whole, "cutting off the windpipe" issue, but if you can't swallow it, your thighs won't absorb it.
Fat-blocking pills, extremely popular for those who don't want to make dietary changes, are instant monarchy-makers, creating queens or kings for a day because you're going to be on the 'throne' an awful lot. Frankly, if people want to use the bathroom that much in that short a time period, I hope they have provisions for entertainment which extend beyond the dog sticking its nose under the door and kids cackling at the sounds echoing from the room.
The magic shake diet operates on an interesting theory: Drink this magic beverage 30 minutes before a meal... and you eat less. Why didn't I think of this? Convincing people that there is something metaphysical about an overpriced mystical liquid when they're really just filling their stomach with a beverage instead of food is brilliant. You wonder how it is that you can eat only half of what is on your plate. Is it magic? Look at that kid! He can only eat half of what he liberated from his nostril. It must be that 'magic finger' diet.
Along with tens of millions of Americans, I am currently working to lose weight. Through eating whole, more natural foods, and by cutting processed starches and sugars, I've managed to lose 60 pounds since the beginning of the year. The task has been relatively easy since I continue to invent recipes which work in place of foods I've since sworn away. I weigh in at a local not-for-profit weight loss support group regularly. I exercise 5-7 days a week, and I'm generally leading a more active lifestyle, parking further from the store, or chasing after the dog when she is running through the yard with my underwear. I've dropped at least 4 dress sizes as a result (and have lost a lot of underwear).
For many, however, the difficulty isn't in taking the weight and sending it packing to the curb with little Hello Kitty satchels. The real task is in maintaining the weight loss, and studies have confirmed that 98% of those who lose their weight regain it. (That's slightly more people than have seen panty shots of Paris Hilton.)
Weight regain is the reason I told my husband, "When I hit goal, I don't care what it takes. I'm not going to put this weight back on. Sew my lips shut if you need to. I'll eat through a hole in my neck."
This brought me to a revolutionary thought for handling weight loss maintenance.
No, it's not the neck hole. While I can see some artistic potential there for drawing little lips around the opening and small eyeballs above that (I'd call him 'little neck man') that idea is obviously problematic. Many wouldn't tolerate the slurping noises in public, and the Jell-O through a straw trick is only good for family gatherings. Besides, without little ears, little neck man just wouldn't look right.
"Weight
Maintenance Surgery" instead of only being used as the means to weight loss itself, could be employed as a means of keeping people who have made their ideal weight stay there with greater success. In other words, lose the weight, and
then they band the stomach (if not your mouth) to keep patients from regaining what was lost through lifestyle changes. With an assurance that old habits won't slide back in, a lap band, as an example, might assist someone in not taking those double portions again.
The idea has merit, but won't be one visited at any time in the near future within the medical community in a world where people are told daily that, for weight loss, surgery is the means to the end and not the end to the means.
Until that time, when tools are in place for those successful at shedding the pounds and want help after-the-fact, the dialog with a physician would go something like this:
Me: "Hello Doctor! I want you to band my stomach."
Him: "But you weigh 130 pounds. You've already lost the weight."
Me: "Doesn't it make sense to give someone a lap band to keep the weight off, rather than artificially creating a no-hunger environment in the beginning before good eating habits, exercise and weight loss have even kicked in?"
Him: "Well, I don't think we can do that," he would begin pensively. "Though, still...I have an idea. Picture this with me. We could sew your lips shut and put a hole in your neck...."