It Takes a Spillage
The great flood of 2008 in Iowa sent tumultuous and non-filtered waters through many large cities. As the banks of several rivers spilled itself like DNA over a blue dress, homes, lives, and many cultural attractions were destroyed. The devastating natural disaster cost thousands of jobs and has injured the economy, damaging attractions such as with the world's Biggest Cheeto, more notably now a DayGlo, soggy puddle of lost tourist revenue.
Celebrities have come forward to help save pieces of Iowan history. Upon finding out the rotating ear attraction was endangered, famous boxer Mike Tyson was said to have become very excitable not realizing that it was an homage to corn.
Stifled Exports
On the banks of seven states, Lake Iowa, formerly 55,869 square miles of land drier than Nancy Pelosi's knock-knock jokes, now consists of roughly only 14,392 sq miles of dirt and myriad pissed off livestock. Known for its corn production and being a nation leader in pork products, many pigs who couldn't fly, and with an inability to perform a proper butterfly stroke, have been outfitted by the National Guard with 50-gallon drums to keep them afloat. While media outlets have questioned the sudden pork barrel spending, Iowa governor Chet Culver says the ominous lack of Pork Chops on a Stick at the next state fair would be unconscionable.
Impending energy crises are now of noted concern as well. Iowa, which provides the largest amount of ethanol in the nation, may temporarily be forced to halt production for environmental safety reasons, leaving all 38 friends of Leonardo DiCaprio who own hybrids without fuel.
Long in the hotbed of debate for various decades due to a popular breakfast cereal, Iowa's lacking in corn has created a new episode in an old war. While Ohio claims the rice side of the Crispix is the crispiest, Iowans have long argued that the corn side is, in fact, the best side of the cereal. Now that Iowa is largely underwater, Ohio is claiming victory and is asking for reparations. Iowa says it will not bow down due to cereal killers.
Election Consequences
An ominous question remains regarding curious comments overheard from an unnamed source in the camp of Hillary Clinton, who conceded the Primaries to Democratic candidate Barack Obama in a June press conference.
Clinton aides are issuing no word today regarding whether or not torrential rains, unusual for the mid-west, are, in fact, a ploy to come back from the dead-ended campaign trail. The one-time Democratic Presidential hopeful's surprising loss in that state was slimmer than an Olsen twin.
Iowa, the first and notably most important caucus in the United States during any Presidential Primary cycle, has been hosting since 1848, when Zachary Taylor (noted for dying after complaining of thirst) was nominated as the first-ever delegate from that state to become the 12 th President of the United States. More recently, Obama's upset in Iowa state procured delegates for his campaign, clinching that territory, an important national first-look at predicting the candidate for the party come the November elections.
The 2007 census of 2,988,046 Iowans decreased greatly within the last week, it was reasoned, with more than half of its long-time residents floating down the Mississippi River and ending up in the Gulf of Mexico, where they are currently being detained for being the whitest illegal aliens ever trying to escape across the border backwards.
With so few left in Iowa now, the Clinton campaign has sternly called Mulligans on the caucus in a press conference, stating that since the population has changed drastically. Four of the delegates who supported Obama floated downstream-enough to swing the pivotal state in back towards Clinton's favor.
Either way, it is doubtful that the levee rage will affect Obama's candidacy.
Political Presence
Political pundits haven't been without their presence in the soggy state of affairs. John McCain has visited Iowa as part of his good will tour across America, in jockeying his position as Presidential nominee for the GOP, but the crisis there, while devastating to its population, has hardly wrinkled the consciousness of a nation in the throes of Top Chef finale.
Some claim that the disinterest in Iowa stems from several sources. Maybe the noted lack of general concern for Iowa's current plight has to do with many Americans' ability to not locate Iowa on a map. It was stated that Ms. Teen South Carolina's fervent and well-articulated hopes to provide maps for all "such as U.S. Americans" might again be revisited.
When asked in a current press conference regarding more aides being sent to Iowa, President Bush chuckled and stated he didn't think flooding would increase unsafe sex. Of the mass destruction in Iowa, President Bush stated firmly, "We'll get stay in the Middle East until the job is done."
Howard Dean declared a small victory in the destruction, noting that Iowa is, once again, a blue state.