Dear Coach Greg: My wife, of 4 years, and I are having yet another argument on how to treat our adult children from separate marriages. Each time we try to discuss this topic logically we soon end up with hurt feelings, get defensive, and say things that are hard to take back. Can you help us break this viscous cycle? Normally we are pretty much in agreement about other important issues.
This old dog is willing to learn a new trick!
Dear This old dog is willing to learn a new trick!: Congratulations on being pretty much in agreement about other important issues. It sure is less stressful on the marriage if every important discussion isn't met with polar opposite opinions. Keep in mind, what matters is
not the resolution of the problem, because it may never get resolved, but what does matter is how each person is treated during the conflict. You might "win the battle" only to "lose the war".
In regard to your current disagreement, first decide if this is a "solvable" vs. a "perpetual" problem. Based on J. Gottman's research in
The Marriage Clinic, apply the following basic litmus test to your situation: a. how long the problem has lasted; b. whether the partners feel attacked/hurt/or rejected whenever they discuss the problem; c. fundamental differences in personality of the partners; and c. fundamental needs of the spouses - needs are basic to your own identity, to who you are as a person. Approximately, 69% of couples experience perpetual problems and they spend 69% of their "issue discussion time" dealing with perpetual problems - issues with
no resolution that the couples have been dealing with for many years, according to Gottman's research. If this specific issue appears to be a "perpetual" problem you don't have to let it destroy your marriage. If you determine that this issue may be "solvable" then you can learn a variety of effective problem solving techniques to help you solve this and other challenging problems.
For additional information on how to apply the Speaker~Listener Problem Solving Technique (PREP Model) and Effective Problem-Solving (Gottman Model) to your relationship, go to:
www.RelationshipCoach.us, then click on Upcoming Workshops -
Is Anyone Listening to Me? Solving Communication Problems in Relationships (#4202K). For monthly relationship support and interaction with like minded couples go to:
www.RelationshipCoach.us, then click on Services Offered -
Starting a Couples Support Group.
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